I was the first to arrive and, as you can see, my choice was superb.
This is the Citroen DS3 Racing
and it does everything a hot hatchback should.
It is bonkers to look at
and, with 204 horsepower under the bonnet, it's bonkers to drive as well.
But it still has back seats that fold down. It's still small.
It's still relatively inexpensive. It's...
Ah, it seems Mr May has arrived in a driving instructor's car!
This is a Renault Clio, but it's the Cup version.
And it is, pound for pound, the most exciting car on sale.
Not my words. Not my words, the words of Autocar magazine.
-Autocar? -Yes.
-The magazine that sacked you? -Yes.
And I could point out that it's £16,000 and yours is, what, 23?
Where's your air-con, cruise control, sat nav?
-You haven't got anything. -It's got air-con.
-It's an optional extra. -It's an option that's been selected.
What have you got, 197 horsepower?
-Yeah. -204.
That's very nearly as much power as yours.
In the same way that the Egyptian army
is very nearly as powerful as the American army.
-197. -You've got more power.
Mercifully, at this point, Hammond arrived...
in a car from the 1950s.
Gentlemen, behold, the Fiat 500 Abarth convertible.
The best hot hatch ever.
Well, apart from a couple of things. One is, it's not very hot.
-And, two, it's not a hatchback. -It is hot. This has got the SS kit on.
-It says 158 brake horsepower in there. -Wow!
Just a couple of things. Small.
Yes, it is. This is enormous. This is the Clio.
-Cup. -Yes.
You brought one of those ridiculously gaudy training shoes
with springs at the back that go: "Look at me, robot shoe."
Look at it. This would look good on the deck
of a Nimitz-class aircraft-carrier.
We're not on the deck of a Nimitz-class...
-We're in a beautiful Italian plaza. -You know what this is?
-What? -Juvenile.
-Juvenile? Juvenile? -James, one thing...
This is just a small French car.
-It also has an optional extra on it. -It has air conditioning, yes.
-Yes, it has something else. -Ah, yes.
But I didn't...
What this actually means in Italian is "bell end".
James, just a headline to sum up the cars.
Magnificent, ridiculous... It's a bit boring, bland.
It might look boring... It isn't boring because...
What are these cars about?
They are about the sensation of driving and I know this will give it to me
because it's a small Renault and they're the best at that.
It's about fun and experience. Hello!
-It looks magnificent. -It looks?
-You can put the roof back... -But it isn't a hatchback.
It's like turning up to do the Grand National on a cow or a hen.
It's not!
Seeing that this was going nowhere, the producer stepped in with a challenge.
-This is a no-brainer. -There's a man with a thing.
"To see which of your cars works best in the urban environment,
you will now leave the city of Lucca."
-Is that it? -Yep.
What, just drive out of a town? Well, how hard can that be?
As it turned out, very hard, because in this medieval walled city,
the streets were a complete maze.
Now, I think a left here. Oh, I can't go down there.
I can't go left.
Right, but it doesn't matter too much.
I'll just go along here and then turn right.
Ah, no, there isn't a right. It's just somebody's drive.
I have to go left.
One way. Really? You don't say!
Every single turn you make puts you in exactly the same road
as the one you've just left.
Also, in any other city,
the Renault and the Citroen would be considered quite small.
Cock.
But here, they were huge.
And... breathe in.
Bloody hell.
That's a squeeze.
No, it's not going to fit. Sorry.
Since when did the Renault Clio become an enormous car
with a huge turning circle?
Happily, the Fiat was small enough, but I had another problem.
This just isn't working. The visibility in the C version with the sliding roof,
with the roof back, is, you know, it's good compared to, say,
having a bag on your head, or being blind.
Eventually, I decided the best thing was to abandon ship.
Right, I'm leaving the car here. I'm going to go ahead on foot.
I know I can make it on foot, find the way out, come back,
pick up the car, drive out and win.
This... this must be James's idea of hell.
He gets lost in a hotel.
That was a curve in that road, which was essentially a right,
but now I've gone to a left, so, I must still be going the right way.
Driving through somebody's restaurant.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Hang on a minute.
Is this... Is this the square where I started?
Yes, it is.
Hang on.
That... That's the wall.
That's the city wall. I've found it! There it is!
A bit of a hill. Wasn't expecting that. Never mind.
No, it's that way.
Gearbox works.
Reverse, first, both good.
Meanwhile...
I think that ramp may have been a bit of a mistake,
because the view from here and the view over that way of trees
suggests I am actually on top of the wall.
Still, could be worse.
Hi.
-I recognise... -Yeah!
Have you seen a Fiat, a small black and white Fiat... on your travels?
Nothing to see here.
Just a man driving on top of a historic monument.
Eventually, I found my car and the way back to the city wall.
That's the first time since I left
that I've gone fast enough to activate the central locking.
But outside the city gates, Professor Smug was already there.
Yes, there's no missing it, is there?
A man standing next to a child's training shoe.
Did you see Lord Lucan?
-No. -Oh, he's there. Shergar.
They're all in there.