WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE ARE COMING--
YEAH.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: YOU CAN FEEL A LOT OF ENERGY IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT
NOW BECAUSE WE ARE COMING TO WHAT MIGHT BE THE END OF DONALD
TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO WRAP IT ALL UP IN TIME TO NOT LEARN
ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
FILM: "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU
DID LAST SUMMER."
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.
NOW-- COMING TO GET YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF ARGUMENTS TODAY.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT
IMPEACH."
>> OH, NO!
OH, MY GOODNESS.
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
( BELL RINGS ) >> Stephen: TODAY, WE BEGAN A
NEW PHASE OF THE TRIAL, WHERE SENATORS CAN ASK QUESTIONS OF
THE TWO SIDES.
LAWYERS, SORT OF.
BECAUSE UNDER THE TRIAL RULES, SENATORS ARE TO SUBMIT WRITTEN
QUERIES TO BE READ ALOUD BY CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS.
SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE SEX ED, WHERE THEY LET STUDENTS SUBMIT
UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ANONYMOUSLY.
( AS ROBERTS )
DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FROM INDIANA INQUIRES...
'CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM HAND STUFF'?"
YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T.
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
THE STAR OF TODAY'S TRIAL WAS TRUMP'S LAWYER AND AGING
UNDERWEAR MODEL, ALAN DERSHOWITZ.
>> Audience: BOOOOO!
>> Stephen: ENJOY RETIREMENT.
HE WAS READY TO GO THE MOMENT HE ARRIVED AT THE SENATE BUILDING,
PROUDLY HOLDING UP A BAG OF UTZ SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS.
WHICH I PERSONALLY THINK THEY SHOULD USE AS A NEW AD CAMPAIGN:
"DEFENDING THIS PRESIDENT?
THAT IS UTZ'D UP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I COULD GO FOR A LITTLE UTZ.
>> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR.
>> Stephen: WHEN QUESTIONS BEGAN, DERSHOWITZ LAUNCHED INTO
A FREUDIAN DEFENSE.
>> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION
IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.
EVERY PRESIDENT BELIEVES THAT.
THAT IS WHY IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO TRY TO PSYCHOANALYZE A
PRESIDENT, TO TRY TO GET INTO THE INTRICACIES OF THE HUMAN
MIND!
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP'S MIND IS SO INTRICATE, SO HARD TO
PENETRATE.
HE'S FULL OF COMPLEX IDEAS, LIKE...
( AS TRUMP )
BOOBS GOOD.
WHERE'S FOOD?" NOW, DERSHOWITZ PREVIOUSLY GAVE
US THE CRAZY THEORY, "QUID PRO QUO ISN'T IMPEACHABLE."
TODAY, HE ROLLED OUT HIS SEQUEL: IT MIGHT BE GOOD!
>> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION
IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.
AND, MOSTLY, YOU ARE RIGHT.
YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.
AND IF A PRESIDENT DOES SOMETHING WHICH HE BELIEVES WILL
HELP HIM GET ELECTED IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST, THAT CANNOT BE
THE KIND OF QUID PRO QUO THAT RESULTS IN IMPEACHMENT!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: SO LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT: HE'S SAYING THAT IF A POLITICIAN BELIEVES THEIR
REELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST-- AND HE JUST SAID ALL
FOLLOWS THAT ANYTHING THEY DO TO GET REELECTED IS FINE.
THAT SEEMS LIKE A CRAZY, CORRUPT ARGUMENT.
I MEAN, NO ONE HAS EVER ARGUED THAT THAT QUID PRO QUO ISN'T
ILLEGAL.
>> WHEN THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, THAT MEANS IT IS NOT ILLEGAL.
>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED
I STAND CORRECTED
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA!
>> Stephen: BY YET ANOTHER DICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, SIFTING THROUGH THE LOGICAL TURD DERSHOWITZ JUST PINCHED
OUT IN THE SENATE WELL THERE, IT'S HARD TO FIND
THE LARGEST CORN KERNEL OF LOGICAL FALLACY.
