- So let's talk about sex, shall we?
And specifically how men view sex
when dating and in a relationship.
I consider myself a sex positive person,
which is really the idea that as adults
we should have the right
to be able to experience and learn and explore sex
in a way where we're not shamed or we're not judged,
but really in a way of a full experience.
The reason this particular topic matters
is because where the most pain occurs in relationships
is when you're not on the same page.
You assume things,
that he wants something that he doesn't really want,
or he assumes that you want something
that you don't really want,
and that miscommunication, that assumption,
can lead to disconnection and pain in the relationship.
And so the more that we can have an open conversation,
when the time is right in that dating process,
you have an open conversation about sex,
about what you want, about expectations,
the more it can put you two on the same page and on the path
of having a really great experience together.
And so I'm gonna unpack really two different camps
or really two phases that men experience
when it comes to sex,
and the first phase,
and these don't actually come in any particular order.
And in fact, it's not like when you leave one
you stay forever in the other.
Sometimes they can switch and move.
But one phase primarily is where sex
really is just a fun activity.
It's pleasurable, it's enjoyable, it's a whole lot of fun,
but it doesn't mean anything other than the act of sex.
And so for this guy, he's not interested in a relationship.
This is the guy who, he's super attracted to you,
you could have fun, you could have an amazing date,
you could be talking, you could be laughing.
He wants to go home with you, he wants to sleep with you.
But where things get awry, things go problematic,
is where you interpret his affection and his interest
as his sincere desire to see you beyond that one night,
because those two things don't equate
when a guy is in phase one.
He really just wants to have fun that night.
And in fact, for certain women at points in their lives,
this is super healthy and stimulating for them.
I coach women where,
you ever seen that movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"?
There are women who, in fact, recently, a woman was like,
"Look, I haven't been with a man in years.
I divorced my husband and I've been raising my kids,
and I really haven't been back in the game."
She was like, "I don't really want
a committed relationship right now, I just wanna have fun."
And so this younger, super sexy guy approached her,
and she was like, "Is it bad? Should I..."
I was like, "Hey, what would you love?"
She was like, "I'd love just to kind of
have fun with this guy and to experience things."
And so she did.
She gave herself the freedom
to just have this like sexual romance with this guy,
and they hooked up a few times and it was nothing more
and it was totally up front, consensual adults,
and it was awesome,
and she came back and she was like a changed woman.
Like, you could see her.
She was unleashed, she was like,
"Stella got her groove back, if you know what I mean."
Like, she really came alive
and it opened up a part of herself
that had been really shut down in the past.
It opened up that feminine side of herself
that she had shut down,
and then she was able to say goodbye to that guy
and they went on their separate ways
and she went on to attract a beautiful partnership.
But that phase was super important for her.
So phase one can be a really, really great thing,
and you wanna know where your man is because again,
the challenge becomes is if you associate,
if you're the type of person who, when you have sex,
you get attached, you get emotionally involved,
and you're with someone
who isn't getting emotionally involved,
that's where feelings can really get hurt.
And this is what brings us to phase number two.
Phase number two is men viewing sex as an act of love.
And there are three reasons that this is,
and I'm gonna share with you those
because it'll help you really understand
on a soul-ular level, if you will,
how important the act of sex is
when a man is in love with you
and he's in that relationship.
So the first is men view sex as connection,
is that some men,
the way they feel connected to you emotionally
is through the act of sex.
Like, that's how they feel.
They feel their heart open the most
when they're in that love making process with you.
It's like they're able to finally turn off the world,
turn everything down,
and just be in their bodies and be with you.
And that's one of the ways they feel most connected to you.
And this guy will often feel the most turned on
in that sexual experience when you're turned on,
because he's wanting to give to you.
And so the more turned on and more heightened you get,
that turns him on and there's this upward spiral
of turn on and connection
that happens through the act of sex.
The second reason that sex is this form of love for men
is that sex is acceptance.
Think about this.
When you're having sex and you receive him,
that experience can be healing, it can be powerful,
it can be transformative for your man.
And this brings me right to the third reason
that sex is love for a man,
because for a man, sex is home.
Sex is home.
Sex is his place of warmth and support and safety and love.
When he is out there battling the world
and he's getting banged up and bruised up
and he's getting rejected and things are struggling
and he's got this and that
and the two of you are able to come together
and enjoy love making together,
it's this place of of beauty and warmth and home for him.
And that is an expression of love.
And so again, two phases that we're in.
One phase is where sex is more of just a fun activity,
pleasurable with no emotional connection.
The other for men is where sex is love.
It is the opposite of no emotional connection.
It is deep, meaningful connection for him.
So the question is, where are you in your love life?
Are you in a phase one
where sex is just kind of fun and casual right now?
Or are you in phase two
where it's meaningful, it's an act of love,
and it's something deep for you?
Go ahead and share where you are in your love life
and what does sex mean to you in the comments below.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching, and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)