>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M STEVE COALBERT.
HAPPY EARTH DAY, EVERYONE.
TODAY IS A BIG ONE, BECAUSE IT'S THE 50th EARTH DAY!
THE BIG 5-0.
AND, I GOTTA SAY, EARTH'S STILL LOOKING GREAT.
SHE'S JUST GETTING HOTTER EVERY YEAR, EVEN WITH THE RECEDING
GLACIERS AND PUTTING ON A LITTLE WATER WEIGHT AROUND THE
COASTLINE.
AND EARTH IS HAVING KIND OF A MOMENT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE,
WITH PEOPLE STAYING HOME, THE EARTH IS TURNING WILDER AND
CLEANER, WITH REDUCED CO2, BETTER AIR QUALITY, AND ANIMALS
ROAMING CITY STREETS.
TURNS OUT THE BEST PRESENT FOR EARTH DAY IS THE SAME AS
MOTHER'S DAY: TIME AWAY FROM HER CHILDREN.
JUST GET ALL THE UNRULY HUMANS OUT OF HER HAIR SO MOTHER EARTH
CAN SIT IN A BUBBLE BATH AND WATCH "OUTLANDER."
NOW, WHILE HUMANS STAY INSIDE, THE WORLD'S CITIES ARE GETTING
RECLAIMED BY ANIMALS.
A PUMA ROAMED THE STREETS OF SANTIAGO, CHILE.
IN INDIA, HUNGRY MONKEYS HAVE BEEN ENTERING HOMES AND OPENING
REFRIGERATORS TO LOOK FOR FOOD.
AND COYOTES HAVE BEEN SEEN ALONG CHICAGO'S MICHIGAN AVENUE.
A COYOTE ON MICHIGAN AVENUE!
THAT'S CRAZY.
USUALLY, WHAT WITH THE TRAFFIC, THEY HAVE TO TAKE LAKE SHORE
DRIVE.
SO, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU SEE A WILD ANIMAL WANDERING INTO
YOUR NORMAL ENVIRONMENT.
OH, GOD!
HERE'S ONE NOW!
COME HERE!
COME HERE.
IT'S THE WILD SNUGGLE SPANIEL.
WHO'S RECLAIMING THE EARTH FROM THE HUMANS?
YOU ARE!
YES, YOU ARE!
HE LOVES ME!
HE LOVES THIS!
BYE.
NOW, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.
YOU CAN'T JUST CHEW ON THE ELECTRICAL CORDS.
OUT, OUT, GIVE!
MUSH!
THANKS, BENNY.
I MIGHT NEED A LINT ROLLER.
THE KAYOT-- THE COYOTES WEREN'T THE ONLY
WILD ANIMALS DOING THEIR THING.
SO WAS PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO CELEBRATED EARTH DAY BY HOLDING
A TREE PLANTING CEREMONY.
OR AS HE SAID: >> WE'RE DOING SOMETHING I LOVE
DOING: PLANTING TREES.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT.
>> Stephen: YES, TWO THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS DEFINITELY
ALWAYS LOVED: MANUAL LABOR, AND THE THING WHERE FRUIT COMES
FROM.
TRUMP FINALLY GOT AROUND TO ACTUALLY PLANTING THE TREE.
HERE HE IS GETTING HIS EXERCISE FOR THE DECADE.
( AS TRUMP )
AT MY PRESS CONFERENCES.
EVERY DAY, I JUST DIG THAT HOLE DEEPER AND DEEPER AND DEEPER."
TRUMP ALSO CELEBRATED EARTH DAY BY THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE
PLANET, TWEETING, "I HAVE INSTRUCTED THE UNITED STATES
NAVY TO SHOOT DOWN AND DESTROY ANY AND ALL IRANIAN GUNBOATS IF
THEY HARASS OUR SHIPS AT SEA."
YOU READ THAT RIGHT.
HE'S GOING SHOOT DOWN BOATS.
( AS TRUMP )
FLYING GUNBOATS.
THEY'RE JUST AS DANGEROUS AS THEIR FLYING CARPETS.
♪ IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW
♪ NO ♪-- HOW DOES IT GO?
♪ NOWHERE TO GO.
DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪ WHAT TRUMP IS RESPONDING TO IS
VIDEO FROM THE NAVY SHOWING THAT "IRANIAN VESSELS 'HARASSED'
AMERICAN WARSHIPS IN THE ARABIAN SEA."
OKAY, THAT'S NOT GOOD, BUT WHY TWEET ABOUT IRAN NOW?
