Chuffing chuffing chuffing home.
STEPNEY Hello, what’s this? No coal? Oh dear, maybe
Santa’s taken it all to give to bad people.
WORKER That’s not true, otherwise I’d have tonnes
of the stuff.
STEPNEY Oh? Dare I ask why?
WORKER I wouldn’t dare if I were you.
STEPNEY Okay, that’s fin-
WORKER I showed my kids the Thomas reboot… *sniffs*
Now they never want to go near a train again in case it starts walking.
STEPNEY Oh no. Anyway. Why is there no coal then?
I need to get home.
WORKER Nah, coal ain’t being mined in the UK no
more. Not eco friendly. You’ll have to get it imported from other countries.
STEPNEY That doesn’t sound very eco friendly.
WORKER You can talk.
STEPNEY I can. Don’t let your kids know.
WORKER Too soon.
STEPNEY Nevermind, perhaps if I keep a low fire I
can make it back. I’ll need to top up on water though.
WORKER Can’t do that. Climate change. Not had rain
for weeks so the water tower’s empty.
STEPNEY These are certainly very real problems that
shouldn’t be ignored just because we’re talking about them in such a humorous fashion,
but it doesn’t help my situation.
WORKER Too true man. We need to stop climate change
before it stops us.
STEPNEY Poetic. Well, in the meantime I suppose I
could be taken home by road-
WORKER Can’t do that.
STEPNEY Why not?!
WORKER No lorry drivers.
You’ll just have to stay here. I’m off home. Promised the kids I’d take them to
see Cars the musical. Ta’ra.
STEPNEY Oh dear. Nevermind. Even in the worst situation
ever, it won’t last forever.
STEPNEY This is fine. I’m just surprised it’s
not snowing! It’s Christmas! It always snows at Christmas, no matter where you are in the
world. I’ve seen the films, there’s always snow, no matter what the climate. It’s impossible
it’s ever not snowing. I’m sorry Australia, Christmas equals snow. It’s tradition. (.) Except
in Die Hard.
STEPNEY Whoops. Gasp! What’s that?
BERTIE Oohh! Where did all this snow come from? Oo-eeer,
watch out! Aahh!
STEPNEY I hope he’s alright.
BERTIE (Very much in pain) I’m not alright.
STEPNEY Phew! I thought that light was a premonition
or something… A supernatural entity carried on the airs of wisdom. A spooky gh-
GHOST Ghost?
STEPNEY Ahh! Gasp! A ghost!
GHOST (All whimsical and eerie). That’s right,
woooo, for I am the Ghost of Christmas.
STEPNEY ...The Ghost of Christmas…?
GHOST Present. (Said like a register)
STEPNEY No, like the Ghost of Christmas what? Are you Past?
GHOST 2 GCSE’s, yes. Ghost Certificate of Spooky
Education from Spoopy Academy. Wooo.
STEPNEY Okay, so why are you here?
GHOST I am the Ghost of Christmas All Times. Due
to lack of finance we had to combine the roles.
STEPNEY Is that why you’re a lump of coal?
GHOST I take the form of the material items you
seek most. You’ve been a very bad engine this year, haven’t you?
STEPNEY? Have I?
GHOST (Coughs and splutters) Sorry, coal dust. Hope
you don’t mind I’ll just drop the spooky voice. This year, I’ve heard you ghosted
another engine, whatever that means, whistled at a cat to scare it on purpose, and asked
for money from people whilst forcing them to watch adverts. Woooo.
STEPNEY Well, the last one is true, some of these
videos get pretty expensive to make please-check-out-the-description-for-my-Patreon. BUT I don’t remember the other things?
GHOST Come.
STEPNEY You what?
GHOST Let me show you. Let’s ariiiiiise!
STEPNEY Wow! Wait, it’s all on fire?
GHOST Always has been. Ever since the Industrial
Revolution anyway. And since it’s my role, let me tell you, a grim future it is indeed
if world leaders don’t get their act together.
STEPNEY And here I was thinking this year’s rewind
video wouldn’t be apocalyptic themed. But how does this link to what I’ve done this
year? I’ve just been stuck in a shed all year again, in real life anyway.
GHOST Let’s go back… Does this look familiar
to you?
STEPNEY Oh look! It’s me when I was younger. Aw I've got big cheeks.
Aw how young and innocent I was.
GHOST Do you regret how you’ve changed between
then and now?
STEPNEY The smokebox wing-plates were nice, and it
was nice to actually be… you know. Working. I’ve certainly travelled a long way since then.
GHOST That’s right *cough*
STEPNEY Take your time
And though you've derailed from time to time, with the miles you’ve travelled through life and the difficult encounters
you’ve faced, I’d say you’ve done very well to keep that innocent spark within you.
If you’d let day-to-day worries get the better of you, you would struggle to remember
the kindness that you were built with. For believing in goodness, even in the days when
you’ve sunk to your lowest: Stepney, I am proud of you.
