Over the weekend, President Trump attended the G7,
which was held in Quebec, Canada.
And for those of you who don't know,
the G7 is very important.
It's when you add a "G4" to a "G3."
(laughter)
It's also when America and its closest allies come together
for two days of meetings on economic issues.
Basically, it's the world's most boring sleepover.
And even before it began, things got off to a rocky start.
Uh, Rocky IV start.
WOMAN: Before heading to the summit,
President Trump sparked controversy by saying
he wants Russia to be welcomed back into the G8.
We have a world to run.
And in the G7, which used to be the G8--
they threw Russia out--
they should let Russia come back in,
because we should have Russia at the negotiating table.
I don't know if Trump colluded with Russia,
but if everyone was accusing me of colluding with Russia,
I wouldn't be caught dead mentioning their name.
(laughter)
Like, if your girlfriend accused you of cheating with Kesha,
even if you didn't do it, just shut up about Kesha.
(laughter)
Just shut up.
"Hey, babe, you know who we should invite to the party?
Kesha."
"Nigga, I know you didn't just bring up Kesha!
I know you did not just bring up Kesha."
(applause and cheering)
But, clearly, clearly, Trump doesn't know how to take a clue,
because he kept bringing up Kesha all weekend long.
Some people like the idea of bringing Russia back in.
This used to be the G8, not the G7,
and something happened a while ago
where, uh, Russia is no longer in.
I think it would be an asset to have Russia back in.
Crimea was like, uh, during the Obama administration,
and, you know, Obama can say all he wants,
but he allowed Russia to take Crimea.
Ah. Okay, okay, that makes sense.
Russia annexing Crimea wasn't really a big deal.
But we must never forgive Obama for letting them commit
this atrocity! Which was not a big deal at all.
I mean, who even knows what a Crimea is, anyway?
I mean, it's just a random little place
whose blood is on Obama's hands!
Anyway, I think we should invite Kesha, that's what I'm saying.
What does that even mean?
And now, you know, for a normal G7,
Trump's Russia obsession
would have been more than enough drama,
but for President Trump, he was just getting started.
NEWSMAN: President Trump stuns the world,
pulling out of the G7's official agreement
and issuing a warning to allies.
We're like the piggy bank that everybody's robbing.
...this unprecedented friction
with some of America's closest allies.
The president, his top aides,
are launching this all-out assault
against Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
NEWSWOMAN: The president, en route to Singapore,
accused Justin Trudeau of "false statements,"
and called him "very dishonest and weak."
So Trump went into the G7 for a run-of-the-mill check-in
with America's allies,
and then came out full-on beefing with Canada,
the Ned Flanders of countries.
(laughter)
It's safe to say that no one expected this to go this way.
It's like going into the doctor for a routine check-up
and then coming out as a human centipede.
I don't think this is covered. I don't think it is.
And other G7 leaders were shocked by Trump's actions.
Emmanuel Macron called Trump "incoherent,"
and Angela Merkel said that Trump pulling out of the deal
was sobering and depressing.
Although, to be fair, she is German,
so everything is sobering and depressing to her.
Yeah, she was probably at breakfast today like,
"I find zis pancake man both sobering and depressing."
(laughter)
Now, the reason President Trump went all Pusha T on Trudeau
is because he claims that Trudeau
was super nice to him in person, but then as soon as Trump left,
Trudeau held a press conference, saying that Canada
still planned to retaliate against the U.S.'s new tariffs.
Because, you see, Trump has a policy:
you don't criticize him behind his back. Right?
And you also don't criticize him to his face.
-Side doesn't work, either. -(laughter)
Yeah. You write it down on a piece of paper,
and then rip it up into tiny pieces
and someone'll run by and pick it up.
-(whooping, applause) -That's how it works.
Because... if you do criticize Trump,
he'll send his guys out on TV to let you know that it's on.
NEWSWOMAN: The president's advisors
fiercely attacking Trudeau on the Sunday shows.
He holds a press conference, and he said the U.S. is insulting...
He really kind of stabbed us in the back.
There's a, uh, special place in hell for any foreign leader
that engages in bad-faith diplomacy
with President Donald J. Trump,
and then tries to stab him in the back
on the way out the door.
Wow. "There's a special place in hell for any foreign leader
"that engages in bad-faith diplomacy
with President Donald J. Trump."
That is a serious threat
and a very specific place in hell.
That sounds VIP as shit.
-(laughter) -Yeah.
That's just like one person.
All the thoughts in hell are gonna be like,
"Damn, who's that dude in VIP?"
But still, the question is, why on earth would Trump react
in such an extreme way to a trade dispute
with such a close and unthreatening ally?
Well, according to Trump's economic advisor,
this is all part of a greater plan.
POTUS is not gonna let a Canadian prime minister
push him around, push him, POTUS, around, President Trump,
on the eve of this.
He is not gonna permit any show of weakness
on the... uh, on the trip
to negotiate with North Korea, nor should he.
So this was about North Korea?
Of course it was, in large part.
"Of course it was... in large part!"
Why... why was he doing that
like he had just watched a Tyler Perry movie?
Our president... will not...
get pushed around!
He will not!
So in essence, to win his Nobel Peace Prize with North Korea,
Trump is going to start a war with Canada.
It really is brilliant,
and the man is playing some two-dimensional chess.