Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm going to show you how you can stop compulsive lying in
your relationship and actually get to the truth at last.
And if you really want to empower yourself to take control and start improving
your relationship or marriage,
then subscribe to this channel and click that bell button to be notified when I
post five new videos every single week
[inaudible]
and I get it, guys, it's a very,
very painful experience when you find out that your partner has been lying to
you. I totally understand how painful that is.
But after working with tons of couples,
I've realized that lying happens for a very, very good reason. And no,
it's not that your partner is a liar, that they're just wired that way,
happens for a different reason than you're thinking.
And once we understand this reason,
then we can empower ourselves to really stop that cycle of lying once and for
all and finally get to the truth. So first things first, why do people lie?
Well, ask yourself, why do you lie?
And don't say that you haven't lied before because everybody lies.
So why do you lie? Well, the answer is simple.
You lie when the truth isn't safe to express.
You lie when you know that the truth can get you into some real trouble.
And the same thing exists in the relationship.
Your partner or you are lying in the relationship and you're hiding all these
harsh truths because you don't think that when you express the truth,
any good things will happen. It will lead to some argument.
It relieves to some judgment, rejection, or maybe even divorce.
And so instead of going through all that stuff, you hide the truth.
You start to hide the truth.
And so how do couples actually get to this point where one of you or both of you
are have to lie to each other and you're having such a hard time trusting one
another? Well, this is how it usually starts. You know, when you first meant,
you know,
during that honeymoon period you both can talk about anything you want and you
both can say anything you want and you know that your partner is going to take
it well because it's not enough baggage yet.
But then one day your partner says something that hurts your feelings that you
don't like.
And so your partner says something you don't like and you respond to it in a bad
way. You get angry, you get upset,
you kind of Stonewall them and you're going to judge them.
You're gonna tell them no, you can't think that. You can't say that.
And so what happens in a lot of relationships is two people,
they start to slowly teach each other that some things are better left unsaid,
that the truth cannot be expressed sometimes that the truth can actually
sometimes create a lot of arguments, a lot of bickering, a lot of conflicts,
a lot of issues, a lot of just bad stuff. And so slowly we start to learn, Hey,
maybe it's better that we just hide the truth because if we express the truth,
things will just go haywire. It's going to start an argument.
It's going to start this whole bad thing. And you know what? We're both tired.
We're all busy, we're both tired and we don't want to go through that.
So rather than going through that,
I'm going to hide it because it's never a good time to bring it up anyway,
and so safety gets destroyed. That's his first thing. Its safety gets destroyed.
The safety to really express yourself, the safety,
to really express all your thoughts, all your emotions openly,
that gets destroyed at first and when that gets destroyed,
what happens is you're going to have a lot of things happening in the
relationship or even outside the relationship is going to make you feel bad.
So your product's going to do something that you don't like.
You're going to start wishing you got certain things from the relationship you
wish you'd gotten more sexual pleasure.
Maybe you wish you had more emotional connection,
you wish you were a respected more and so on.
You have all these structures from work than you wish you can talk to your
partner about.
You have some financial ideas or financial recommendations that you would like
to tell your partner, but guess what?
Because emotional safety has been destroyed.
They're going to be many of those moments where you can say, you know what?
Rather than me bringing that up, I'm going to keep it to myself.
And so what you're doing is you're sweeping things under the rug now.
And when you sweep things under the rug, all that stuff collects over time.
And before you know it, you're finding yourself,
one of you or both of you are finding yourself unhappy.
And so that's how lying starts, is that you want to tell the truth,
but you know that the truth is not gonna end well. But to make it worse,
this goes even further.
When you have all these pent-up stuff in your relationship,
what happens is you start being quite unhappy.
You start being quite unfulfilled in relationship.
And the worst part about that is not that you're unfulfilled,
but then you can't even talk about it.
So what happens is you start going behind each other's back.
You start secretly doing a bunch of things. I don't know what it is,
but you start to secretly do a bunch of things to kind of fulfill the stuff
you're missing in your relationship. And so this was when infidelity happens.
This is when compulsive lying really becomes bad. And so at this point,
that's when trust is destroyed and when the other person finds out all the
secret stuff, all the lies that they've been having,
then that's when all hell breaks loose.
But I want you to recognize something here. And is that all this cycle?
It always starts with a lack of emotional safety.
It's the lack of safety to express your emotions, to talk about the harsh stuff,
to talk about the difficult stuff.
And so now you're discovering is really big lie.
But really this big lie was seeded from this lack of emotional safety.
So understand that one.
And the reason why I want you to understand that is when you discovered this big
lie, how you respond now is very,
very important because you're going to respond in two ways.