STEPNEY (Sniffs as he sobs a little). Thank you. I
never thought I’d be given a wholesome pat on the back by a floating piece of coal. Wait…
am I? Is this? Am I… dead?
GHOST No… You’re not, but you’re right, this
is a bit weird. I was told specifically that there was a yellow engine on a siding that
had been extra naughty this year.
STEPNEY I still don’t like it when you say that…
GHOST My digital naughty and nice list is playing
up… I’ve checked it twice and all. Hhm, never trust buying anything with digital money.
Too cryptic for me for my liking. Unless it’s to support your favourite content creator, of course. Oops, sorry!
STEPNEY Ouch! That was right on the nose.
BERTIE Am I… I am! I’m alive! It’s a Christmas
miracle! Hooray for Bertie! They’ll have to call me Back-from-the-Busted Bus Stop Bus
Bertie from now on, I will make it to Tiny-Truck Tim’s Christmas Party after all! I- (Dead).
GHOST Ah! Here we go. This recap will show just
what sort of year you’ve had, so we can see just how good or bad you have been.
Roll the tape!
STEPNEY I don’t see how this is relevant, but okay.
POLICE Another incident of irresponsible driving.
Chief Inspector Skibbily-Bibble, we’ll need the Police tape.
POLICE What in the-
STEPNEY Those were some lovely memories. I’m very
fortunate for the life I have.
GHOST You as in, the YouTuber speaking through a
talking Hornby model, or you as in Stepney the talking steam engine?
STEPNEY Both. Both is good. Still, that montage just
proves I didn’t do those bad things you said.
You are double vaccinated right?
GHOST Hmm, maybe there’s another yellow engine
somewhere who I’m getting confused with…
DUNCAN Woah!
GHOST Oh not you again…
DUNCAN Waaaahhh it's a ghost.
POLICEMAN Excuse me sir, are you having a Christmas
party on these premises?
BORIS (Bumbling) No, there’s no Christmas party here. I have
been assured that there is no such thing.
POLICEMAN But that looks like a party table behind you,
what with the turkey and all that?
BORIS (Bumbling) Er, no, well you see, it was a Christmas buffet
but it isn’t anymore.
POLICEMAN I see. Well, bygones be bygones. We'll be gone. Goodbye.
BORIS (Bumbling) Er, yes and Merry Christmas, and stay indoors.
Now, where’s that pesky child of mine. Which one was it again…?
Boris come back!
TINY TRUCK TIM Oh No! Our Table! It's broken!
So?
TINY-TRUCK TIM Is Bertie Bus going to come back before I
do my speech?
SHOCK VAN AAH! I don’t know! Why are you asking me,
Tiny-Truck Tim? Er, is he? What if he doesn’t? Wahh.
TINY-TRUCK TIM Wots the matter?
SHOCK VAN I’m a shock van, okay? I don’t mean to-
Woah!! What was that?
TINY-TRUCK TIM Okay. Wot about you, miss, have you seen a
bus? He looks all Christmassy in red.
BREAK-VAN I don’t know, just leave me out of it, will you?
I'm just relaxing and chillaxing. You just do you man.
TINY-TRUCK TIM Okay. Why?
BREAK-VAN I just want a break, mate. Ask someone else.
CCT VAN I haven’t seen anything on the cameras.
I shall keep close surveillance on the situation. Oh look, there goes another ERTL Bluebell on eBay...
WELL WAGON I’m sure your friend will show up sooner
or later. Perhaps you should ask Pal Van, he has lots of friends who might help.
TINY-TRUCK TIM Thank you mista, but how are you-
WELL WAGON I’m very well, thank you! Throw us a coin
and I’ll make sure your wish for his well-being comes true.
SHOCK VAN What if he isn’t in trouble… but worse?
What if there there’s just no time to die?
GHOST Okay, who’s next on the list…
DIGITAL LIST To access your current savings… click here.
GHOST Aw stupid digital thing. Whoops!
WELL WAGON Wait, what the? AAAHHHHH.
TINY-TRUCK TIM Oh good, some pennies for my troubles. Well,
I wish Bertie makes a speedy recovery, and to
all the boys, girls, and all others wotching,
wots doing that.
I wish the Happiest of New Years and the faith to keep on smiling. Be proud of yourself,
but not full of yourself, and you’ll go far. Sweet dreams.
Driving home for Christmas.
This is why we're doing it live.
You see it's Municipal Coal Day.
I'll show you just what sort of yeearyou uggh.
I'm going to have to put subtitles on your bit!
I will have to make it to Tiny trus crim tis...
Oh god, I'm Stepney...
You're looking down at your body. OH GOD I'M STEPNEY.
Buffer hands. They've been quartered!
Undertruck! Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault?
So many times! You wouldn't believe.
There was this one time...
..at the signalbox.
The fish vans...
..they just exploded.
Bertie's not dead, long live the Bertie Revolution! Busses R Us!