- In Australia we had guns, right?
Right up until 1996.
And in 1996 Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth.
Still hasn't been beaten.
(audience laughing)
After that they banned the guns.
In the 10 years before Port Arthur there was 10 massacres.
Since the gun ban in 1996,
there hasn't been a single massacre since.
I don't know how or why this happened.
(audience laughing)
Maybe it was a coincidence, right?
Please understand that I understand
that Australia and America are two
vastly different cultures with different people.
Right, I get it.
In Australia we had the biggest massacre on Earth,
and the Australian government went,
that's it, no more guns!
And we all went, yeah, all right then,
that seems fair enough really.
(audience laughing)
In America you had the Sandy Hook Massacre
where little tiny children died,
and your government went, maybe,
we'll get rid of the big guns?
(audience laughing)
And 50% of you went, fuck you, don't take my guns!
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Here's where it gets confusing, right.
As I said, I'm all for your Second Amendment rights.
I think you should be able to have guns,
it's in your Constitution.
What I'm not for is bullshit arguments and lies.
There is one argument and one argument alone
for having a gun, and this is the argument.
Fuck off.
I like guns.
(audience laughing)
It's not the best argument but it's all you've got.
(audience laughing)
And there's nothing wrong with it.
There's nothing wrong with saying
I like something, don't take it away from me.
But don't give me this other bullshit.
The main one is, I need it for protection.
(audience laughing)
I need to protect me, I need to protect my family.
(audience laughing)
Really?
Is that why they're called assault rifles, is it?
(audience laughing)
Never heard of these fuckin' protection rifles you speak of.
(audience laughing)
Protection?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You have a gun in your house,
you're 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself
than to shoot someone else.
And people think, well, that'd never happen to me.
You don't know that, because you know what?
♪ From time to time we all get sad ♪
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
♪ One day you're happy, then you're sad ♪
And then uh-oh.
(audience laughing)
Protection?
I had a break-in in Manchester, England,
where I was tied up, I had my head cut.
They threatened to rape my girlfriend.
They came through the window with a machete and a hammer.
And Americans always go, well, imagine if you had a gun.
I'm like, all right.
I was naked at the time.
(audience laughing)
I wasn't wearin' my holster.
(audience laughing)
I wasn't staring at the window waiting
for cunts with machetes to come through.
(audience laughing)
What world do you live in where
you're constantly fuckin' ready?
(audience laughing)
You have guns 'cause you like guns.
That's why you go to gun conventions.
That's why you read gun magazines.
None of you give a shit about home security.
None of you go to home security conventions.
None of you read Padlock Monthly.
(audience laughing) None of you have a Facebook
picture of you behind a secure door going,
fuckin' yeah!
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Like you're gonna be ready if someone comes into your house.
You have it all fuckin' times.
By the way, most people who are breaking into your house
just want your fuckin' TV!
(audience laughing)
You think that people are coming to murder your family?
How many fuckin' enemies do you have?
(audience laughing)
Geez, you think a lot of yourself
if you think everyone's coming to murder ya.
(audience laughing)
See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe.
You have it in your bedside table,
one of your kids picks it up, thinks it's a toy,
shoots another one of your kids.
Happens every fuckin' day.
And people go, that'd never happen in my house
'cause I'm a responsible gun owner,
I keep my guns locked in a safe.
Then they're no fuckin' protection!
(audience laughing)
Someone comes into the house,
you're like, wait there, fuckface.
(audience laughing)
Oh, you've come to the wrong house here, buddy boy.
I tell you what. (audience applauding)
I'm gonna fuck you up.
(audience cheering) Okay.
Is it 30 to the left, or 30 to the right?
(audience laughing)
Your mother's birthday?
Why the fuck would I know your fuckin' mother's birthday?
Maybe if you didn't leave the window open
because it's too hot in here,
we wouldn't be gettin' fuckin' murdered right.
(audience laughing)
(soft funk music)