Good morning everyone.
Calling the case of Bandana Waddle Dee vs Smash Bros. I’m happy to see you made it
to the correct side of the court house this time, Prosecution.
Are both sides ready?
The Prosecution is ready, Your Honor.
The Defense is ready, Your Honor.
Very well.
Your opening statement please, Prosecutor Derrick.
Your honor, it is far past time that the Waddle Dees got their due in Super Smash Bros. They’ve
been a part of Kirby from the very beginning as loyal servants to King Dedede in Kirby’s
Dream Land nearly 30 years ago and have even already appeared in the Smash Bros games as
part of Dedede’s introduction, his moveset in Brawl, and again as enemies in Smash Run.
These Dees deserve more!
Sure, they’re basically the Goombas of Kirby games, but that’s the thing.
They’re an integral part of the series and are just as recognizable as any character!
Maybe even moreso!
The court accepts the prosecution’s opening statement into the court record.
I trust you have an adequate rebuttal prepared, defense?
Not just an adequate rebuttal, Your Honor -- a COMPLETE rebuttal!
I’ll start by highlighting the obvious: You wouldn’t make a Goomba playable in Smash.
Why a Waddle Dee?
That was a rhetorical question, by the way.
The fact that you couldn’t even introduce the subject without first explaining that
he’s just one of thousands -- no, perhaps millions -- of Kirby’s most basic, generic,
low-level enemy says it all.
You already admitted it yourself when you said that Waddle Dees are, and I quote, “basically
the Goombas of Kirby games.”
HOLD IT!
There may be millions of Waddle Dees, but there’s one that’s proven himself worthy
of Smash.
In fact, over the years, this one Waddle Dee has risen through the ranks and has been recognized
for his efforts.
And all he had to do was pick up a spear!
Bandana Waddle Dee has become just as prominent as any of the other Kirby mainstays in Smash.
And in fact, it would complete the quartet that was featured in Kirby’s Return to Dream
Land.
He’s the only playable character from that game not playable in Smash and that needs
to be fixed.
Heck, Bandana Dee has been around since the SNES where he was first featured as one of
the opponents in Kirby Super Star’s Megaton Punch!
I’d like to see a Goomba crack the world in half!
And since then, he’s become one of Kirby’s closest friends.
He helped him out by tossing items in both Triple Deluxe and Planet Robobot, was Kirby’s
confidante through all of Battle Royale, and was the only other playable character in Rainbow
Curse!
And that’s not even counting his co-starring role in Return to Dream Land.
Now remind me, who were the others?
Oh right!
Kirby, Meta Knight, and Dedede, who are all in Smash!
And he was right there along these three as one of the initial Dream Friends in Star Allies.
In fact, ever since Return to Dream Land, Bandana Waddle Dee has made just as many appearances
in Kirby games as King Dedede and more than Meta Knight!
He’s every bit as important as Kirby’s other representatives in Smash!
HOLD IT!
You’re aware you’re not on the defense team today, correct, prosecutor?
Because you just made my case without me having to lift a finger!
I’d like to call the court’s attention to a particular sentence in your argument...
All he had to do was pick up a spear.
Your words, prosecutor, not mine.
That’s literally all he had to do… unless you're saying that's all it takes to make
it into Smash as a playable character these days?
Picking up a spear and putting on a bandana?
Tossing items to Kirby in a cameo appearance?
Have we really fallen so far?
Furthermore, you're saying a lot about how Bandana Waddle Dee has risen to prominence
over the course of the series.
He's so prominent, in fact, that he didn't even make it onto the box art for the most
recent game in the series, Kirby Star Allies!
Sure, an apparition of him appears in the game as a Dream Friend, but that's not even
him in the flesh and it's a completely optional, minor role compared to the actual Star Allies
Kirby journeys with.
If that's how Kirby treats "one of his closest friends," remind me never to become his enemy.
Kirby’s Return to Dream Land came out in 2011!
Playable Bandana Waddle Dee is so seven years ago...
OBJECTION!
When have box art appearances ever been relevant to a Smash Bros slot?
The Wii Fit Trainer certainly wasn’t the star of her box art yet she still made it
in.
And how does a yoga instructor make it in over one of the most beloved characters in
all of Kirby!
That "yoga instructor" you just brushed off so disrespectfully just now, prosecutor, does
in fact appear on the Japanese and European box art for Wii Fit AND Wii Fit Plus!
And not only that, like it or not that same "yoga instructor" is the star of one of Nintendo's
most prolific franchises.
Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus together have sold through almost 44 million copies to date -- a
number that would make any Waddle Dee, bandana-wearing or not, cower in shame.
And while it's true that you don't have to headline a multi-million-selling game to make
the cut for Smash, suggesting that Bandana Waddle Dee is anywhere near equal in relevance
to Wii Fit Trainer... or anything other than a Goomba... is simply preposterous.