( LAUGHTER )
HIS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY ANY QUID PRO QUO WITH A FOREIGN
GOVERNMENT TO MANIPULATE OUR ELECTIONS WOULD BE FINE.
WHY IS THAT AGAIN, ALAN?
>> YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT.
ONLY THE PUBLIC GETS TO DECIDE WHAT'S IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST,
NOT THE POLITICIAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU THE DOUCHE BAG.
THAT'S WHY ON ELECTION DAY, YOU DON'T SEE A POLITICIAN WEARING A
STICKER THAT SAYS, "YOU VOTED.
TRUST ME."
OF COURSE, ESTEEMED COUNSELOR TIGHTY WHITEY DOES THINK SOME
QUID QUO PRO MIGHT BE POSSIBLY BAD.
>> IT WOULD BE A MUCH HARDER CASE IF A HYPOTHETICAL PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES SAID TO A HYPOTHETICAL LEADER OF A
FOREIGN COUNTRY, "UNLESS YOU BUILD A HOTEL WITH MY NAME ON IT
AND UNLESS YOU GIVE ME A MILLION-DOLLAR KICKBACK, I WILL
WITHHOLD THE FUNDS."
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "SLOW DOWN, DERSH.
THESE ARE GREAT IDEAS.
ERIC, START TAKING NOTES.
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?" HE CONTINUED WITH HIS BLUEPRINT
FOR A BANANA REPUBLIC: >> A COMPLEX MIDDLE CASE IS.
"I WANT TO BE ELECTED BECAUSE I THINK I'M A GREAT PRESIDENT.
I THINK I'M THE GREATEST PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS, AND IF
I'M NOT ELECTED, THE NATIONAL INTEREST WILL SUFFER GREATLY."
THAT CANNOT BE AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE.
>> Stephen: "THAT CAN'T BE AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE"?
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?
( LAUGHTER )
POSTERS ARE HANGING IN DERSHOWITZ'S OFFICE?
"CONFIDENCE: WHEN YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN FLY, YOU'RE ALWAYS ABOVE
THE LAW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: SO WHAT WOULD MAKE A QUID QUO PRO ILLEGAL, ALAN
DERSHOWITZ?
>> THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE A QUID PRO QUO UNLAWFUL IS
IF THE QUO WERE, IN SOME WAY, ILLEGAL.
>> Stephen: SO THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL IS IF IT'S
ILLEGAL.
( LAUGHTER )
EATING ITS OWN TAIL.
OR A HEAD EATING ITS OWN ASS, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU
PULLED THAT ARGUMENT RIGHT OUT OF THE OLD DERSHY HIGHWAY
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: EARLIER TODAY, TRUMP HELD A SIGNING CEREMONY FOR HIS
U.S.M.C.A. TRADE DEAL, AND HE GOT SOME OF HIS SENATE BUDDIES
PUMPED UP TO ASK THEIR QUESTIONS.
>> TED CRUZ.
BOY, HAS HE BEEN-- WHERE IS TED?
BOY, OH, BOY, HE'S DYING TO GET BACK THERE AND ASK THOSE
QUESTIONS, I KNOW.
HE'S SITTING THERE, "LET ME OUT OF THERE, PRESIDENT!
I WANT TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS!" HE'S GOT SOME BEAUTIES, I'LL
BET.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
IN FACT, WE HAVE A COPY OF TED CRUZ'S FIRST QUESTION TODAY,
"WHY DO PEOPLE OF EARTH RECOIL WHEN VIEWING TED CRUZ'S HUMAN
SMILE?"
THE BIG DECISION HANGING OVER THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS WHETHER
OR NOT THE SENATE IS GOING TO ALLOW ANY WITNESSES.
SPECIFICIALLY, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR JOHN BOLTON,
SEEN HERE AFTER BEING TOLD HE CAN'T HAVE A BALLOON OR A WAR
WITH IRAN.
