WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW."
YOU'RE HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU MADE IT.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
JENNIFER ANISTON IS MY GUEST
TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES!
JENNIFER ANISTON!
SHE STARS IN THE NEW MOVIE,
"MURDER MYSTERY 2" WITH
ADAM SANDLER.
AND I THINK SHE SPENT A LITTLE
TOO MUCH TIME WITH SANDLER
BECAUSE WHEN I SAID, "HI"
BACKSTAGE, JEN SAID,
"SHABADAYU."
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS, GUYS.
I READ THAT FORMER
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS EXPECTED TO
BE FORMALLY CHARGED TOMORROW
BUT WILL NOT SURRENDER UNTIL
NEXT WEEK.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, APPARENTLY TRUMP SIGNED
UP FOR THE GOVERNMENT'S "CHARGE
NOW, PAY LATER" OPTION.
I GOT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS --
YEAH, EVERYONE'S WAITING TO SEE
TRUMP OFFICIALLY CHARGED.
RIGHT NOW IN TIMES SQUARE
ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN
ARE HOSTING THE "INDICTMENT
COUNTDOWN."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THEY'RE ACTUALLY DELAYING IT A
A BIT SO THE COURTROOM SKETCH
ARTIST HAS ENOUGH TIME TO LOAD
UP ON ORANGE PENCILS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, TRUMP WILL BE FORMALLY
CHARGED TOMORROW FOR HIS HUSH
MONEY PAYMENTS TO
STORMY DANIELS.
IRONICALLY ON HUMP DAY.
YEAH, WHICH IS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T PLAN -- I DIDN'T PLAN
THAT.
OF COURSE TRUMP HAS SPENT THE
LAST FEW DAYS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
ATTACKING A LOT OF DIFFERENT
PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE MANHATTAN
D.A. WHO'S INDICTING HIM,
ALVIN BRAGG.
YEP, TRUMP'S NOT JUST MAD AT
BRAGG FOR THE INDICTMENT, HE
WAS ALSO LIKE, "IF ANYONE
SHOULD BE NAMED BRAGG, IT'S ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SHOULD --"
YEP, TRUMP'S BEEN HAVING
MELTDOWNS FOR SEVERAL DAYS.
IT'S ALL PART OF HIS PLAN TO BE
TRIED AS A JUVENILE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
MEANWHILE IN RESPONSE TO THE
UPCOMING ARREST, TRUMP CALLED
ON ALL OF HIS SUPPORTERS TO
PROTEST.
CAN WE SEE A PICTURE OF WHAT
THE PROTESTS HAVE LOOKED LIKE
SO FAR?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THERE ARE MORE SIGNS
THAN PEOPLE.
SERIOUSLY, MORE PEOPLE
PROTESTED AT McDONALD'S TO
BRING BACK THE McRIB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NYPD DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS A
A PROTEST OR JUST SOME PEOPLE
WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO
CHANGE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVERYONE IN NEW YORK IS
PREPARING FOR TRUMP'S ARREST,
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
ACTUALLY MAKING PREDICTIONS ON
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
ACTUALLY, DO YOU GUYS MIND IF I
FILL OUT MY TRUMP INDICTMENT
BRACKET RIGHT NOW?
IS THAT --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU SO MUCH, APPRECIATE
IT.
I JUST -- I'D LIKE TO FILL IT
OUT.
THANK YOU.
FIRST -- LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THE FIRST MATCHUP.
OH, YOU GOT, "TRUMP GIVES
HIMSELF OVER PEACEFULLY" VERSUS
"TRUMP TAKES OFF IN A WHITE
BRONCO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S SEE THE NEXT MATCHUP.
YOU GOT "TRUMP SERVES HIS TIME"
VERSUS "TRUMP 'EL CHAPO'S' HIS
WAY THROUGH A TUNNEL SYSTEM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S ANOTHER MATCHUP, YOU'VE
GOT "TRUMP FLEES TO MEXICO"
VERSUS "TRUMP GETS TRAPPED WHEN
HE CAN'T MAKE IT OVER HIS OWN
HALF-FINISHED WALL."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WE WERE PRETTY TALL.
HERE'S THE NEXT ONE, YOU'VE GOT
"TRUMP HUGS HIS FAMILY BEFORE
HEADING TO PRISON" VERSUS
"TRUMP POINTS AT DON JR. AND
YELLS 'HE'S THE DONALD TRUMP
YOU WANT.'"
