WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TODAY WAS A HUGE DAY FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET EVERYBODY TO FORGET ABOUT HIS RECENT BIG
FAILURES, HE UNVEILED HIS NEXT BIG FAILURE: TAX REFORM.
OKAY.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE.
AND IN HIS KICKOFF SPEECH, HE GAVE A SHOUTOUT TO HIS FAVORITE
PEOPLE: THE FORGOTTEN ONES.
>> FIRST, WE WILL CUT TAXES FOR THE EVERYDAY, HARD-WORKING
AMERICANS, THE PEOPLE THAT WORK SO LONG, SO HARD.
AND THEY HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN.
BUT THEY ARE NOT FORGOTTEN ANYMORE.
I THINK WE PROVED THAT ON NOVEMBER 8.
>> Stephen: TRUE, WE PROVED A LOT ON NOVEMBER 8.
( LAUGHTER ) I PROVED THAT ONE MAN CAN DRINK
AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF BOURBON AND STILL REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- EVERYTHING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK
TRUMP'S NEW TAX PLAN IS FULL OF CUTS FOR THE WEALTHY AND BIG
CORPORATIONS, WELL, YES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, LIKE ANY GOOD REALITY TV
STAR, TRUMP INSISTS HE'S HERE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.
>> I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING, AND IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME,
BELIEVE ME.
>> Stephen: "IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.
I MEAN, IT'S ABOUT TAXES.
I NEVER PAY THOSE.
NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
IT'S NOT MY BAG.
I DON'T DO IT."
A. HE DON'T DO IT♪ HE DON'T DO T >> Stephen: BUT TRUMP COULD
REALLY USE A WIN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THINGS HAVE NOT BEEN
GOING HIS WAY BY ANY MEASURE.
THE LATEST IS THE ALABAMA G.O.P.
SENATE PRIMARY.
PRESIDENT, FIGHT THE ESTABLISHMENT-BACKED SENATOR AND
SHAVED HODOR, LUTHER STRANGE.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP TWEETED HIS SUPPORT FOR
STRANGE.
HE DID ROBOCALLS, HELD A RALLY FOR HIM.
HE WENT ALL IN!
WELL, REMEMBER HOW TRUMP PREDICTED WE'D GET TIRED OF
WINNING?
WELL, I THINK HE'S ALREADY THERE BECAUSE HE LOST, BADLY.
A SPANKING, REALLY.
AND TO MAKE IT STING ALL THE MORE, THEY LOST TO STEVE
BANNON'S CANDIDATE, FORMER JUDGE AND "WESTWORLD" ROBOT NO ONE
WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH, ROY MOORE.
WHITE HOUSE AIDES SAY THE PRESIDEPRESIDENT IS EMBARRASSED
PISSED.
WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS REPLACING "IN GOD WE TRUST" ON
ALL U.S. CURRENCY.
( APPLAUSE ) SURE, WHY NOT.
AND THE PROOF THAT HE'S EMBARRASSED IS THAT TRUMP HAS
DELETED HIS TWEETS SUPPORTING LUTHER STRANGE.
APPARENTLY, APPARENTLY, DONALD TRUMP THINKS IF YOU DELETE
SOMETHING FROM THE INTERNET, IT IS GONE.
IT'S ALSO WHAT HE THINKS HAPPENS TO JOHN KELLY WHEN THEY PLAY
PEEK-A-BOO.
LOOK, MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T BE ASHAMED THAT YOUR CANDIDATE
TURNED OUT TO BE A LOSER.
YOUR SUPPORTERS SEEM TO DEAL WITH IT PRETTY WELL.
SO, UNLESS THE DEMOCRATS NOMINATE A STATUE OF A
CONFEDERATE FLAG, IT LOOKS LIKE ROY MOORE IS THE NEXT SENATOR
FROM ALABAMA.
SO, LET'S GET TO KNOW MR. MOORE IN TONIGHT'S "THE ROY YOU KNOW."
ROY-- THERE HE IS.
ROY MOORE HAS WAGED A DECADES-LONG FIGHT AGAINST
L.G.B.T. RIGHTS IN ALABAMA, CALLING HOMOSEXUALITY "AN ACT SO
HEINOUS THAT IT DEFIES ONE'S ABILITY TO DESCRIBE IT."
BUT I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOU TRY.
"WELL, I HEARD THE TWO FELLAS RUB THEIR JUNK TOGETHER UNTIL A
GAY BABY COMES OUT."
( LAUGHTER ) AND-- THAT'S WHAT HE HEARD.
THAT'S WHAT HE HEARD.
THAT'S WHAT HE THINKS HAPPENS.
EVEN-- IT'S LIKE STARTING A FIRE!
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
I SEE SMOKE!
GET SOME TINDER!
BLOW ON IT!
THIS IS, OBVIOUSLY, A STICK.
THIS IS A STICK!
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN YEARS OF "WILL & GRACE"
RERUNS HAVE NOT SOFTENED MOORE'S POSITION, BECAUSE, EARLIER JUST
THIS YEAR, HE SUGGESTED 9/11 MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PUNISHMENT FOR
THE U.S. TURNING AWAY FROM GOD, SAYING THAT THE ALMIGHTY WAS
UPSET AT THE U.S. BECAUSE "WE LEGITIMIZE SODOMY".
YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM THIS ONE, GAY PEOPLE.
WE DO LEGITIMIZE IT.
THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME ANYONE ENGAGES IN SODOMY, THEY GET THIS
COOL CERTIFICATE OF SODOMY FROM THE FRANKLIN MINT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS SUITABLE FOR FRAMING.
EXACTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW ROY MOORE DESCRIBES
OUR NATION'S RACIAL DIVIDE: >> NOW WE HAVE BLACKS AND WHITES
FIGHTING, REDS AND YELLOWS FIGHTING."
>> Stephen: BLACKS, WHITES, REDS, AND YELLOWS?
I HOPE HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE POWER RANGERS.
( LAUGHTER ) UH-HUH.
OR JELLYBEANS.
EVEN IF YOU LOOK PAST THE RACIST LANGUAGE OF CALLING ETHNIC
GROUPS "REDS" AND "YELLOWS"-- AND YOU SHOULDN'T-- WHERE DOES
HE LIVE WHERE HE'S CONSTANTLY SEEING NATIVE AMERICANS AND
ASIANS FIGHTING EACH OTHER?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IF THAT'S TRUE-- I GOT
TO SAY, THE 2017 REBOOT OF "WEST SIDE STORY" SOUNDS PRETTY
AWESOME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YES!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, I KNOW MOORE
SEEMS LIKE A TROGLODYTE, BUT HE HAS THE SOUL OF A POET.
IN FACT, HE WROTE THIS POEM: QUICK FACT CHECK: NO ONE WANDERS
AIMLESSLY ON COCAINE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY HAVE VERY SPECIFIC,
UNATTAINABLE GOALS, OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
I LOVE YOU!
LET'S START A BUSINESS.
I WANT TO DANCE!
A DANCING BUSINESS!
WOO!
BUT FIRST, LET'S CLEAN THE FIREPLACE WITH A TOOTHBRUSH!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )