Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is looking at Trauma Bonding. Now recently I've
had a lot of questions about trauma bonding which I don't think I could answer in the one video.
So today I'm just going to give a brief outline of what trauma bonding is, but then I'm going to
look at some of the common signs of being trauma bonded. In future videos I'm going to look at
the stages of trauma bonding, how it happens. I'm going to look at the impact of trauma bonding and
lastly, a look at ways of breaking free from being trauma bonded. So if you like this video if you
find it interesting or helpful, do please consider subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder,
this video is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for support from a
mental health professional. Now trauma bonding is not necessarily the same as
Stockholm Syndrome. There are similarities but that term isn't really used anymore. It doesn't
really cover the many different situations and relationships in which trauma bonding can occur.
Nor does it really cover the many different ways in which it can manifest. The term trauma bonding
was first coined by Patrick Carnes back in 1997 in his presentation Trauma bonds - why people
bond to those that hurt them. He described it as an emotional but dysfunctional attachment
that occurs in the presence of danger, shame or exploitation , and yes, it often develops in
relationships that are coercive and abusive. It's a form of psychological conditioning which often
involves both positive and negative reinforcement. Tends to take place in relationships where there
is a one sided power balance that is being exploited. The abused person fears ending
the relationship or trying to end the abuse, or finds redressing that power imbalance to be
either terrifying or impossible. And that relationship, now that could be with a husband,
with a wife, with a partner. It could be with a parent, with adult children even, it could
be with a family member. It could take place in a cult, the workplace or in an organisation
even. But for today I'm just going to focus on being trauma bonded to another person, whether
that's a partner or family member or whoever. And I would like to point out that being trauma bonded
to an abusive person by no means, by no stretch of the imagination does it make someone weak.
It can happen over a long period of time, or it can happen quite quickly.
Either way, it tends to be quite insidious. It tends to happen quite insidiously.
In fact, many people who are in trauma bonded relationships who seek help, seek support from
either professional organisations or, or present in therapy, they tend to be quite highly capable,
intelligent people. They don't necessarily need help or support in other areas of their life.
And also, many people might know exactly what's going on, even if they don't have a name for it,
but they feel helpless to do anything. Let's look at some of the common signs and being trauma
bonded and in no particular order, the first one would be constantly worrying that you might do
something that will upset them. Now some people describe this as like walking on egg shells, but
I would liken it to more like being afraid that you're on a minefield. Afraid of where to take
your next step, fearful of the next explosion. And this can lead people to compromise their values,
their self worth, their self respect even their own sense of agency. Putting the abusers demands
above their own needs, even sometimes apologising for things they haven't even done. Secondly,
you might know there are no good for you. They lie, deceive, are abusive, and secretly
you might even resent them for the way they behave but it's hard to let go. It's hard
to leave. Every now and then, there may be little crumbs of attention, affection, and this would be,
remember the positive reinforcement? So despite the abuse, those occasional little titbits of
love and attention might feel good to the point where it can make people forget the abuse,
even if it's just for a moment. And that emotional rollercoaster can be something
like an addiction. You know, putting up with the lows in order to try and get the highs.
Some cases, some people may be so starved of love, affection, even acceptance,
the desire for it from the abuser is so strong they will do almost anything, put up with a lot
in the hope of getting it. Those little titbits, those crumbs, they keep the person hooked . Maybe
this time will be different. Maybe this time will be better. Maybe this time it'll last forever.
Sign number three, you try to protect them. Now some people develop a loyalty to their abuser.
They may accept responsibility for the bad things that happen in their abusers life,
their past traumas, their current difficulties, and try to fix and rescue them. When others point
out their bad behaviour or voice their concerns they either ignore it, play it down,
pretend they don't know what you're talking about it, or trying to defend them. In some cases,
they may even make up excuses for the abuser to themselves. It's not their fault it was
their horrible upbringing. It's not their fault, it's their illness, their addiction or condition.
It's the fault of that horrible ex of theirs and on and on it goes. For want of a better term,
some people can be brainwashed so much that they actually believe that maybe they deserve
that kind of treatment. It was my fault, they didn't mean to. It was me that upset them. I was
being unreasonable. I communicated that badly. I can change them if I try harder. Sign number four,
in spite of getting little to nothing back except misery, pain and rejection. You do everything you
can to please them. Now some people will jump through hoops, they will compromise,
give in, back down in the hope of either getting a little bit of love in return or
at least to try and avoid the abuse. That person is so mean, they re cruel or selfish,
disagreeable, destructive, they re inflexible. But if I say no to them or I try to leave them,
then I am selfish. I'm the bad person. People are going to think badly of me . Again because
of that addictive cycle, always trying to get the highs and putting up the lows to get the highs,
always hoping for that positive reinforcement if you will, a little bit of love, a little bit
of affection, the first sign of remorse from the abusive person more often than not, trauma bonded
person will give them the benefit of the doubt and give them yet another chance. And yet, no matter
what someone does, no matter what sacrifices they make or whatever it is they contribute,
it will never be enough for the abusive person. Number five, you hide how you really feel,
hide your emotions. Now due to invalidation and devaluing, dehumanising,
people in trauma bonded relationships are often reluctant to show how they really feel.
If they're excited about something, they may hide it in case the abuser wrecks it somehow.
If they were afraid of something, they will hide it in case the abuser uses it to terrorise them
somehow. If they're embarrassed about something, they will hide it in case the abuser uses it to
shame and humiliate them. In fact, if they're happy, or even just feeling okay about something
and the abuser is sad, they hide their happiness. And lastly sign number six. It doesn't matter how
toxic, unhealthy, or awful the relationship is, the person feels trapped and helpless noise.
That could be for a myriad of reasons. There may be children involved, they may be financially
abused so they can't really afford to leave. They were once there was perhaps confidence
there is now self doubt. That person has been gaslit so much they feel so confused. They
have lost their sense of reality, lost their sense of agency. There is also, as I often say, about
narcissism, it can be both very vindictive and very destructive. It tends to destroy things from
the inside, and when it can no longer do that, it will try to destroy it from the outside. So
there can be a fear that if they were to leave the abuser, they might come after them, target them,
target those they love, target their resources. Make their lives even more of a misery. The abuser
could threaten to spread rumours, destroy that person's character, destroy that person's life.
In some cases, the abusive person may even threaten to harm themselves if that person
were to leave. Like I said earlier about that, cycle of positive and negative reinforcement,
approval and disapproval. Sometimes if it's not the need for affection,
love, then it's the fear of the disapproval, the fear of the wrath,
the consequences that keeps on person there keep some trapped. So that s a brief outline of trauma
bonding and some of the common signs of being trauma bonded. As always if there's anything
I've missed, anything you'd like to add, please feel free to use the comment box below, there
are some interesting conversations start around these videos. But like I said, there is so much
to cover on this topic I couldn't cover it all in with one video. So next time I'm going to look
at the stages of trauma bonding, how it actually happens. So until next time, thanks for watching.