FOR THAT MATTER, WHY A NEW BAN ON IMMIGRATION?
NO ONE CAN FLY HERE ANYWAY.
RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BAN MOSH PITS.
BUT I HAVE A THEORY, A THEORY, I TELL YOU, ABOUT TRUMP'S RANDOM
TWEETSZ.
TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATINGS ARE FALLING, AND TWO-THIRDS OF
AMERICANS SAY HE WAS TOO SLOW TO RESPOND TO THE VIRUS.
DISAPPROVAL OF TRUMP IS SPREADING FASTER THAN...
SOMETHING.
WHATEVER SPREADS REALLY QUICKLY IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO
IGNORE IT.
SO HE IS DESPERATE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE TO NOTICE THIS.
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS YESTERDAY:
>> HE IGNORES HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY AND ASSIGNS BLAME
INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, PAYING ATTENTION
TO SCIENCE, RECOGNIZING THE ROLE OF GOVERNANCE IN ALL OF THIS TO
GET THE JOB DONE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
AND SO HE'S ENGAGED IN DISTRACTIONS, LIKE IMMIGRATION,
DISTRACTIONS, LIKE SUPPORTING PEOPLE ON THE STREET.
THEY'RE ALL DISTRACTIONS AWAY FROM THE FACT-- THE KNOWN FACT
THAT HE'S A TOTAL FAILURE WHEN IT COMES TO TESTING.
>> Stephen: AW, SNAP!
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MAY WANT TO GET TESTED, BECAUSE THAT BURN
WAS SICK.
TRUMP FIRED BACK WITH AN OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO THE
SPEAKER.
( AS TRUMP )
FLYING IRANIAN GUNBOATS!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
SINCERELY, PRESIDENT-- DONALD J. TRUMP!
CC: JAFAR."
HERE'S THE THING: TRUMP'S ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO
IMMIGRATION, OR TO CHINA, OR IRAN, OR TO ANYTHING IS NOT
GOING TO WORK.
ONE REPUBLICAN CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TOLD "POLITICO" THAT
MESSAGING ALONE CANNOT SOLVE THE POLITICAL CHALLENGE THE PANDEMIC
PRESENTS FOR TRUMP.
( AS TRUMP )
SITTING ON MY ENORMOUS, DIMPLED KEISTER?
BECAUSE I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T
INVOLVE DOING ANYTHING."
THE UNNAMED REPUBLICAN PREDICTED, "IF THE TESTING DOES
NOT GET SORTED OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, IT WILL BE ANOTHER
NAIL IN AN ALMOST CLOSED COFFIN."
WELL, THAT'S AN UNFORTUNATE METAPHOR DURING A GLOBAL
PANDEMIC.
PLUS, IF YOU WANT TO GET TRUMP'S ATTENTION, SAY IT'S A NAIL IN AN
ALMOST EMPTY CHICKEN BUCKET.
TRUMP'S NORMAL TRICKS HE USES TO CHANGE THE NARRATIVE AREN'T
WORKING, BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO COME UP WITH A MORE GRIPPING
NARRATIVE THAN "STAY INSIDE," OR "YOU MIGHT DIE."
YOU CAN TWEET ALL YOU WANT, BUT IT'S HARD TO CAPTURE PEOPLE'S
HEARTS AND MINDS WHEN THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR HEARTS AND
LUNGS.
YOU CAN'T HAVE BILL BARR REDACT THE VIRUS, OR CALL UKRAINE TO
GET DIRT ON HUNTER VIRUS, OR GET MITCH McCONNELL TO HAVE 51
REPUBLICANS VOTE THAT THERE IS NO VIRUS.
YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY THE VIRUS $130,000 TO STAY QUIET, WHICH IS
TOO BAD, BECAUSE THIS CRISIS IS SPANKING YOUR ASS.
SO, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR JOB, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO
THE UNTHINKABLE: YOUR JOB.
YOU KNOW, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
TRUMP HELD ANOTHER ONE OF HIS CORONAVIRUS DISTRACT-ATHONS LAST
NIGHT, AND HE TRIED TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON HOW THINGS WERE
GOING.
>> WE CONTINUE TO GAIN GROUND IN THE WAR AGAINST THE UNSEEN
ENEMY, AND I SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
I ACTUALLY SEE A LOT OF LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
AND WE'RE STARTING THE PROCESS.
SO THE LIGHT IS GETTING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER EVERY DAY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THE LIGHT IS ALSO MAKING A
REALLY, REALLY FUN TRAIN NOISE.
