Hey people, I know I don't seem to be in a good mood today. Well, my boss, oh I am so
mad at him. I mean he yelled at me, like in front of everybody. I know, I was I was late
in submitting the report, but the way he yelled at me… I feel really bad. Now I don't even
feel like going to work anymore. But wait I shouldn't allow this to affect me. Well
just like me, so many of you probably get yelled at every single day. Well it's time
for us to do something about it. It's time that we take control of the situation, don't
you agree with me? Based on my experience I know why people yell at their children or
why couples scream at each other or probably why a boss screams more than he actually speaks.
So stay tuned with me I am Niharika and you are watching me on Skillopedia the place to
learn skills for the real world. Well today we are going to look at a very important life
skill that will improve and heal all your relationships.
So first let's understand and why people actually yell at each other rather than discussing
it out. I have five reasons for you all and which are these five reasons? Well let's have
a look well the first one is, “poor coping skills”. You know some people don't have
the right skills to just cope up with issues at hand. That is why they have a huge emotional
outburst when faced with a problem. Now this emotional outburst is actually taking the
form of screaming or yelling at the others. The other reason is “being threatened”.
Now there's a possibility that they feel threatened. Now they always have this fear of something
and they always feel very insecure and that's exactly the reason why they want to hide that
feeling and what do they do in return? They scream on the top of their lungs. Another
reason is “aggressive personality”. Well some people are just very aggressive individuals.
You know their aggression makes them snap or yell at people. These people have not learned
how to channel their aggression into something more productive. Another one is the “learned
behavior”. You know I believe that some people you just don't know any better because
they have grown into homes where their parents have always yelled at each other or probably
it's with their siblings that they never had a good relationship, the siblings always snapped
them. You know they are unfortunately mirroring what they have seen. You know they have been
through this their entire lives. So because they have never learned the right way to react,
they end up screaming. Another reason is “feeling neglected”. Now some people yell because
they feel that they are not heard enough. You know they are just being ignored, they
are being neglected by others. So they feel neglected and taken for granted and yelling
is their way of getting attention and getting things done their way. So now that we know
that why people yell, it's even more important to know that how to deal with such people.
So today's session, here are some great ways to respond appropriately to a person who yells
at you.
Well first thing and the most important thing is just “stay calm”, “don't feed the
anger”. I know that when someone yells at you, your first reaction is to yell back.
I mean how dare they raise their voice at you like that… Let me tell you, as tempting
as it gets for you to just go and yell at them, you must avoid doing so. Since we have
learned that people who yell have poor skills to cope up with their problems. So you're
yelling back at them, will make them lose even more control and that's what will increase
all that screaming. So which of course will get you nowhere close to fixing the situation.
So stay calm. Well here's the next thing that you can do, “assess the situation”. You
know it's always a smart move to always assess the situation. Ask yourself, is the person
who is really yelling at you, is he worth your time? Is he worth that effort to even
respond? Say for example, you are in a subway and a stranger truly got mad at you for some
reason, now he's a stranger, it's not even worth it, you can just walk away, you don't
have to do anything about it. On the other hand, if it's your boss… can you just walk
away? Oh! Well, if you do that, you will lose your job. Now in such cases you can wait for
the anger to subside and then address the issue with them if this has been happening
on regular basis. Now take it easy if it's just for the first time, you don't have to
react or assess the situation. But yes if it happens regularly, then you gotta do that.
Well here's another thing that you gotta be careful about. “Don't encourage the Yeller”.
You know most people want to make peace, so what do they do? Well they end up making mistake
of encouraging the Yeller. Now let me tell you if you agree with something that the Yeller
is talking about, you are actually encouraging him to do that. So he's always gonna use yelling
or shouting a tool. For example if he ends up saying that, ‘oh my god, how could you
do that, I mean this is so irresponsible’ and you're like, ‘yeah, I agree’ oops…
you are encouraging him. So the next time a problem arises you will find yourself subjected
to even more yelling so be careful. Here's the next thing, “ask for a break”. Try
to address the yelling after which you need to take a break away from the person who was
screaming at you. Well you need to stay away from this person so that you take care of
yourself. Of course you being yelled at, you're not gonna like it, you gotta take care of
yourself too. I mean you need to bring your emotions, your anger under control too. Because
let's face it, all that yelling has affected you on the inside. Like I said, you know I'm
not having a great mood, the reason because it has affected me. So it's time for you to
take control of your emotions too. This break will help you, will allow you to find that
time to address the actual problem behind all that yelling. Here's the last one, “go
back to the person”. Now when you have calmed down yourself after taking that much needed
break, you may now go back to that person. Now this time we have to address the issue,
remember I also mentioned that it's important to address it. Well I believe, it's the best
time since you both are fairly calm and composed to make the right decisions and think straight.
So now you can understand what the Yeller wants and also give him the assurance that
this would not happen from your end ever again or you try to fix that situation. As you can
see, you are now both working at fixing the problem rather than screaming at each other.
So that brings me to the end of this session today. I hope you have now learned how to
stand up to anyone who thinks it's okay to yell, because when you stand up for yourself,
you are making it very clear that this bad behavior is just not acceptable to you. So
I'll be back with some more sessions for you but before I go, please do subscribe to our
channel, ‘Skillopedia’ the place to learn skills for the real world and do click on
the bell icon to get regular updates of such videos and I will see you soon.