before you know it, people started bringing me...
Mexican racist gift baskets.
Now, when it first started happening-- Listen, guys, I’m not gonna lie.
It was actually kind of cute because it was only other Mexicans
bringing me these “Mexican racist gift baskets.”
It started in LA after a show.
This one guy walks up to me with a basket, and he’s like,
“Hey, what’s up, homey? Got you a racist gift basket.”
I said, “We’re the same race.” “Hey, whatever.” “All right, whatever.”
I take it backstage,
and all the items in the basket made it to my house.
There was a Mexican blanket with a tiger on it,
a bunch of bottles of Fanta, bottles of sangria,
Vicente Fernández CDs, Mexican candy,
pan dulce, sweet bread, mazapanes.
Everything made it to my house.
Now...
the more East Coast we started traveling
and the more Down South we started performing...
the more...
creative...
the gift baskets started getting.
Fast-forward to Mobile, Alabama.
[audience laughing, oohing]
Oh, it gets good.
Earlier tonight, before we kicked off this special,
my friend Martin was out here making a couple of announcements.
One of the announcements that he made was,
“If you brought a gift, please hold on to it until after the show.
Don’t bring it to the stage.
It could interrupt the flow of the performance.”
The only reason why he makes this announcement
every single night
is because of one show in Mobile.
So here’s what happens.
I tell the entire “Racist Gift Basket Story,”
the full 16 minutes, right?
As soon as I finish, a guy from the back of the theater
rushes the front of the stage.
Now keep in mind this area is full.
In Mobile the aisle was right up the middle.
So the guy had a clean shot to me.
He hauled ass like it was The Price Is Right all the way down.
[imitating motor revving]
Much like tonight, there was security there that night.
Security sees the guy with the basket, but no one thought to stop him.
All they did was, [Southern accent] “That’s pretty.”
“Oh, that’s nice. That’s pretty, yeah.”
So the guy makes it all the way to the front, takes the gift basket,
and he puts it on the stage.
Now he’s heckling me from where you’re sitting.
I’m standing here and he’s like, “Fluffy!”
“What’s up, dude?” [Southern accent] “I got this for you.”
Thank you.
“Open it.”
I go, “Sir, we’re in the middle of a show right now.”
I says, “I appreciate the gift. That’s very nice of you.
But how about this? I’ll open it after the show.”
“Oh, come on, Fluffy. I wanna see your face.”
“Sir, how about this?
How about you take the gift basket and bring it to the side where security’s at?
And I’ll have security escort you behind the curtain.
And then I’ll open it up backstage with you in front of me. How’s that?”
And he’s not taking no for an answer.
Now the problem is the crowd just saw me tell “The Racist Gift Basket Story,”
and all of a sudden there’s a guy with a gift basket.
They have no idea I’m not affiliated
with freakin’ Duck Dynasty in the front row.
So now I’m trying to defuse the situation before it gets crazy,
but he’s not taking no for an answer.
Next thing you know, he does something no other audience member has ever done
in my 19-plus years as a comedian.
He takes the whole crowd away from me, flips ’em, and then uses ’em on me...
in five seconds.
It was the most amazing, horrific thing I have ever witnessed.
This is all he did:
[Southern accent] “Come on, Fluffy!
We wanna see your face!
We wanna see your face! We wanna see your--”
He gets 2,000 people behind him to start chanting.
[whispering loudly] “We wanna see your face.
We wanna see your face.”
It was very evident this was not the first rally he’s ever led.
The crowd is so loud,
I can no longer hear myself over the monitor.
So I’m like-- I lost. So I get on my hands and knees.
I put the microphone down, I grab the gift basket,
and I start tearing it open.
I reach in.
Forget about pulling out Mexican soda, Mexican candy or a Mexican blanket.
This dude was a pro.
I started pulling out gardening tools.
I’m pulling out a rake, a toy shovel, a toy leaf blower.
[Southern accent] “Dig deeper, Fluffy! Dig deeper!”
I pull out a soccer ball. I go, “Dude, it says Puerto Rico.”
“They ran out of Mexico.”
I pull out a brick. I go, “What’s the brick for?”
“The wall.”
I pull out an actual application for US citizenship.
[audience gasping]
I said, “There’s no way this can get any worse.”
“Dig deeper!”
I was wrong.
I pull out an old-school box of Crayola Crayons.
You know, the 64-pack that has a sharpener in the back?
-[cheering] -Okay.
There’s a window on the front of the crayons
so you can see all of the colors that are in the box.
All of the crayons in the box are brown
except for one white crayon right in the middle.
And I said, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
And he looks at me and he says, “Welcome to my world.”
The crowd is laughing so hard,
I know for a fact I don’t have a joke that’s gonna follow that.
So I made it seem like that was the end of my performance.
I picked up the gift basket. I said, “Thank you, Mobile!”
[imitates audience cheering]
And I gave the guy a dirty look. “Motherfucker!”