Number one is you can respond by getting upset.
This is what most people would do. They were very upset.
They were given some ultimatum.
They would force their partner to tell him the truth. You know,
they would give their partners such a hard time. And their thinking is,
you know, I gotta teach my partner lesson and I've got to show them who's boss.
I gotta to show him and kind of slap them in the face to say,
lying is not accepted here. But if you understand this,
then you know that this choice is a terrible choice. Why?
Because when you punish your partner when the truth is revealed,
either when your partner tells you the truth or you find out the truth yourself,
what you're telling your partner is this place is what's your telling your
partner is when the harsh truth comes out, this is never going to end well.
And so what happens,
any of your partner in the short term might admit to you their mistake.
They might admit to you that they lied,
but what happens in the long term then the long term,
they're going to keep hiding things away from you because they never want this
ordeal to happen again.
And they will have to lie to you because they're gonna remember that.
This means that you have a lot of pent up stuff,
a lot of stuff that doesn't fulfill you. So you know,
they're stuck in a very difficult catch 22 which is,
so if I tell my partner is gonna end up in this massive argument,
it's not gonna result in any resolution. But if I don't tell my partner,
you know, we avoid the argument,
but there's no chance in hell that we can resolve anything.
And so you're putting your partner in this like very bad, loose,
loose position if you respond badly to discovery of a lie.
So that's the first choice. The second choice you can have is to react well,
is to learn to react well and actually reward the truth coming out.
And this might seem very counter intuitive to you.
You know your brain is not going to want to do this.
Your body is not going to want to do this. But if you understand it like this,
then you will know that this is the right thing to do.
Because when you can show your partner, Hey,
the truth can come out and no argument is going to happen,
nothing crazy is going to happen. In fact, we're going to call me, take it,
we're going to call me, resolve it as well.
When you can give your partner that sense,
then you are reestablishing emotional safety here and when you can reestablish
emotional safety, it's a slow game.
But over time you will tell him that Hey is actually safe to express the truth
here. Whenever you're expressing the truth, good things happen.
One will get listened to, you'll be appreciated,
and number three will actually resolve something that's been missing from the
relationship. So that's two very different things you can do,
but depending on how you respond,
you can either perpetuate the lying cycle or you can solve it.
You can make it better over time, but that's up to you.
So if you understand the importance of safety here and how the safety can either
put you further down to the deeper into that hole or go up further and actually
stopped allying once and for all,
if you understand that and then leave a comment below with safety first and
commit to yourself that you're going to start prioritizing,
creating safety first before you start getting angry or or reacting in a way
that would actually destroy safety in the long run.
And so you might still be struggling to do this.
You might still be struggling to wrap your head around like why the hell do I
need to respond well to my partner who just lied?
Why the hell do I need to do that?
Why do I need to stay calm when my partner was the one who fucked up? Well,
here are four mindset shifts that I think will help you kind of put this into
perspective. Number one is that the truth is a good thing.
So understand that when both of you have a lot of pen type stuff,
all that pent up stuff is going to be there. Whether you know it or not.
And so whether you discovered the truth or not,
know that the issue is that caused the lie in the first place.
What's killing the relationship, whether you knew it or not.
And for this is better. The devil you know than the devil you don't.
So my best students, for example, and they're very happy couples,
they see the revolution of this truth as a good thing as a beginning.
They don't see it as the end like most people.
So whenever they discover the truth, they don't panic. They just kind of go,
okay, now that we know the truth, that's good. That's a good starting point.
And the second one is that the harsher the truth, the better.
The thing is that when you destroy emotional safety,
the first thing that goes away is your ability to communicate their harsh truth,
the most difficult things.
But also what you need to understand is that the harsh truth are the ones that
needs to come out. It has to come out.
And so you have two ways to responding here.
You either respond in a way that destroys safety and if you do this,
then you are making it even more difficult to express the harsh truth,
which again, you must express the harsh truth if you want to fix anything.
Because if you keep the heart's truth hidden under the rug and you'll never
address it,
then YouTube will never be happy and you'll just keep like sneaking behind each
other's back to get what you need that you're not getting from the relationship.
But if you take option two, which is you respond well,
you learn how to respond well to it,
then you're perpetuating a very different cycle,
which is that you're showing your partner that even the harshest truth can
actually be resolved and it can actually be taken calmly.
And when you can do that,
you are going to win so many brownie points on this emotional safety scale and
in the longterm that would make it easier,
much easier for you because you're a partner is not going to feel the need to
actually lie a lot anymore because why lie when the truth is completely fine to
express? Then a third mindset shift I want you to make, is that the truth?
