*wa-pssh!*
Top o' the mornin' to ya, laddies!
My name is Jacksepticeye, and welcome back to Ultimate Epic Battle Sim-u-la-tor!
So there's some stuff in this game that I didn't even really know existed.
Hey! This is perfect!
This is a good start to this! I want you guys like this, except I want you to be 1.5 as well.
There we go. Everybody's happy. Are you happy? You better be!
We got some skeleton warriors vs. some footmen.
That isn't the part that's amazing. That's whatever. The skeleton warriors ARE new...
...Are they?
I can't remember what update they actually came in. Well, they're new to me because I haven't really tried them out all that much.
So I'm gonna put them up against footmen.
But there are some god powers in this game.
Well, we already knew about the nuke.
We already knew that we could set off that and mess everybody's day up and really have a terrible time.
And that's awesome! I love that! That makes me happy!
But apparently, there's something else we can do. Yeah, see at the bottom it says press N to use the god power. Nuke!
But now we have two!
Which means we have wind! Do we have any more? No. So we have god power of wind. Can I actually blow you guys around?
I pressed it and nothing happened. Oh, I can hold it.
Oh yeah! Yeah! (laughs)
Go, my fellows! (laughs)
Oh, you can really mess them up!
Oh yeah, this is a good battle.'
This is a good one right here!
Because everybody- Well, everybody got kinda blown around. Can I just blow from down here?
(laughs) Yay! Look at them go!
Oh my god, you can really blow them away! (laughs)
And then these guys just fill in the gaps!
So are you guys just all over here now?
Oh my god. What happens if you just blow directly down?
Oh my god, that's awesome!
You can really just blow shit around!
And leave a big gap in the middle and everybody just floods back into the gap! That's amazing!
You guys are almost evenly matched as well.
Skeleton warriors have more kills, but...
That might just be because I've blown a bunch of shit. Okay.
You guys are too far outside that battle. I'm gonna help you guys get stuck in, okay?
There you go, lads!
Get stuck in! (laughs)
Oh my god, that's so much better than the nuke!
Fuck yeah!
Did that actually get any of you closer to the battle?
Maybe. Wonder if we can blow some of you across the border?
There we go. There we go.
There we go! (laughs)
Oh my god, I killed them!
Oh, maybe that's why!
Okay, I need to start balancing shit out. I need to kill a bunch of these.
Whoosh!
There we go. Did that balance it? Kind of. 200 more needs to die.
A-whoosh!
(laughs) Don't fucking mess with God!
God don't dick around!
Okay there's still- Oh, wait.
Aah... Okay, my bad. I was looking at how many were killed.
I should be looking at how many are remaining. There's a lot more footmans remaining.
Let's just see how this plays out.
Okay, I want to do something amazing. I'm just gonna go down this line...
...like this. And just blow people away!
Oh my fucking Jesus. (epic music plays in game)
That's the best power!
Okay, there's a lot more footmen remaining. I need to even out the battlefield. 'Scuse me!
Vacuum coming through!
There we go. (laughs) What's going on over here?
What's wrong with you? Are you guys all just-
They're all just piled up on each other now. I kinda fucked it up.
That's a very wavy line going on.
I like that you can just see the piles of bodies that I flung up into the air. (laughs)
Oh, too much fun!
Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
Oh, I killed way too many of the fucking skeletons.
Whoosh!
You can really disperse the battlefie- What the fuck, dude!?
Are you okay!? Do you need assistance!?
Okay, let's see if I can actually fix his shit.
No?
He's just stuck there forever. Well, I guess we know who's gonna win this fight, then.
By default, the sold- Oh no, the can't really win. It's gonna be a draw, because no one will be able to get to him.
Well, fuck, man.
These wind powers just fuck everybody up!
Look at this guy! Whoa-ow! There's another one over there, floating. There's another one here.
There another guy all the way out here!
How did you end up out here?
Were you just out smelling flowers?
Can I blow you back?
Nope. That don't work.
I can blow them, but I don't think I can actually get them back into the battle. Maybe I can kill them.
Can I kill you?
Who's winning? Oh, there's only 17 skeletons left.
I need to start balancing things out! Whoosh!
Oh, now there's only one skeleton left. Oops. (laughs)
My bad!
That's a fucking disastrous battlefield.
If you look closely and squint very hard, it's a dog!
(dramatically) All over the battlefield, the men cowered in fear...
They knew they had the most fearsome of warriors to fight today...
