Welcome aboard this Air Middle Earth flight.
Before we set out on our journey I would like to impart a story of safety.
[whistles loudly]
Even if you fly with us often, be sure to keep a sharp eye on the briefing.
Make sure your belongings are hidden away in the compartments above or under the seat before you.
All travellers must keep a watchful eye on the lighted signs, and follow crew instructions.
If the seatbelt sign is on, sit yourself down and fasten your seatbelt quick smart.
Be sure that it's snug across your hips, though not so tight as to lose the feeling in your legs.
If you're in a SkyCouch row, there are special seatbelt instructions in your seat pocket.
We recommend keeping your seatbelt fastened throughout the journey.
Should you need to explore, it can always be undone.
If an oxygen mask should fall before you, simply pull down on the mask, place over your nose and mouth
and tighten by pulling the elastics on both sides. Oxygen will flow through the mask automatically.
If there are young ones around you, be sure to put your mask on before helping them.
Keep a sharp eye, as there may be others who need your help.
[over-enunciating] Mordor!
Mordor!
No, Mordor!
Should an emergency occur during take-off or landing, place your hands on your head
with your elbows on the outside of your thighs, whilst keeping your feet flat on the floor.
You can also brace yourself on the seat in front of you.
My precious...
In Business Premier sit upright, put your hands on your knees with your knees together against the wall
and your feet on the edge of the ottoman.
If you're seated in Economy and Premium Economy you'll find your lifejacket under your seat.
The SkyCouch has it in the top of the leg rest,
and if you're seated in Business Premier you'll find your lifejacket here beside you.
Life jackets are simple to master: take a firm hold and rip it from the bag then place it over your head like so.
Clip the straps together and tighten.
This red tab inflates the life jacket so only pull it once you leave the aircraft.
Oh, sorry!
If you need a little more inflation... Simply blow into the mouth-piece.
We shall provide life jackets for the very young, should the need arise.
There's no smoking allowed anywhere of any kind on this aircraft as it's a fire hazard.
Should you need a light in darkness to help you find your way,
the escape path lighting will lead you to an exit.
If ever there were a need to evacuate, support fellow passengers who might require help.
Your noble crew are now pointing out the exits.
You would be wise to note your nearest exit could be behind you, so cast your eyes about
and count the number of rows to your nearest exit.
You'll find more information on the safety card in your seat pocket.
Please power off all electronic devices during take-off and landing.
Electronic devices such as mobile phones can interfere with aircraft systems and must not be used in flight
unless you switch them to flight mode and ensure that all cellular, wi-fi and bluetooth capability is turned off.
Once switched to flight mode all electronic devices must be turned off for take-off and landing.
And finally, for take-off we ask that you place your tray table back, your leg rest down, and ensure your
seat back is upright, unless you're in Business Premier, where you choose your own seat back position.
Check to see that your window shades are open and your arm rests are lowered,
and be sure to fasten your seatbelt. Once this story has concluded
your entertainment screen and remote control need to be put away for take-off.
Now sit back, relax, and enjoy your journey.
May the road rise up to meet you and your beard grow ever longer.
May the sun shine warm upon your -
Fly, you fools!
[laughter]