No matter how harsh it is, no matter how painful it is,
it's the start of something better.
So if you look at the progression of how lying starts is that is that you lack
emotional safety,
then all this stuff happens in the relationship that makes you unhappy.
All that stuff collects over time.
But as this stuff collects because you lack emotional safety,
you can't even talk about it.
And so it keeps collecting and collecting and collecting.
So understand that when you discover a lie,
you're actually just at the tip of the surface.
But beneath that lie are all the problems that you need to investigate.
And when you investigate all those problems,
it will give you clues as to what is everything that you need to work on in the
relationship to make it better for the both of you so that you both don't feel
so unhappy. And so when you start to see the revelation of a lie,
not as the end and panic and just go berserk, but as a start,
then it's like opening Pandora's box. Because within that package,
within that package of one lie,
you can discover so many things and you can investigate so many things that can
help you fix your relationship better and understand what has been wrong with
the relationship and how do we actually take care of it.
So whenever you discover a lie, see as a start,
not the end is a start or something beautiful.
Because if you never discovered that lie,
you can never discover what the problems were. And remember, the problems exist,
whether you know it or not. The number four is understanding the long game.
So understand that when you're in a relationship with someone,
it's not a one year thing. It's not a five year thing,
even it's a decade or multiple decades long thing.
So I want you to think about this in perspective here. If you get mad right now,
what you're doing is you're playing a very short term game. You're saying,
I'm discovering this lie right now.
I feel upset and I want to feel not so upset by expressing my anger to my
partner and slapping them in the face. But when you do that,
what you're doing is you're trading the longterm, uh,
emotional safety for this one specific moment.
Because when you slap your partner in the face for having the truth found out,
what you're doing is you're destroying emotional safety for many decades to come
and understand too that the reason why you got here in the first place,
the reason why you have this culture where so hard to tell the truth was because
you never handled the truth very well in the first place.
So if you keep repeating the same pattern of not dealing with the truth in a
good way,
then you're going to keep perpetuating the cycle over and over over again.
It will never end. But when you can learn to play the long game,
which is understanding that the most important currency that you have is your
emotional safety is safety is the most important currency you have.
Then when you put that into perspective,
you will calm down a bit more and you actually react well and you will feel
quite successful when you say, Hey, I think I've,
I've taken this opportunity to create a bit more safety.
And when you're doing this, it might be a tough in the short term,
but in the long term if you keep doing this,
if you keep responding well then you're going to show your partner that Hey,
it's safer, it's safer, it's safer,
it's safer to express the truth and fast forward a year from now,
two years from now, you realize that Hey,
my partner is actually wanting to tell the truth and actually quite transparent
about his life, his thoughts and everything.
And then that's how you build trust in both ways.
And so what we're doing here is we're trying to make telling the truth a lot
easier.
We are creating the right environment where telling the truth becomes easier
when we give no reason for each other to lie.
And I know right now you are convinced that you know, even if we fix this,
my partner will still lie. But I have two points to that.
The first point is how do you know, have you tried it?
Have you tried actually reversing the cycle and seeing the results for yourself?
And the second thing is,
I've worked with many couples and I've worked with so many couples where they
were so convinced in the beginning that their partner was just,
we're just liars. But once they learned this stuff,
once they learn how to create safety first and create this environment of
safety,
they realize that they're part of didn't want to lie in the first place because
lying is tiring. Lying is difficult. Nobody wants to lie.
Nobody are compulsive liars for the sake of being compulsive liars,
everyone lies because they think that the truth is not safe to be expressed.
And it's impossible for me to outline exactly how to create this emotional
safety in just one YouTube video. So if you want more info on this,
I've created a four day training series for you where you can download that and
I'll teach you exactly step-by-step on how to have the right mindset and how to
start a conversation,
progress conversations and end conversations in a way that actually creates
safety rather than one that destroys it. So if you want that resource,
then click the link in the description box below this video for the training
series.
And if you want to save space where you can talk about the issues in your
relationship and actually get good advice and actually get good help on it,
then you can join our secret Facebook group filled in members just like you who
are just as committed and as enthusiastic to work on their relationship as you
are. And the link to that Facebook group is also below this video.
So if you learn something from this video,
then go ahead and give it a like and subscribe to this channel for more content
like this one. And tell us in the comments below,
which of these things we talked about today, did you find most insightful?
What was most eyeopening to you?
We'd love to hear your thoughts and thank you so much for watching.
This video is really great to see all of your support,
and I hope I can keep bringing more value to you guys as I make more videos,
but in the meantime, I will see you in the next video.