♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
-Hello! I'm Jiminy Glick, and I'm here
with former reality star, bankrupt casino owner,
and the forty-f--
[ Panting ]
the forty-fff--
[ Laughter ]
45th president of the United States.
It's a difficult one to utter.
[ Laughter ]
Donald J. Trump.
How are you, Mr. President?
-Thank you, Jiminy. I'm a big fan of your work.
Tonight's gonna be fantastic.
-Oh, I'm so excited to see you!
Let me shake your han--
Look at these.
This hand, it's un--
It's like five cocktail wieners
attached to a ham hock of some form.
I think -- And I don't want to use this inappropriately,
but this is what we call circus stuff.
You are such a handsome man.
-Thank you, Jiminy. Thank you very --
-You look like Dennis the Menace made a bunch
of bad life choices, but still...
-Thank you.
-Now, your first 100 days.
Would you say it's a
embarrassment or a total failure?
[ Laughter ]
I know you're very concerned about leaks, and so am I.
I've actually been leaking for the last 20 minutes.
[ Laughter ]
It's un-- No, really.
I-I'm wearing an adult diaper, and I swear to you, right now,
it weighs 75 pounds.
If you could deport one of your kids --
-Eric. -Wow!
Not an ounce of hesitation.
That's interesting.
Interesting, indeed.
If Mike Pence is against gay people,
why does he walk around with a stick up his ass?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Besides Ben Carson, can you name another African-American?
-George Foreman Grill.
[ Laughter ]
-Let me understand your education.
It's not extensive, is it?
It's a limited education.
Do you not feel that even words that are simple
should be said properly?
[ Laughter ]
Say "Chi-na."
-Jye-na. -Chi-na.
-Jye-na. -[ Sigh ]
-Jye-na.
-Say "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!"
-Jitty Jitty Bang Bang.
-Say "gynecologist."
-Jynecologost. -Okay.
This is unbelievable. [ Laughter ]
This is absolutely terrifying.
It's now been 100 days
since you've seen Melania.
Where is she? Where does she go?
She's in hiding.
-If I ever see Melania again, I'll ask her.
-This is wonderful spin.
I love this boy.
And -- Okay, this is, like --
It's like a 4-year-old walked in, lost,
and I took his hand, and I said, "Mama!
Is Mama around?"
Because this is not a normal --
If this is any indication, I can't believe there's
five children and that you're the father.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Now, Chris Christie -- do you --
do you still see him?
-It's hard not to see him.
-[ Laughs ] 'Cause he's so fat!
If anyone should make fun of heavyset people,
it should be you.
-Thank you.
-Now, you've met Vladimir Putin.
What does he taste like?
-Vladimir Putin is a great guy, a fantastic guy.
Really, really personal, charming,
and I've never met him.
-But you have, again, a vocabulary
of about six or seven words.
-Thank you. -Do you ever want to add
another one, like "the"?
-Da.
-See, da, da.
It's really somethin'.
-Da.
-My God, you're a
Not many people can pull off a mullet that looks like a...
cat's butthole as it walks away from you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Why do you squint so much?
Is it because you don't see
what you're doing to the country?
And I want to ask this --
You had this wonderful dinner
at the White House with Sarah Palin
and Kid Rock.
-That's right.
-And how did you get them over?
Did you phone them up, or did you just burn
a whole bunch of tires and let the smoke signal them?
-Don't you love Kid Rock?
-I love K-- I love Kid Rock!
-Isn't he fantastic? -And Ted Nugent.
-Ted had some very great ideas.
Have you ever seen, or heard, of TED Talks?
-That's Ted Nugent? -That is, I believe.
I could be wrong. I could be wrong.
-It's time to eat.
Would you like to have somethin'?
Mine! [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-Very funny. Very funny.
-[ Mumbles ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Are you choking?
Are you choking?
[ Chuckling ] You are choking.
-[ Coughs, grunts ]
[ Groans ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Grumbles ] -What's go-- What are you doing?
-Sometimes, when I'm choking, more food helps.
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna save it late--
Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh!
Speaking of North Korea...
-Kim Jong-un is a very dangerous man.
-He looks like a bouncer in a lesbian bar, doesn't he?
Well, so much fun!
Mr. President, let's do this again.
-Okay. -I want to talk to you
in 100 days from now --
after the impeachment.
This has been Jiminy Glick.
And I'm so honored to be sitting
with the Commander-in-Chief
of our wonderful nation.
[ Laughter ]
Donald J. Trump.
What does the J stand for?
-Genius.
[ Laughter ]
-Very good.
[ Cheers and applause ]