Those warriors... being...
(humorously) ...all those chickens!
I can't use god powers here, can I? Oh, I can!
Oh, I can, though!
Oh, I can! Oh, it just breaks them!
Oh my god, that's horrifying-looking!
They just sit in the air!
I made a cavern out of chickens!
What happens when I start the battle?
Oh, they all died.
They all just straight up died. Oops.
Well, there was 20,000 of you anyway. There's only 10,000 of these.
You guys good? This isn't gonna be an amazing battle, but what I want to do is just dick around with more wind.
Wheeee! Go, chickens!!!
I think I'm killing several hundred thousand of them.
Ohhhhhh, my bad.
They're still fine, though! You just sweep out a bunch of them, and they're all good!
You know what should be added to this game?
If you're gonna go that route and start adding god powers like that, add in like, tornadoes.
Or like, a flood.
That'd be so cool. You just stick a tornado down in the middle of them.
That'd be awesome!
Let's do this.
Whoa-hohoho. Oh-hohohohoho. Ohohoho-no. Ohohoho!
Did someone ask for fried chicken?
Oh, no!
You guys are all fine, though.
Never mind.
Oh my god, they DO go flying!
That was the thing I tried to do last time and it didn't work!
Let's- oh, let's dick with this a little.
I'm thinking this should be enough.
There's 5,000 skeletons and 5,000 of these guys.
So it should be enough... I'm just putting a nuke right in the bang center of these guys, and I want to see them go flying.
Like go screaming through the air. Okay, a bit faster now...
There you go.
Everybody's much faster now. (Japanese accent) This is an epiku batteru!
Except you guys are getting fucked up by tree stumps.
Yeah! Start fighting! Kill each other! Kill them all!
Oh, computer, do not crash and hang on me.
Okay, so I need more of you to get into the middle. I need this to really pile up.
Oh, that's cool to see the patterns that form!
It's almost identical on either side.
That's so cool!
Okay, well, I'm bored.
(big laugh) Oh, yes!!
Yes!! That was amazing!!
That's exactly what I wanted, to just see them go BOOM!
Oh my god, look at that pattern.
It's almost IDENTICAL either side.
Because the ones who died don't go flying, it's just all the ones in the epicenter.
That's fascinating to look at!
I love this game!
Something else I wanted to try, because somebody told me it works that way...
...is the Soul Tyrant- actually, maybe we should make a stronger Soul Tyrant.
Oh, I can't.
Right? You can't actually increase...? Damn.
You can't increase the heroes.
They're stuck at what they are.
But somebody told me that the Soul Tyrant sends people flying as well.
And let's bring this down to 1,000. Because I don't need that many for this.
Like when he swings, he should send people flying. I wanna see this.
That's my favorite thing about this game, is when you see like, just chunks of dudes go flying off into the air.
Exactly like the start of Lord of the Rings.
When Sauron comes in and starts beating the shit out of people.
Baytins!
I hope you guys are ready. I hope those are Captain America shields you got.
Because the Soul Tyrant's gonna mess your shit up.
I don't know where he is.
Okay, you guys can start.
Make your way down. I'm sure he's down here somewhere.
Where's my Soul T? There he is. He was hidden behind a tree.
(Soul Tyrant growls)
You ready to kick the shit out of everybody?
Let's right-click to possess.
He only has 7,000 health, though. Why are they all red in the distance?
Ooh!
Oooohhh, I can fucking do a whole bunch of shit!
There's commands!
Okay, we're gonna leave you to your own devices because I wanna see this shit play out.
I wanna see what really happens. Please send them flying.
Oh, yes!
Oh, you do not attack half fast enough, though.
Start smacking people! Yes!
Fuck 'em up!
Oh, you're way too slow!
You're gonna fucking die, dude!
That's awesome.
Okay, you need some help! He needs some help!
Whoosh! Whoosh!
He's fucking dead. He's fucking dead.
Fine. Fine. Can I blow you guys all up into the air?
Nope. (laughs)
I wanna see if I can juggle them.
Oh, there you go! (laughs)
Some of them bounce! Yes!
Oh, did they die all the way over here? Fucking hell, you went far!
That's awesome! God!
We need more games like this!
Where you can just get in and fuck people up!
Wheeee!
(laughs)
Oh, I love it so much.
I wanna do something cool. I'm gonna put...
...a bunch of soldiers right in the middle of town.
A bunch of like, footmen. But they're swords and shields. 1,000 of them.
