Boomstick- Long-range weaponry are effective tools of destruction, but there's just something special about killing up close and personal with a blade.
Like Wolverine, the vicious anti-hero of the X-Men.
Wiz- And Raiden, the deadly cyborg ninja from Metal Gear.
Boomstick- He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz- And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Boomstick- Three scratches. Three claws. This is the mark of the Wolverine.
Wiz- But before he was the poster boy of the X-Men, he was born James Howlett in 1886.
Boomstick- And he was the wimpiest kid ever. He was tiny and pathetic and sick all the time, but little James wasn't stuck in bed for too long.
Wiz- As he grew up, James started to develop mutant powers, which gave him animal senses and rapid healing.
Wiz- But when the family groundskeeper Thomas Logan murdered his father, James learned he had a more lethal power hidden within.
Boomstick- Retractable bone claws! Old Thomas never knew what hit him, or more specifically what stabbed him to death.
Wiz- But Thomas used his dying breath for the oh-so-original plot twist: I'm your father.
Boomstick- He went from two dads to zero in a manner of seconds. Anyway, James took on the name Logan to poorly hide his identity and ran away from home with his childhood friend Rose, but then he accidentally stabbed her to death too!
Damn, those things seem really inconvenient. Like a murder erection. Always popping up when you least expect it.
Wiz- You should probably see a doctor.
With his healing ability slowing his aging, Logan has lived over 100 years. He fought in both World Wars and Vietnam before joining a special weapons project called Weapon X.
This is where he took the name: the Wolverine.
Boomstick- Buut, like almost every other secret project ever, it was actually yet another horrifying super soldier project.
Whilst there, Wolverine enjoyed such treatment as being cut open repeatedly, having his DNA harvested, and getting his skeleton a pimped out chrome job.
Wiz- Against Logan's will, a scientist named Dr. Cornelius infused his bones with Adamantium, a rare, man made metal alloy.
Adamantium is extremely dense and stable on a molecular level, making it reportedly indestructible. Even Thor has a hard time breaking it!
Boomstick- And Dr. Scientist also hypnotised Wolverine to erase his memories and turn him into an animalistic killing machine.
The result? Well, Wolverine went crazy and slaughtered everyone at Weapon X, so I guess you could say the experiment turned out to be a complete success. Good job, everybody!
Wiz- After wandering the wilderness and tangling with The Hulk, Wolverine was eventually discovered by the X-Men, who molded him into a real hero.
Logan had finally found a place to call home, and a family he did not stab to death.
Boomstick- Old Wolvie's got more mutant powers than Kim Kardashian has butt injections.
He has keen, animal-like senses and expert tracking skills, can move faster than the eye can see and can lift up to two tonnes.
His Adamantium claws can cut through almost anything, and conveniently he never has to sharpen them.
He's immune to disease, can resist mind control and can fight for days without tiring.
Oh, and for some reason he can sense animals' feelings and talk to them, like some sort of bear whisperer.
Wiz- He's equal in hand-to-hand combat with Captain America, and was skilled enough to tag Speed Demon, who runs faster than the speed of sound.
Boomstick- Despite all of this, his greatest attribute is his sheer durability. He's like super Rocky!
Wiz- Wolverine has survived hits from Thor and the Hulkbuster, battled with Satan himself, and was once blown up with nothing left but his Adamantium Skeleton.
Boomstick- Think that stopped him? Hell no! He got back up and beat the ever-loving shit out the emo Bomberman who blew him up in the first place.
Jesus christ, can anything stop this guy?!
Wiz- Well, technically he HAS died a few times. He even used to have a deal with the Angel of Death to be ressurected should his healing factor ever be overtaxed. But eventually he gave it up in exchange for a soul. Yeah, this actually happened.
However, according to Professor Xavier, leader of the X-Men, Wolverine's healing factor stems from his brain.
Eh? Get it? Stem? Like brain stem?
Boomstick- Wiz, I'M the funny one. Just stick to being boring.
Wiz- Aw.
Aaanyway, this means Wolverine can be killed by drowning or destroying his brain.
But seeing as his brain is protected by a thick adamantium skull, it's probably staying where it is.
Still, there's a reason why Logan keeps getting into bad situations like these.
He's a lone wolf and doesn't like relying on others.
Boomstick- And he's got a bit of a temper.
Wolverine- Tell Cyclops I made him a convertible.
Boomstick- Piss him off too much, something snaps and Wolverine will enter the Berserker Rage.
Wiz- In this state, Wolverine loses all self-control and ignores all pain, as he is consumed by the animalistic killer instinct instilled deep within him by Dr. Cornelius all those years ago.
Beast- By stars...
Wiz- Born in Liberia, a young boy named Jack lost his parents and was adopted by George Sears, the future president of the United States.
Boomstick- Which sounds like a pretty good upside considering, except Sears was actually Solidus Snake, a traitor who manipulated world leaders to profit from the war economy.
Oh, and the fact that he killed Jack's parents! I'M your dad now!
Wiz- Being the perfect parent he is, Solidus enlisted Jack in the Liberian Civil War, where he became captain of his own commando unit in the Army of the Devil.
Boomstick- IT'S AN ARMY OF-
Wiz- It's not an ACTUAL army of Devils.
Boomstick- Aw! Damn it!
Wiz- A natural harbringer of death, Jack's high kill count earned him the nickname Jack The Ripper.
He accomplished all of this when he was only ten years old.
Boomstick- Oh my god, could you imagine this kid during puberty? If it ever even hits. I mean, even ten years later he still looks like he's waiting for the old stones to drop.
Wiz- Well, they had to some time. After being abandoned by Solidus, Jack fell for a girl named Rose, and eventually got her pregnant.
Boomstick- Jack was tormented by his past life and sought to right his wrongs by joining a special task force.
With them, he teamed up with the legendary Solid Snake to take down some bad guys, destroy giant robots, go streaking, and even kill dear old foster dad.
All under his awesome new code name: Raiden.
Wiz- Except all along he was actually being controlled by The Patriots, A secret organization manipulating the US from behind the scenes and bent on dominating the world.
Boomstick- Yeah, okay, hang onto your butts, because this is where things start getting out of hand.
See, his girlfriend Rose was actually a Patriot Spy and was manipulating his life the entire time they were together.
*Sigh* Women, right?
But she was all like "My bad, I love you!" and he was like "It's 'kay, let me put my dick in you." Then they had a kid.
Wiz- Well, first she actually said she had a miscarriage and married another man to trick Raiden but it was actually to trick the Patriots...
Boomstick- Wiz, please! The story is confusing enough without bringing that into this! Eventually they got back together and had a kid.
Can we please go back to talking about killing people now?
Wiz- Sure!
One day, he was captured by The Patriots and used as a test subject for exoskeletal enhancement surgery, transforming him into a superhuman cyborg ninja.
Boomstick- THAT's what I'm talking about!
Wiz- As a cyborg, Raiden went from a force to be reckoned with to a nigh-unstoppable killing machine.
He is fast enough to outrun bullet trains and even run on walls.
Boomstick- And he can do shit like this:
Vamp- You too, immortal?
Raiden- No. I just don't fear death.
(RULES OF NATURE!)
Boomstick- Heh heh. Drugs must be fun.
Wiz- That's not even the half of it.
Raiden is strong enough to lift and throw a Metal Gear RAY.
While a RAY's exact weight is unknown, when compared to a Metal Gear REX which weights 557 tons, we can estimate its weight to be over one thousand tons.
Boomstick- And that wasn't even his final form!
Wiz- Right. Raiden eventually got a newer, better cyborg body, which was even more powerful!
Boomstick- Strong enough to flip this giant thing, rip off its building sized sword and then fight a duel with it.
And finish it off at blinding speed! I mean what in the actual hell?!
Wiz- When he's not wielding building-sized blades, Raiden wields a high frequency blade called the Murasama.
Originally forged in the 16th century, the Murasama was re-outfitted with High Frequency Technology.
By creating a powerful current through the blade that vibrates at intense speeds, it weakens it's target's molecular bonds, forcibly slicing through almost anything.
And if that's not deadly enough for you, Raiden can activate a super mode called Zandatsu!
This causes Raiden's perception of time to slow anywhere from 50 to 90 percent, giving him plenty of time to chop through his foes as precisely or as rapidly as he'd like.
Wiz- He can take this a step further by deactivating his pain inhibitors.
Allowing intense agony from wounds to envelop his senses causes him to lose himself in his old 'Jack the Ripper' personality.
This 'Ripper Mode' radically boosts his already insane speed and strength.
Raiden- Who's next?
Boomstick- But it comes at a price. Y'know, aside from the whole pain and sanity thing.
These enhanced modes rely on a fuel supply and using them burns through it at a rapid pace.
Wiz- Raiden can only carry enough fuel to sustain these modes for a very limited time, and relies on absorbing more fuel cell electrolytes from enemy cyborgs.
Plus, his blood is not natural, and must be changed regularly, like the oil in a car.
Boomstick- But still...
Raiden- I am lightning. The rain transformed.
Boomstick- Worth it.
Wiz- Alright, the combatants are set! Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick- It's time for a Death Battle!
Raiden- Who the hell are you? Get outta my way!
Wolverine- Fat chance, bub.
You're next!
FIGHT!
Raiden- What?
Who... what are you?
Wolverine- Gotta admit, that hurt.
Nice trick, Voltron! I'm actually more human than you.
And that's saying something.
Raiden- Let's dance!
Wolverine- No use hiding, bub.
The nose knows.
You're done, bub!
Raiden- What?!
I will end you!
Are you some kind of cyborg?
Wolverine- Well, my bones are covered in the strongest metal around.
Does that count?
Raiden- I'll just have to swing harder, then!
Wolverine- Taste adamantium!
Ouch...
Alright, Terminator.
Now you've got me MAD!
Raiden- Shit! Not again!
Wolverine- Goodnight, Robocop!
Raiden- Pain! THIS is why i fight!
It's time for Jack the Ripper to let 'er rip!
K.O!
Boomstick- Oh my god...
Wiz- Because of Wolverine's Adamantium Skeleton and stubborn healing factor, he was able to hang in there despite Raiden's clearly superior speed and strength.
Boomstick- He could have even kept it up until Raiden ran out of fuel, if it weren't for one important question:
"Could the High Frequency Blade cut Adamantium?"
Wiz- To answer this, we dug deep into Marvel Comics' history and found Misty Knight, a lesser known Marvel Heroine with a bionic arm made of Antarctic Vibranium.
This 'Anti-Metal' emanates vibrations, which weakens its target's molecular bonds... exactly like Raiden's high frequency blade.
Like the Murasama, this can destabilize and break any metal... INCLUDING Adamantium.
Boomstick- And while in Jack the Ripper mode, Raiden can strike with enough force to cut through buildings and machines built to survive nuclear wars.
Wiz- With THAT much strength behind a sword like THAT, plus Raiden's speed and technology advantage, Wolverine's supposedly indestructible skeleton met its match.
Boomstick- Any way you slice it, Raiden just had the right gear for the job.
Wiz- The winner is Raiden.
Boomstick- Next time on Death Battle!
Announcer: Welcome everyone, to today's extravaganza!
Well, here he is! Worldwide Martial Arts Champion! Hercule Satan!
Master Roshi- That's just sad.
Chi-Chi- It sure is. Somebody could've used that bus.