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
UP NEXT YOU'VE GOT "TRUMP ASKS
IF HE CAN BE VISITED BY HIS
WIFE AND CHILDREN" VERSUS
"TRUMP ASKS IF HE CAN BE
VISITED BY A TWELVE PIECE
BUCKET OF KFC."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE HERE, YOU'VE
GOT "TRUMP CALLS HIS FORMER
ADVISOR PAUL MANAFORT FOR
ADVICE ON PRISON" VERSUS "TRUMP
CALLS MORGAN FREEMAN FOR ADVICE
ON PRISON."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY YOU'VE GOT "TRUMP
GETS HOUSE ARREST" VERSUS
"MELANIA IMMEDIATELY FILES AN
APPEAL."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THAT'S --
GET HIM OUT, GET HIM OUT OF
HERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GUESS WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
WELL, SOME NEWS FROM OVERSEAS.
TURKEY IS PLANNING TO ACCEPT
FINLAND'S BID TO JOIN NATO, BUT
THEY'RE REJECTING SWEDEN'S.
YEAH, IT'S A PRETTY HARSH SNUB.
IN FACT, SWEDEN JUST RELEASED A
A STATEMENT ABOUT IT AND FIRST
SWEDEN SAID, "HONESTLY IT'S
PRETTY FYORGED UP.
PICKING ONE AND NOT THE OTHER?
THIS IS KINDA BULSKJIPPT THAT
HAPPENS IN MIDDLE SKUULPP.
SWEDEN WENT ON TO SAY, "YOU
THINK THIS IS A DJOOKE?
WELL NEWSFLURMISH, PAL, IT'S
NYORT.
LET'S SETTLE THIS GENTLEMAANSK.
I CHALLENGE YUUELL TO A
A DUUELL."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
AND FINALLY, SWEDEN SAID, "AND
WORD OF ADVICE, DON'T BRING A
A
FLUH-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-
TO A BLURSKI FIGHT."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
GUYS, LISTEN TO THIS, THERE'S A
A NEW FACIAL RECOGNITION APP
THAT CAN IDENTIFY YOUR PET'S
FACE WITH 99% ACCURACY.
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
THE 1% OF FACES IT CAN'T
RECOGNIZE ARE DOGS WHO HAVE
BEEN USING OZEMPIC.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FINALLY, GUYS, IT IS TUESDAY.
IT IS TIME FOR "WETWEET!"
HERE WE GO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ WETWEET
WETWEET ♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME TO "WETWEET!"
THIS IS WHERE WE, AS A GROUP,
DECIDE SOMETHING THAT WE SHOULD
POST ON TWITTER.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU FIVE
DIFFERENT TWEETS.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO VOTE ON
WHETHER YOU LIKE EACH ONE OR
NOT.
YOU ALL HAVE VOTING CLICKERS AT
YOUR SEATS.
[ CHEERS ]
YOU DO, YEP.
YOU CAN VOTE FOR ALL OF THESE.
YOU CAN VOTE FOR NONE OF THESE,
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE RESULTS
LIVE EITHER WAY.
TARIQ, ROOTS, YOU GUYS HAVE
CLICKERS TOO --
>> Questlove: GOT 'EM.
>> Jimmy: WHATEVER TWEET GETS
THE MOST LIKES, WE WILL TWEET
IT OUT LIVE ON THE SHOW SO THAT
DURING THE BREAK YOU CAN ALL
LIKE IT AND "WETWEET" IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A SHARED EXPERIENCE.
OKAY -- YOU GUYS READY FOR
THIS?
[ CHEERS ]
OUR FIRST TWEET IS, "I WONDER
WHAT LIT UP OVER EDISON'S HEAD
WHEN HE GOT THE IDEA FOR THE
LIGHTBULB."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
SO IT WASN'T A LIGHTBULB THAT
WENT OFF.
HE HAD THE IDEA FOR THE
LIGHTBULB.
WHAT -- WHAT LIT OVER HIS HEAD?
DON'T JUDGE SO EARLY, GUYS.
I MEAN THIS COULD BE THE BEST
ONE WE GOT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I FEEL -- I FEEL UNSURE ABOUT
THIS ONE.
LET'S SEE THE RESULTS HERE, THE
AUDIENCE THEY ALL VOTED --
YEAH, NO, THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT
AT ALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SAD TUBA ]
NOT FUNNY.