WOOO-WOOO!
EVERYONE KEEPS YELLING, 'MR.
PRESIDENT, GET OFF THE TRACKS, MR. PRESIDENT,' BUT I'M STAYING
FOCUSED ON THAT APPROACHING LIGHT.
IT'S COMING PRETTY FAST."
WHATEVER TRUMP IS SEEING, CERTAIN STATES, LIKE GEORGIA,
ARE IGNORING THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS AND STARTING TO REOPEN.
SO HE AND HIS TEAM WERE ASKED ABOUT HOW EXACTLY THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO WORK.
>> Reporter: HOW DO YOU SAFELY HAVE HAIR SALONS AND NAIL SALONS
AND TATTOO PARLORS WHERE PEOPLE INHERENTLY--
>> WHERE IS THAT?
WHERE IS THAT?
>> Reporter: THIS IS IN GEORGIA, WHERE PEOPLE HAVE TO INHERENTLY
BE CLOSE TOGETHER?
>> SO IF THERE'S A WAY THAT PEOPLE CAN SOCIAL DISTANCE AND
DO THOSE THINGS, THEN THEY CAN DO THOSE THINGS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW.
BUT PEOPLE ARE VERY CREATIVE.
>> Stephen: YES, BARBERS AND HAIR STYLISTS JUST NEED TO BE
VERY CREATIVE, LIKE DUCT TAPING HAIR CLIPPERS TO A COUPLE OF
YARD STICKS, OR JUST SUBMERGING CUSTOMERS IN BARBACIDE.
TREASURY SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN THE NUCH, ALSO TOOK QUESTIONS
DURING THE THE BRIEFING ABOUT LARGE COMPANIES ACCEPTING
SMALL-BUSINESS LOANS, AND TRUMP HAD SOME THOUGHTS.
>> Reporter: MR. SECRETARY, ARE YOU GOING TO REQUEST THAT THOSE
OTHER COMPANIES-- OBVIOUSLY, SHAKE SHACK WAS NOT ALONE IN
BEING A BIG COMPANY THAT GOT MONEY IN THIS -- ARE YOU GOING
TO BE ASKING-- >> I'M GOING TO REQUEST THEM.
>> YOU'RE GOING ASK THEM-- >> I'M GOING TO REQUEST--
>> --TO RETURN THAT MONEY.
>> YEP.
>> HARVARD'S GOING TO PAY BACK THE MONEY.
AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE TAKING IT.
THEY ARE GOING TO PAY BACK THAT MONEY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HARVARD, YOU KNOW THE DEAL: YOU DON'T GET TO
TAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, UNLESS YOU ALSO AGREE TO TAKE JARED.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> JARED SLAM!
>> Stephen: HARVARD RESPONDED TO THE PRESIDENT'S ATTACK, SAYING
THAT IT HAD NOT RECEIVED ANY FUNDS THROUGH THE P.P.P., BUT IT
HAD RECEIVED FUNDS THROUGH THE "CARES ACT" TO PROVIDE
ASSISTANCE TO STUDENTS FACING URGENT FINANCIAL NEEDS DUE TO
COVID-19.
OKAY, THAT'S A SOLID FACT CHECK.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY AT HARVARD WENT TO HARVARD.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> HARVARD SLAM!
>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT HOW THE PANDEMIC IS
AFFECTING WORKERS AT HIS OWN PROPERTIES.
>> Reporter: YOUR FLORIDA CLUBS HAVE HAD TO FURLOUGH WORKERS.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT, YOU KNOW, ASKING MAYBE YOUR FAMILY
MEMBERS TO MAYBE KEEP WORKERS ON THE PAYROLL TO HELP--
>> IN DORAL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THE GOLF COURSES OPEN.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE CLUBS OPEN.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING.
I HAVE A LOT OF DIFFERENT PROPERTIES.
BUT, AGAIN, MY CHILDREN RUN THEM, AND I LOVE MY CHILDREN,
AND I WISH THEM WELL.
I LOOK FORWARD TO COMPARING MY NUMBERS TO MY CHILDREN'S
NUMBERS.
I THINK I'LL DO BETTER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN INSANE THING FOR A FATHER TO SAY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE SOMEONE SAYING ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON THEIR
DEATH BED?
"CHILDREN, GATHER ROUND, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I... LOVE...
BEING BETTER THAN YOU.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT MY NUMBERS.
YOU'RE HUMAN GARBAGE.
ONE GUY WHO'S SUPER GUNG-HO ABOUT RISKING OTHER PEOPLE'S
LIVES IS TEXAS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, DAN PATRICK.
THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, WENT ON THE TV MONDAY
TO MAKE THE CASE FOR STATES REOPENING THEIR ECONOMIES, AND
HERE'S HOW HE STARTED: >> IN TEXAS, 29 MILLION PEOPLE.
WE'VE LOST 495, AND EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT--
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET ME STOP YOU THERE.
ANYTIME YOU START A SENTENCE WITH "EVERY LIFE IS
VALUE, BUT," CHANCES ARE YOU'RE NOT THE HERO OF THE STORY.
YOU NEVER HEARD GANDHI SAY, "EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT I
WANNA HAVE MY BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A BOWLING ALLEY!
DON'T MAKE ME STOP EATING AGAIN."
I'M SORRY, LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, GO ON:
>> WE'VE LOST 495, AND EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT 500 PEOPLE
OUT OF 29 MILLION, AND WE ARE LOCKED DOWN, AND WE ARE CRUSHING
THE AVERAGE WORKER.
WE ARE CRUSHING A SMALL BUSINESS.
WE ARE CRUSHING THE MARKETS.
WE ARE CRUSHING THIS COUNTRY.
THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN LIVING.
THINGS AND STOP WASTING SPACE AND
PRECIOUS TOILET PAPER.
THIS IS A LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR SAYING YOU MIGHT DIE, BUT AT
LEAST IT WILL HELP BUSINESSES.
HE'S FOLLOWING THAT CLASSIC POLITICAL ADVICE: "IT'S THE
ECONOMY.
I'M STUPID."
NEW YORK CONTINUES TO BE THE HOT SPOT FOR THE CORONAVIRUS HERE IN
THE U.S., BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS IN THE BIG STERILIZED
APPLE.
A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SENT NEW YORK A NAVAL
HOSPITAL SHIP, THE USNS "COMFORT," TO HELP EASE THE
BURDEN ON LOCAL HOSPITALS.
BUT YESTERDAY, GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO TOLD TRUMP THAT THE
"COMFORT" IS NO LONGER NEEDED IN NEW YORK CITY.
WOO, THAT IS GREAT NEWS!
TIME TO POP THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES!
>> THIS IS NO TIME TO POP THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES.
>> Stephen: OKEY-DOKE.
BACK TO THE BOURBON.
BUT ONE NEW YORK OFFICIAL WHO IS READY TO THINK ABOUT CELEBRATING
IS NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MAN KEEPING A VERY WATCHFUL EYE
ON THAT LAST DOUGHNUT, BILL DE BLASIO.
EVEN THOUGH NEW YORKERS ARE HUNKERED DOWN FOR THE
FORESEEABLE FUTURE, DE BLASIO'S LOOKING AHEAD.
>> WHEN THAT DAY COMES THAT WE CAN RESTART THE VIBRANT,
BEAUTIFUL LIFE OF THIS CITY AGAIN, THE FIRST THING WE WILL
DO IS HAVE A TICKER-TAPE PARADE DOWN THE CANYON OF HEROES FOR
OUR HEALTHCARE WORKERS AND OUR FIRST RESPONDERS.
>> Stephen: YES!
LET'S GIVE THOSE HEALTHCARE WORKERS WHAT THEY DESPERATELY
WANT-- THOUSANDS OF STRANGERS CROWDED TOGETHER, THROWING
GARBAGE AT THEM.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
DE BLASIO HAS ALL SORTS OF GENIUS IDEAS.
JUST THIS WEEK, HE ENCOURAGED NEW YORKERS TO RAT ON PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T OBSERVING SOCIAL DISTANCING, TELLING THEM TO
SNAP A PHOTO OF AN OFFENDING PERSON OR CROWD, SET THE
LOCATION ON THE IMAGE, AND TEXT IT TO 311692.
AND NEW YORKERS RESPONDED, BECAUSE DE BLASIO'S SOCIAL-
DISTANCING TIP LINE WAS IMMEDIATELY FLOODED WITH PENIS
PHOTOS.
( NEW YORK ACCENT )
I SAW THIS BIG HAIRY GUY LOITERING DOWN IN MY PANTS!
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND SLAP HIM AROUND A BIT?
THERE'S A FIVER IN IT FOR YOU."
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WAS THE FIVER TOO MUCH?
NATHAN LANE IS HERE.
AND I WILL COOK WITH CHEF JOSE ANDRES.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAYOR OF LAS
VEGAS IS READY TO GAMBLE ON THE CORONAVIRUS.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