( LAUGHTER )
UPCOMING BOOK, HE SAYS TRUMP TOLD HIM PERSONALLY THAT
MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE WAS BEING HELD UP UNLESS
ZELENSKY LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION OF THE BIDENS.
THERE IT IS.
THAT'S NOT JUST A SMOKING GUN.
THAT IS A FLAMETHROWER THAT IS ON FIRE.
TODAY--
TODAY, NATURALLY, IN RESPONSE TO THIS REVELATION, TODAY TRUMP
ATTACKED BOLTON'S CHARACTER TWEETING:
( AS TRUMP )
APPROVED FOR THE AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N. YEARS AGO, COULDN'T
GET APPROVED FOR ANYTHING SINCE, BEGGED ME FOR A
NONSENATE-APPROVED JOB-- WHICH I GAVE HIM DESPITE MANY SAYING
"DON'T DO IT, SIR"-- TAKES THE JOB, MISTAKENLY SAYS 'LIBYAN
MODEL' ON TV, AND DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, MANY MORE
MISTAKES OF JUDGEMENT, GETS FIRED BECAUSE FRANKLY, IF I
LISTENED TO HIM, WE WOULD BE IN WORLD WAR SIX BY NOW, AND GOES
OUT AND IMMEDIATELY WRITES A NASTY AND UNTRUE BOOK, ALL
CLASSIFIED.
NATIONAL SECURITY.
WHO WOULD DO THIS?" FIRST OF ALL, WORLD WAR SIX?
"OPERATION TOKYO DRIFT"?
ALSO, IF EVERYTHING BOLTON SAID IS "NASTY AND UNTRUE," HOW CAN
IT ALSO BE CLASSIFIED?
THAT WOULD CERTAINLY CHANGE "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE."
>> YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS NASTY
AND UNTRUE.
THIS TAPE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.
I LIED.
IT'S TWO.
( LAUGHTER )
"WHY DIDN'T JOHN BOLTON COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS 'NONSENSE' A LONG
TIME AGO, WHEN HE WAS VERY PUBLICLY TERMINATED?
HE SAID-- NOT THAT IT MATTERS-- NOTHING!"
( AS TRUMP )
NOT THAT IT MATTERS!
BECAUSE JOHN BOLTON'S BETRAYAL DEFINITELY DIDN'T HURT MY
FEELINGS!
I DON'T SPEND MY NIGHTS CLUTCHING THE PRINGLES CAN WITH
HIS FACE ON IT, CRYING AND EATING HIS DELICIOUS CRISPY
INNARDS.
NO.
ME AND DERSHOWITZ ARE MOVING ON TO UTZ."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A CALL-BACK.
UTZ.
>> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR STILL THE ONE.
>> Stephen: TODAY WE LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE ISSUED A
FORMAL THREAT TO BOLTON TO KEEP HIM FROM PUBLISHING HIS BOOK.
WOW.
WOW, SO RARE FOR TRUMP TO ISSUE A FORMAL THREAT.
( AS TRUMP )
IS MY SINCEREST RECOMMENDATION THAT YOU KEEP ONE EYE OPEN WHILE
YOU SLEEP.
( LAUGHTER )
YOUR TEMPORARILY UNCUT BRAKE CABLES, DONALD J. TRUMP."
( LAUGHTER )
LETTER TO BOLTON'S LAWYER, SAYING THE BOOK CONTAINED
INFORMATION AT THE TOP SECRET LEVEL THAT COULD "CAUSE
EXCEPTIONALLY GRAVE HARM TO THE NATIONAL SECURITY OF THE UNITED
STATES."
WELL, GIVEN EVERYTHING TRUMP'S DONE TO HARM THE NATIONAL
SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES, AT THIS POINT, I THINK WE CAN
HANDLE A BOOK.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REPEATEDLY GETTING RUN OVER BY A BUS, AND THEN THE
PARAMEDIC SAYS, "OKAY, THIS COTTON SWAB MIGHT STING A BIT."