The only thing preposterous is the idea that Kirby isn’t a huge financial success!
It’s Nintendo’s 8th best selling franchise, and even if the collective sales still fall
short of Wii Fit--you know what else does?
The entire Smash Bros series too, missing the mark by millions of copies.
So by your own admission, the Smash Bros series isn’t as prominent as Wii Fit.
I think we both know that’s not the case.
Even beyond that though,what does anyone remember about Wii Fit beyond the Trainer being in
Smash and the Balance Board?
Nothing!
Did the Wii Fit Trainer ever get its own anime?
Does the Trainer have mountains of plushies and other merchandise made of it?
Nope, but Kirby and the Waddle Dees certainly did.
Heck, the most notable thing Wii Fit Trainer has done is appear in Super Smash Bros. at
all.
Face it, the Waddle Dees are iconic at this point and Bandana Waddle Dee is the perfect
representative of that.
They are adorable, memorable, and, thanks to Bandana Dee, even a bit fierce.
Plus, he comes ready made with a unique moveset that is entirely his own thanks to that spear
that you mocked!
If a spear is so easy to pick up, why hasn’t one of the 64 different Fire Emblem characters
used one in Smash?
HOLD IT!
While you raise a fair point about how ridiculous it is that Smash’s roster still doesn’t
have any spear-wielders, Fire Emblem or not… that’s kind of stating the obvious.
There certainly is room for one, and I never argued there wasn't.
I'm simply challenging your assertion that this role can and should be filled by just
anyone.
Sure, Bandana Waddle Dee has a spear.
But so do other, far more deserving Nintendo characters, and you don't even need to dip
your toes back into the Fire Emblem pool to find them.
The Zelda series, for example, has the Hyrule Warriors incarnation of Impa with her naginata
as well as Mipha from the recent Breath of the Wild.
Even Star Fox's Krystal, as unpopular as she is in some circles, wields a staff with a
pointed end which may as well be a spear.
And yet you would still argue that a basic Goom -- sorry, Waddle Dee -- who decided to
pick up a spear and put on a bandana that morning is more deserving of a spot in Smash's
roster than than any of the three completely unique characters I just cited?
Then why don't we just throw in all of Paper Mario's partners too?
By your logic, Bow would be an especially perfect fit for Smash as a generic Boo who...
wait for it... wears bows and carries a fan.
I believe my point is clear.
Look, I'm not some anti-Waddle Dee hardliner.
Waddle Dees are great!
They're cute.
They're lovable.
They're cuddly, even.
But they're not fit for Smash.
We have standards in this court, Prosecutor.
What do you think this is, PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale?
Oof… harsh words, Defense, even to this experienced old judge’s ears.
But you raise a salient point.
How do you respond, Prosecution?
If you think Bandana Dee is as bad a choice as Remake Dante, you must be insane.
Of course, you’re arguing against Waddle Dee in the first place so I can’t say I’m
surprised.
At any rate, the Defenses point is utterly moot.
As we’ve seen from sword users in Smash, they don’t all play the same.
There’s a huge difference between Link, Marth, and Meta Knight.
And i would say that Bandana Dee is a much more prominent spear user than any of the
characters you just mentioned.
The naginata is Impa’s secondary weapon and Mipha barely appeared in, what, all of
5 minutes in Breath of the Wild.
Then there’s Krystal, and her own franchise barely knew what to do with her after Assault
and then they rebooted the whole thing with Star Fox Zero, leaving her out entirely!
Plus there’s the problem of constructing a moveset wholesale for her while Bandana
Waddle Dee is practically ready to jump right into Smash!
I mean, just look at what he’s capable of in Return to Dream Land and Star Allies!
That is so perfect for Smash Bros. Switch that it isn’t even funny.
His Spear Copter could be his recovery with its range perhaps dependent on the player
charging it.
Meanwhile his Spear Throw could act as the side special to give him a long-range attack.
It could even be charged as well in order to throw out three spears at once!
His down special could be the Windmill from Battle Royale which is like an inverse Spear
Copter only minus the lift.
And the standard special could be the Gale Thrust where he lunges forward with a spear
strike.
The spear would naturally fill out the rest of his moves.
Stabs in every direction, an aerial thrust downward that could act as a spike, and maybe
even something completely new to really get his fans excited.
For example, he could somehow perform a kind of twirl where he spirals up his spear and
slams it into the ground for extra power.
His Final Smash could call in hordes of Waddle Dees to attack en masse, maybe even in the
form of the Waddle Dee ball from Star Allies!
They could even really change things up by integrating in a few Parasol-based attacks!
There’s so much potential here, and it’s wasted by keeping Bandana Dee on the Bandana
Bench!
