I'm so glad I'm here.
Thanks for having me.
I almost didn't make it here.
I got, um, pulled over for extra security screening
at the airport.
I know, it was me and an 81-year-old woman
in a wheelchair with a cat on her sweatshirt.
Oh, we're so dangerous.
But now that I think about it, she did look kind of suspicious.
But me, wha-- I didn't do anything.
I look like someone who would fight terrorism.
You know what I'm saying?
What?
I mean, I look remarkably like someone
who would work at a counter-terrorist unit.
(cheers and applause)
So I went over to the special area,
and she comes at me with her wand.
I'm not kidding you, she goes,
"Are there any sensitive areas on your body?"
(laughter)
Is-- a-are you effing with me right now?
Is-is-- Ashton's gonna come out, right?
Totally being punk'd.
But it happened in a split second.
I didn't have a lot of time to think about it.
She's just coming. I'm like, "What--what do I say? Do I--"
and I decided to just-just go with the truth.
And so she's almost to me with the wand, then I said,
(laughter)
She's like, "Excuse me?"
(laughter)
Then I had to commit to it.
"Oh, my boobies and vagina are very sensitive!
Please don't touch them! You guys."
Then it's like the exact thing that I didn't want to happen
then totally happened.
They took me away to a secret room.
They started touching all my sensitive areas.
(laughter)
They were searching in my orifices.
I mean, when's the last time you had to use
the word "orifice", let alone "orifices"?
I don't wanna get into it, but it wasn't nice,
and then they put, like, a picture, you know,
like, "We'll watch out for this lady. She's a pervert."
Which is total B.S.
Because, number one, I'm not a pervert.
There was that one guy who was into feet.
That was an isolated incident. That was not me.
But also, um, girls ain't perverts.
(cheers)
Whoa!
Yeah, guys, take a break.
(laughter)
We're not doing the majority of the rapings and the killings.
Am I right? What's up?
(cheers)
Yeah, we can cheer for that.
We don't-- it's the guys that do all that crap.
I mean, we might, every once in a while,
maybe go in a car with a diaper on
(laughter)
But that's 'cause we gotta get that bitch who stole our man.
And we gotta focus. We don't have time to stop.
We might have to go pee-pee a little bit
and we're an astronaut in a man's world,
and we are stressed out.
But we-- we're not-- we aren't--
we're not gonna go through with it, you know?
We'll-we'll peter out at the end
'cause we just want to be loved, you know?
(sighs)
What is up with these effing bitches?
Ladies, take a break.
Guys, what is with women?
(laughter)
They're always like, "Are you okay?"
like, "ow are you feeling? What's going on?
Tell me what you're thinking."
Eff that, am I right, guys?
(man) Yeah.
What's up? Yeah.
Then this girl comes up to me and she's like,
"Oh, smell this scented candle."
And I'm like, "No, I'm busy. I got things to do."
And then she's like, "Check out these sheets.
They're 500-count Egyptian thread count or whatever."
(laughter)
and I'm like, "You know what? Get off my back."
And then she comes and tells me--
guys, tell me if you back me up on this one.
Don't you hate it when a bitch is like,
"Oh, better give me a diamond ring
if you wanna get into that secret garden."
(laughter)
I'm like, "You know what?
"Go down there, shave it bald like daddy likes,
and get ready to make some--"
Oh.
I'm sorry. That was weird.
(laughter)
I just-- I was just channeling this stuff
I heard this guy saying.
Well, I used to date him, but I just--
I wanted to relate to you guys,
and I thought that that would do the trick.
But I-I don't believe in that at all.
I don't think it--
(laughter)
Plus, I'm from Michigan, and we're-we're--
(woman) yeah!
And we don't do that, you know?
Nobody talked about it for one thing.
Keep it neat, trim, clean,
and call it a day, you know?
Because you need the protection there.
It's like the eyebrow of the lower region.
(laughter)
I'm not saying I don't wanna be hot, you guys.
Don't get me wrong, I do.
I want guys to look at me and be like,
"Oh, I just wanna grab a piece of that and... In."
I mean, that--
I've acted all these years like I'm cool
with being, you know, uh, quirky and interesting,
but I wanna be, "Oh, yeah!"
(laughter)
And somebody who, uh, epitomi-- you know,
like you're in a sports bar,
like, "Let me get that big ball in the hole.
I love to play pool. Darts? Let's do it."
Except for when I get my darts off the board,
I wanna do it like this.
(laughter)
"What?
"Was that sexy?
"I don't know what you're talking about.
(laughter)
(murmurs sultrily)
(laughter)
But the pinnacle of being hot, for me, would be fergie hot,
you know?
Oh, she's the greatest.
She has that lip liner, that bedazzled half shirt,
the tight, tight pants, and she's like, "My humps!"
And that hair that looks like a barbie doll from the '70s,
you could just keep pulling out.
Just, like, slam her. "Gimme that hair!"
(laughter)
But I don't know if you guys ever saw that picture of her
on the internet, though.
(man) Wooh!
Right?
I don't know-- it was in the middle of a concert.
It was like an exciting moment, and she's like,
♪ Like a child misses her blanket ♪
(laughter)
You didn't have time to-- "I'm Fergie, excuse me,
I'm gonna leave and go to the bathroom."
No, just pissed it.
It was just the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.
(laughter and applause)