Then we're going to have a bunch of zombies on this bridge.
These are the runner zombies.
And then right behind them- or in front of them, I guess...
...are going to be the regular zombies.
And we're gonna play out like 28 Days Later, or something like that. Even though we have dudes with fucking swords.
Which isn't how that movie went, but this is a different kind of zombie apocalypse.
This is a medieval zombie apocalypse. They had the plague back then, as well.
Lots of shit happened there.
Okay, I'm curious to see how the zombies actually lay in this land, because...
Where are they?
O-o-okay, that works!
Runner zombies! Are you guys ready? Say (death growl) if you are!
(silence)
You're not really saying anything. I wonder how fast the runner zombies actually are, though.
This is gonna be cool!
Oh yes!
Look at them go! They're so fast!
Wonder what happens when they get to these guys, though. Do you go around? Do you go through?
I don't think you can go through.
Okay, you're halting progress.
You're holding up what needs to happen, but that's fine.
Because the front guys are just cannon fodder, and this is like the cavalry coming in the background. The zombie cavalry!
I don't know what these guys are doing, though. They're all gonna die very fucking quickly.
Because what's also gonna happen is the zombies' spreadification, is gonna happen.
Get 'im. Get 'im.
Wait. They're not turning into zombies.
Why?
Well, that's lame!
I need you guys to turn into zombies and start attacking your own people! They're just dying!
Maybe because they're soldiers.
Oh, yes. Fuck 'em up!
Kick their asses!
I'm rooting for the zombies on this one. The zombies are cooler.
Yeah, the zombies are absolutely destroying them.
But I don't know if any of them are turning. No, they're just dying.
(singing) All around me are familiar faces...
Worn out faces... (laughs)
(speaking) Aw, look!
Loves DOES bloom on the battlefield.!
Even looks like he has his arm around him!
And the guy on the bottom right looks like he's going, "Rawr~" (laughs)
Are you guys winning? Oh, yes, you are.
Mother of Christ.
It's not even close.
It's like, "Uh, is this the way to the Black Friday sale?"
"I heard they have half-off plasma TV's."
"I want a plasma TV!"
You shouldn't get a plasma TV. They suck.
I'm bored. Everybody up. I'm bored.
There you go. There you go.
(laughs)
Dude, you got fucked!
Oh, no!
"Ugh... Just leave me here. I'll die like Jesús."
Oh, I want to do that again. Can we send some more flying?
Wheeee! Go, dudes!
Please bounce! (laughs)
Oh, when they go flying through the air, that's the best!
You guys all look super comfy, though.
See you later, fuckos!
(laughs)
Oh, I love it so much.
I love derpy physics! They're the fucking best!
Where would we ever be in video games without them?
It's so good! (laughs)
Oh my god, you can just keep them up in the air.
They're just going forever!
Oh, I wonder I wonder.
I wonder if I could...
Yes... Yes...
I wanna put them ALL up in the air.
Aw, you don't go any higher than that? Fuck...
That would've been awesome. Wait, maybe this is high enough. Maybe this is high enough to kill you all.
I have no idea. Some of you went higher than others. I don't know why.
Is that rally as high as you're gonna go? Fuck.
Okay, well, that's that side done. Where's the others?
I wanna do the zombies, too.
Aw, you guys are gonna get messed up because of the bridge.
Damn it.
Well, who knows. It might still be high enough for you guys to get messed up.
All I want to see happen is that everyone starts the round and everyone dies.
This is gonna be good. Well, some of them are just gonna land on the bridge. Okay, go!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, THAT WAS AMAZING!
The footmen are victorious? Why?
There's apparently 400 of them left. Oh, look!
Hey there!
That was so fucking cool! They just went flying!
Well, that does it for this episode of Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator!
I am not even close to done with fucking with this.
Because this is gold.
This is amazing. I hope they add in more powers. I want tornadoes.
I want floods. Well, floods are hard to do because water physics.
But I just want so much more.
The fact that they all just blasted away like that, that's what the real shit is about!
Watching them fight is cool and all, but mad, wacky physics is even better!
I want to see people on the moon!
But thank you guys so much for watching this episode!
If you liked it...
...punch that like button in the face LIKE A BOSS!
And high fives all around!
*wa-pssh!* *wa-pssh!*
But thank you guys and I will see all you dudes...
...IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!
*outro music*
(Japanese accent) Oh, the music is so epiku!