THE MAN CHARGED WITH KEEPING BOLTON FROM TESTIFYING IS SENATE
MAJORITY LEADER, AND EMPEROR PALPATINE'S FUN BROTHER, MITCH
McCONNELL.
>> Audience: BOOOO!
>> Stephen: A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT.
NOW, YESTERDAY, AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT,
McCONNELL TOLD REPUBLICAN SENATORS HE DOES NOT YET HAVE
THE VOTES YET TO BLOCK.
WITNESSES.
NICE EDITING, WAPO.
( LAUGHTER )
GRAMMAR DIES IN DARKNESS.
( LAUGHTER )
DOES NOT YET HAVE ENOUGH VOTES YET.
IT'S PROBABLY WHY HE WENT UP TO CAPITOL HILL BRIGHT AND EARLY
TO LOBBY SENATORS AND SACRIFICE A GOAT.
McCONNELL DOES NOT HAVE THE OFFICIAL VOTE COUNT, BUT HE'S
BEEN TALLYING GOP SUPPORT FOR WITNESSES BY USING A CARD WITH
"YES," "NO," AND "MAYBES" MARKED ON IT.
HE'S TREATING IMPEACHMENT LIKE A SEVENTH GRADER WHO HAS A CRUSH.
PASSING NOTES THAT SAY "DO YOU LIKE DEMOCRACY?
YES, NO, MAYBE.
ALSO, MITT ROMNEY EATS BOOGERS, PASS IT ON."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> Jon: ALLEGEDLY.
WE NEVER KNEW.
>> StepheN: SO WE DON'T KNOW IF WITNESSES ARE GOING TO BE
CALLED.
BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR HOPE.
MAYBE DON'T GO ASKING CHUCK SCHUMER.
>> I THINK IT'S UP IN THE AIR.
IS THERE A CHANCE WE MIGHT GET A VOTE TO ALLOW WITNESSES AND.
DOCUMENTS?
YES.
BUT IT IS ALSO AN UPHILL FIGHT, AND I WOULDN'T DO ANY DANCES--
JOY DANCES NOW.
YES, I WOULD NOT.
>> Stephen: (AS SCHUMER) "I WOULD NOT BE DOING ANY
DANCES, JOY DANCES.
NOR AM I PREPARED TO EXPEL ANY MIRTH LAUGHTER OR EXCHANGE ANY
LEVITY HIGH-FIVES.
I AM CHUCK SCHUMER, AND I AM THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF
DESPAIR."
( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT, TRUMP GOT AWAY FROM.
IMPEACHMENT AND MADE A VISIT TO THE WILDWOOD BOARDWALK DOWN IN
NEW JERSEY.
TRUMP PLAYED A SONG IN HIS SPEECH I THOUGHT I'D NEVER HEAR
AGAIN.
>> WE ARE NOW BUILDING THAT BEAUTIFUL WALL.
MEXICO IS IN FACT, YOU WILL SOON FIND OUT, PAYING FOR THE WALL.
I'LL HIT YOU WITH THAT.
NOW, THE WALL IS ULTIMATELY AND VERY NICELY BEING PAID FOR BY
MEXICO.
>> Stephen: DUDE, YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP LYING ABOUT MEXICO
PAYING FOR THE WALL.
THE GIG IS UP.
WHEN PARENTS TELL THEIR KIDS THEY'RE TAKING THEM TO
DISNEYLAND AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE A TRIP TO THE DENTIST, THEY
DON'T KEEP TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM THEY'RE AT DISNEYLAND.
"HEY, GOOFY IS REPEATEDLY JABBING YOU IN THE GUMS WITH A
SICKLE PROBE.
YOU LOVE GOOFY!" BLOOD IN THE SINK.
♪ IT'S A ROOT CANAL AFTER ALL ♪ IT'S A ROOT CANAL AFTER ALL ♪
( APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
STEVE MARTIN IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" I PROMISE.
STICK AROUND.