And if you want to talk friends of Kirby...he’s beaten up so many of them over the years that
it would be more shocking if they didn’t go toe to toe!
He’s never had to fight Bandana Dee once!
All he could do was face him in a test of strength.
That’s true respect.
That is mighty impressive.
The prosecution’s argument is noted.
How do you respond defense?
I OBJECT!
(alt: With an OBJECTION, of course!)
Granted, I will admit the potential move set you just laid out for Bandana Waddle Dee was
mildly interesting...
until you BROKE YOUR OWN RULES, prosecutor.
It seems you expect me, this court, and our honorable Judge Hand here to abide your argument
for Bandana Waddle Dee as a completely unique, fleshed-out, Smash-ready version of a generic
character even though you yourself JUST conflated him and his potential moves with Parasol Waddle
Dee, who most certainly is NOT just another generic Waddle Dee that just happens to be
carrying a parasol.
In case you couldn’t tell, Your Honor, that was sarcasm.
Let’s keep it clean, Defense.
...My apologies, Your Honor.
But sarcasm aside, how many Waddle Dees DOES it take to construct a complete moveset for
Smash?
More than just one, CLEARLY.
"The spear would naturally fill out the rest of his moves" doesn't cut it in THIS court,
prosecutor.
TAKE THAT!
The defense raises a compelling point.
How is this character supposed to stand on its own if it can’t even fill out its own
moveset?
What say you, prosecution?
Your Honor, Ness wasn’t able to fill out his moveset either.
In fact, none of his Special Moves are even his!
They were all stolen directly from Paula.
Why does Ness get a pass for this and Waddle Dee is hounded by the defense for the simple
suggestion of a little Parasol?
Regardless, just because there’s a lot of something, that doesn’t mean it’s generic.
Waddle Dees have done tons over the years across every single Kirby game!
Sure they may simply walk around or nap, but others ride Nruffs, drive cars, and even made
trains that look just like themselves!
How can you not find that cute and memorable!
And besides even the fact that his moveset could be pulled from across the series, when
has that ever stopped Master Sakurai from creating moves wholesale or choosing possibilities
from across a character’s history!
Where do you think Captain Falcon’s Falcon Punch came from?!
Bandana Dee simply deserves that spot in Smash.
HOLD IT!
The prosecution has made the claim that Waddle Dees are "iconic," which the defense believes
is a... strong word.
If it pleases you, Your Honor, I have a question for the court.
Proceed, defense.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I ask simply this: Is it mere coincidence that, of all
of King Dedede's special moves in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, the ONLY TWO that were completely
replaced in the transition to Smash 4 were the ones featuring Waddle Dees?
Let's break it down.
In Brawl, Dedede's side special was the "Waddle Dee Toss," where he would throw Waddle Dees
at enemies, with the occasional extra-damaging Gordo tossed in for good measure.
And what did Smash 4 replace that with?
The Gordo Toss.
Smash 4 literally took out ONLY the Waddle Dees from a move named AFTER WADDLE DEES.
But wait, there's more!
Dedede's Final Smash in Brawl, "Waddle Dee Army," was widely considered to be so ineffectual
and worthless that it, too, was replaced by a new Final Smash called Dedede Burst, which
-- you guessed it -- has nothing to do with Waddle Dees.
Clearly, even the King himself knows Waddle Dees have no place on Smash's battlefields...
pun not intended.
Regardless…
I rest my case, Your Honor.
It’s time for Bandana Waddle Dee to waddle dee heck out of this courtroom.
And yet they still carry Dedede into battle, proving them to be his most loyal subjects.
You didn’t see Gordos in Star Allies opening cutscene.
No, you saw Waddle Dees.
You didn’t see other Kirby enemies in Subspace Emissary either.
Just the Waddle Dee.
And I would argue, Your Honor, that removing them from Dedede’s moveset leaves them perfectly
available as a playable Smash Fighter.
It’s time for Bandana Dee to take the stage!
Well, Defense, that makes one thing right you’ve gotten all day: they carry him INTO
battle.
They don't stay there... because, as I just illustrated, their own king knows they don't
belong -- and so do they.
Order!
Order in the court!
It’s time to render my verdict.
In the case of Bandana Waddle Dee vs. Smash Bros, I rule that Bandana Waddle Dee is...is...is
NOT fit for Smash!
While the prosecution’s points do paint a clear picture of how Bandana Dee could work,
the defense’s arguments get to the truth of the matter: Bandana Waddle Dee’s appeal
is simply too limited.
It is this court’s belief that an appearance in Smash needs to go beyond practicality and
focus more on how influential the character is.
Case dismissed!
What?!
How'd I lose again?
What does this freaking hand have against me?
It’s just so *Marx Scream*