THEY DON'T WANT TO TWEET THAT
AT ALL.
>> Tariq: YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THEY DIDN'T ENJOY
THAT ONE.
>> Tariq: YEAH, A LITTLE
LANTERN WENT OVER --
>> Jimmy: YEAH, A LANTERN --
YEAH, A LANTERN WENT OVER --
THAT WAS IT -- THAT WAS THE
ANSWER.
THAT WAS IT.
NO -- EVERYONE JUST KNEW THAT.
DIDN'T SEE THE HUMOR IN THAT AT
ALL.
UNDERSTOOD.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET RIGHT TO
THIS NEXT ONE.
THIS NEXT ONE SAYS, "TACO
BELL'S SLOGAN SHOULD BE 'IT'S
ALL THE SAME STUFF, BUT YOU GET
TO CHOOSE THE SHAPE.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
IT'S A TRIANGLE.
NO, NO, THIS IS A RECTANGLE.
THIS IS LIKE A SPHERE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE THE
RESULTS.
I THINK THIS ONE'S GOING TO DO
BETTER.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
♪♪
YES.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GETTING WARMED
UP HERE.
>> Tariq: GAME'S OVER.
>> Jimmy: YEAH -- NO.
YOU THINK IT'S NOT GOING TO TOP
THAT?
>> Tariq: I MEAN THAT'S AS GOOD
AS IT GETS.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW.
THEY DON'T GO IN ORDER, BY THE
WAY.
THEY DON'T NECESSARILY GET
BETTER, SO I DON'T KNOW,
YEAH -- THAT MIGHT BE THE BEST
ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S TRY OUT SOME OTHER ONES.
NEXT ONE SAYS, "FORGET THE
THEATER, THE BEST WAY TO WATCH
A MOVIE IS LOOKING TWO ROWS
AHEAD ON A PLANE AT SOME RANDOM
PERSON'S SCREEN."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
I WAS LIKE THAT -- I GO -- "OH,
WHAT IS THAT MOVIE, THAT LOOKS
GOOD?"
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
JENNIFER ANISTON AND
ADAM SANDLER, I'LL WATCH THAT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE THE
RESULTS ON THIS ONE, YEAH.
YEAH, NOT BAD, NOT BAD --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
THERE'S STILL SOME LOVE THERE.
>> Tariq: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
WE GOT TWO MORE CHANCES.
I THINK THIS ONE'S COULD BE --
WELL, MAYBE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THIS ONE SAYS, "NO ONE HAS EVER
SAID THE PHRASE 'SOMEONE'S IN
HERE!' IN A CALM VOICE."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Tariq: I -- I LIKE THAT.
>> Jimmy: "SOMEONE -- SOMEONE'S
IN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOMEONE'S IN HERE.
SHH, SOMEONE'S IN HERE."
LET'S SEE THE RESULTS ON THIS
ONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
"SOMEONE'S IN HERE.
SOMEONE'S IN HERE.
SOMEONE'S IN HERE!
SOMEONE'S IN HERE!"
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, I HEARD
YOU, GOSH.
THAT LOOKS LIKE THE TOPPER SO
FAR.
>> Tariq: YEAH.
>> Jimmy: LAST ONE SAYS,
"EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY THROWS
OUT THE MAC-N-CHEESE BOX AND
THEN REREADS THE INSTRUCTIONS
IN THE GARBAGE, RIGHT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
THAT ONE MIGHT TOP 177.
>> Tariq: MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: THAT MIGHT BE THE
ONE.
>> Tariq: I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: EVERYONE DOES IT.
THAT MIGHT BE THE ONE.
>> Tariq: TRUE, TRUE.
>> Jimmy: I FEEL THAT -- I FEEL
GOOD ABOUT THAT -- THAT'S
GETTING A LOT OF SMILING FACES
IN THE AUDIENCE.
LET'S SEE THE RESULTS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S IT.
THE WINNER RIGHT THERE.
I LOVE YOU.
HEY.
♪♪
IT LOOKS LIKE NUMBER FIVE IS
THE WINNER RIGHT THERE.
[ DINGING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M GOING TO POST THIS DURING
THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
IF YOU SEE IT ON YOUR FEED,
GIVE IT A LIKE, GIVE IT A
A "WETWEET" AND ENJOY.