- It'll be okay sister.
There's always hope tomorrow'll be taco night.
- Tomorrow's beef and noodles.
- Or beef and noodles (laughs).
I am so getting raptured first.
I've technically died on three separate occasions
and I met God, dude fucking loves me.
I don't believe in getting sick.
- Wow, mind over mucus huh?
- Yeah, that and I stockpile from commissary.
I'm on a cough syrup cocktail that'll make Little Wayne
vomit in his dreads.
- What kind of a woman doesn't want to pick her own date?
- Someone who doesn't get excited by the wedding
and dove show complex and society's bullshit need
to infantalize grown women.
Oh yeah, do your vitamins usually
have an identification number on 'em?
It's pharmaceutical grade speed.
- The bottle says vitamins who am I to question it?
- So if I just take a shit in a can
and then I label it chili, are you gonna eat that?
- Oh, that is a horrible image.
- We got trimmings from the factory, 50 cents a pound.
- Trimmings, shit no one else wants.
That's a bag of turkey assholes right there.
I hate it when you talk sometimes.
No, all the time.
- Is SHU really that bad?
- It's just like the Hamptons only fucking horrible.
- SHU must really suck ass.
- Oh man, she was in there for two weeks.
I've taken shits longer than that.
One of these days you're gonna have
to change your panties Chapman.
That shit's gotta be getting ripe.
- I read that you're not supposed to ask that.
- You read that?
What you studied for prison?
- We all have our shit Nicky.
- Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit princess.
- You don't know how my shit smells.
- Sure I do (sniffs) your shit smells like Shalimar.
So you and me, we're like snatch sisters now, right?
- Can we not talk about my ex-girlfriend's vagina?
- I hate to be a stickler here
but isn't it more like ex-girlfriend, mistress, life-ruiner?
- Also I don't know anything about pumps.
- Hey, that's what he said.
Come on, I can't make one stupid joke
before I die from drowning?
- What the fuck are you doing in there Nichols?
- I'm making you a glory hole Luschek.
- By all means carry on.
I fucked Judy King.
- Oh, we are talking about Judy King the celebrity right?
Not some scabby, toothless crack whore by the same name?
I'm not interested in running
some sweaty, fallopian relay race.
Look at this, like an art form.
I'm a sexual Steve Jobs and that bitch is worth 10 points.
I don't know what your secret is Specs but you are looking
even hotter than I remember.
- Suck it Nichols.
- Come on, you're single, I'm single.
The birds are singing, the grass is soft.
It wasn't exactly new when I rode in all right,
a little dented actually, right?
The upholstery was worn.
- You knew I was after that.
- What can I say, not everyone wants a diesel dyke?
- No more hugs, you're maxed out.
- What about pussy licking?
Is that an option?
Just to, get reacquainted, no?
- I am not easy.
- You're slutty not easy, there's a difference semantically.
I was arrogant, it's a classic story of hubris.
I'm like Icarus who's wings melted
before he could fuck the sun.
- No, softball is the furthest thing from my mind.
- Oh no, let me clear, by softball I meant two in her front
and then one in the butt
and then just like eating the pussy a lot.
'Cause you like it so much.
- [Piper] Let me explain something to you.
- And playing with the titties.
It's not an addiction, it's a collection, all right?
Some people collect buttons, or Taco Bell chihuahuas.
I collect orgasms, I'm all about giving.
Look, I am like a bean-flicking Mother Theresa.
You like pussy Piper?
Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests?
I'm feeling some sapphic vibes coming off you.
(sniffing)
Come on sister, you know you would have gone my way
if you hadn't married Jesus.
I have been feeling a little tense lately.
Maybe if I stick my dick in your mouth
it might help me relax.
What, too hetero?
- Sometimes I feel like you're trying
to climb inside my womb.
- What can I say I've got mommy issues.
- That's not very classy.
- We're having sex in a fucking chapel.
Come on you wanna give me blue balls?
Oh you didn't hear?
We're done, well she's gotta start working on tightening
her pussy muscles 'cause her fiancee's dick is so small
it's like a hotdog in a hallway.
She came running to me like an injured lamb.
Yes a lamb with great sexy glasses and giant, pillowy tits
inside of my mouth.
(banging) - Watch yourself Chapman.
- What, you gonna beat the shit outta me now too?
Just tell me the safe word.
Listen if you want I can help you forget what day it is.
You know, or your name for that matter.
If we don't get this stuff outta here
it's gonna find it's way back to me, or me to it.
You know, I'm like a bloodhound for oblivion.
- Nicky what happened, where did this come from?
I thought you were doing okay?
- Wow, I'm a fuck up, huh?
- You know you could have come to me if you were struggling.
- I know.
- Then why didn't you?
- 'Cause it's not what I do, okay.
I love you.
You know to be honest
I never really believed in this bullshit before.
You know, I'd go to rehab and no one told me that you guys
give it away for free in here.
I should have just gotten locked up like a decade ago,
save my momma's suitcase of cash.
- Oh.
- Okay, that's enough.
- Red, this guy's serious.
- I'll take the shot.
Some things can't be rushed.
- She's your mom?
- Ah, maternal figurehead, my actual mother lives in Brazil
with her boyfriend Paulo who destroys rainforests
and collects photorealistic art.
She is a cunt, I am an embarrassment.
- I think it's the sobriety thing.
It's got me all riled up.
- You don't have to tell me, all right,
I've already come four times today, it's not even noon.
- [Woman] The hair, it's messy, unpolished, unkempt.
- My hair is clean.
- It's wild and slovenly.
- As long as it's not uptight and boring.
According to this aptitude test
I should be a professional athlete,
a park ranger or a correctional officer.
You just told an inmate in prison
that she should become a correctional officer.
What the fuck is wrong with you?