-Well, you guys, today is Cyber Monday.
Yeah.
All across the country, people spent the day
ordering a bunch of crap online in their underwear,
then remembered it was Cyber Monday.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Seriously, Americans love Cyber Monday.
Mostly 'cause it's like Black Friday minus the cardio.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
But I feel like Cyber Monday has gotten way too commercial.
It used to mean something.
But now it's just about buying stuff.
[ Laughter ]
But this is cool.
I saw that Forever 21 had a great Cyber Monday deal.
The entire store was 40% off.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Not the products.
You could actually buy a Forever 21 for 40% off.
I bought like three of them. -I bought two.
-Also, today, I saw that you could also get 20% off on Spanx.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's kind of cool. You get 20% off on Spanx.
And then Spanx takes 20% off of you.
-Oh. [ Laughter and applause ]
-That's the way it works.
Of course, Amazon had all kinds of great deals on speakers,
cameras, smart TVs, voice assistants,
and a bunch of other stuff
that secretly records people having sex.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Amazon, I heard that lately federal officials
have been cracking down on fake reviews on the site.
But the good news is,
you can usually tell when a review is fake.
Check it out.
For instance, here's a rapid egg cooker.
The fake review says, "Cooks 12 eggs super quick."
The real review says, "It's never been faster
to fill your home with egg stank."
-Nice. That's nice.
[ Laughter ]
-Egg stank. -Egg stank, yeah.
-Next up, here's a package of Christmas lights.
Fake review says, "A beautiful way to spread Christmas cheer."
The real review says, "You'll spend six hours untangling them,
nine hours hanging them.
Then you'll look for that one single light that's out
before saying screw it and converting to Judaism."
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
"I can't find it!
Now it's blinking. Now it's blinking."
Next up, here's a Hydro Flask water bottle.
Fake review says, "Keep liquids ice-cold."
Real review says, "Um, perfect if you're a basic VSCO girl.
Just don't get my color, bitch."
Ts-ts-ts-ts! And ooh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Next, here's the Kindle Paperwhite.
Fake review says, "Way better for reading than an iPad."
Real review says, "With my iPad,
I keep getting too distracted to read,
as opposed to this, which I just never use."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, it's not charged.
-And finally, here's a handheld clothing steamer.
Fake review says, "Great way to eliminate wrinkles
after a day at work."
Real review says, "Terrible way to warm up a crotch
after shoveling snow."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Can't trust every review.
That's right. It's the start of the holiday season.
Oh, Tariq, I've been meaning to ask you,
how was your Thanksgiving this past weekend?
-Small.
-Oh, nice.
Small Thanksgivings are always fun, intimate.
Did you cook the turkey yourself?
-Delivery.
-You got it delivered? That's cool.
Where'd you spend the holiday?
-30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10112.
That's Studio 6B.
-Wait, you were at work for Thanksgiving?
-Confirm.
-Did you see anyone from the office?
-Confirm!
-Who else was here?
-Same as billing.
Same as billing! -What? What?
-I'm sorry, Jimmy. What were you saying?
I was just ordering a panini maker from Bed Bath & Beyond.
I got 15% off and free shipping.
Happy Cyber Monday, baby.
[ Cheers and applause ] Confirm!
-Thank you, thank you. Tariq Trotter.
Tariq Trotter again.
-[ Laughing ]
-Do you want to do confirm? -He's ordering more.
-Do you want to say "confirm" one more time?
-Confirm!
-Confirm. We got it.
Thank you.
And the Emmy goes to...
[ Drumroll ]
...Tariq Trotter!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, this is fun.
Earlier today, Melania Trump
unveiled this year's White House Christmas decorations.
And this year's theme was spirit of America.
Check it out.
Yeah. -Oh.
-That was way better than last year's theme,
Christmas meets "The Shining."
[ Laughter ]
But this -- But this is fun.
Melania used Scrabble tiles
to decorate the White House Christmas tree.
Check it out.
I like it. It says, "Be best."
President Trump also has a Scrabble ornament.
It says, "Witch hunt."
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Listen to this.
A new poll found that a majority of Republicans
think Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln.
But whether or not you agree, Trump actually has some quotes
that are very similar to Lincoln's.
I'll show you what I mean.
For example, Abraham Lincoln said,
"I've always found that mercy bears richer fruits."
While President Trump said,
"I've always found that red gummy bears are the juiciest."
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Lincoln said, "Give me six hours to chop down a tree,
and I will spend the first four sharpening the ax."
While Trump said, "I once put both of my feet
into the same leg hole and tipped over."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Lincoln famously said,
"Four score and seven years ago."
While Trump said,
"Seven years ago, I went to Scores four times."
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
Similar. -Yeah, very similar.
Very.
-Some entertainment news --
The new trailer for the next James Bond movie came out today.
[ Cheering ]
I'm not saying James Bond is getting old.
But in this movie, he and his Bond girl
just spend the night in bed watching "The Kominsky Method."
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-You guys, New York got pounded with snow today.
It was crazy out there, right?
It was rough out there.
On the way to work, I walked by the Nuts 4 Nuts guy.
He asked me to help warm his nuts.
-Really? [ Laughter ]
-I'm not trained. I don't know how to do that.
The weather is so bad, travelers flying out of JFK and Newark
had delays between one and two hours,
while people flying out of LaGuardia
were given sleeping bags and told, "You live here now."