- So what are the things about yourself
that you should never tell your partner
'cause your partner doesn't need to know?
This question has been submitted over the years
multiple times through my community
and I've always avoided answering it.
And I'll tell you why here in just a moment.
But my team's challenged me to answer this question.
And to be honest,
when this question first came in, you know,
what secrets should you never tell your partner about?
I'm repulsed by the phrasing of that question
because the truth of the matter is,
if you have secrets
that you don't want to tell your partner,
that creates distance.
Secrets are the antidote to intimacy.
If you're afraid of how your partner's gonna respond
or if you're afraid of them getting angry
or rejecting you because of some secret that you have,
that's actually creating distance
and you'll never give the relationship a shot
for true connection and true intimacy
because real, beautiful, healthy relationships
don't have secrets for one another.
And that being said, as I pondered this question,
I thought, okay, well what are the kinds of information
that really don't serve the relationship?
It doesn't bring the relationship closer.
And by not sharing it, it's not creating distance.
You're actually not sharing this
out of kindness and respect, not out of fear
because you have this deep desire to share it
and you're just afraid they might reject you.
And there are some really good categories,
really good types of information
that fall into that concept.
And so, I wanted to share them with you right now.
And so, we're gonna talk about five things
that you really shouldn't be talking to about your partner
because it will actually create more distance
than it creates closeness.
And so, the first concept is sexual details
about your past partners.
Now, if you're in the kind of relationship
where your partner actually gets turned on by this,
they've got a kind of a fetish for this
and the two of you want to explore this,
then this might be a category that you lean into.
But if your partner's not asking for this,
your partner's not soliciting this information,
then describing sexual details
about what you and exes used to do or how good it was
or whatnot because you're wanting your partner to engage
in those activities, just know this.
It's way better to leave any specifics
about you with other people out of the equation.
And if you want your partner to try something with you,
to engage in something with you sexually,
just be direct and ask them.
Say, hey, would you be open to this?
Because watching or imagining your partner,
your current partner with an ex,
doing something that brought them extreme pleasure,
for a huge population of people,
it's like putting an egg beater in the brain, it's like.
(imitating egg beater)
Like, I do not, it's painful.
I do not even want to think about that.
It doesn't bring you closer together.
Now, for those who have fetish, it might,
but that's why you want to know your partner.
And if the partner isn't soliciting this information,
instead just be direct
and ask for what you would really want in the bedroom.
Number two is sharing things that you hate about yourself.
Things that you dislike, things that you're critical of,
like you hate your thighs or you hate your freckles
or you hate your skin or you hate your hair color
or whatever it is, vocalizing that isn't a good practice.
It's not gonna bring you closer together.
And at the end of the day, as you actually vocalize it,
you amplify the feeling,
you amplify that negative critical energy
towards yourself and it doesn't help your partner
feel closer to you.
And it's actually self-destructive.
So when you notice the thoughts of like,
oh I really don't like this about myself,
and it's just a critical thought, then notice it.
Cast it to the side and instead focus on something
that you do love about yourself
or surround that critical energy in love and compassion
because the healthiest thing
that you can bring to the relationship is a healthy you,
a healthy mindset.
Now, if you're working through something
where you're like, you know what, a part of me
doesn't like this about myself
and I'm really working through that
and would you support me in this?
That's a different conversation to bring to your partner.
But just to spew negativity into the relationship
and onto your partner
about what you don't like for yourself
is almost masochistic in nature
and doesn't bring you together and doesn't move you forward.
Number three is sharing insecurities about the relationship,
specifically doubts and fears that are bubbling up
because the relationship is so good.
The thoughts that you're thinking,
the relationship is amazing
and the two of you are connecting
and you're having this fear of like,
oh, this is too good to be true
or this is too good to last.
When's the other shoe gonna drop?
Like, there's gotta be something wrong with him.
And then you're bringing him
those types of thoughts and those fears.
You're like, you know, there's gotta be something
wrong with you, this is too good to be true.
Or like, wow, I don't feel like
I really deserve this relationship.
Or, you know, those types of fears are simply insecurities.
It's a paradigm, this rising up,
for release and re-patterning.
And it doesn't actually serve the relationship
unless you're bringing it up from a different vantage point.
This is, wow, I'm really loving our relationship.
I'm feeling so good and so close to you.
And there's a part of me
I've noticed this coming up that's like,
oh, this is too good to be true.
And as those fears come up, I'm just letting them,
I'm surrounding them in love,
I'm releasing them 'cause I'm really loving
our relationship and I want to take it deeper.
That's a very different thing
than actually fishing for validation,
fishing for him to help bring you security,
fishing for him to like reassure you
that the relationship is gonna continue
to be well, continue to grow, continue to be connected.
That actually degrades the quality
of the relationship that you have with him.
So as these fears or insecurities come up,
know whether or not it's simply a paradigm
or a limiting belief, trying to dial your love meter down
or whether it's the type of fear that you want to bring up
because you know it's creating distance
between the two of you and you want to actually feel closer.
That's an important distinction in whether or not
you're actually gonna bring this conversation forward.
Number four is an awesome one
and it is your judgment thoughts of your partner.
And this is when like, you know,
when you're in an extra critical mood
and maybe you just have a bad day
or maybe you just, you know, you're just feeling negative
and you're critical of everything,
you're critical of yourself,
you're critical of the world around you.
And so just the way he's eating his food is driving you nuts
or just him sitting
on the couch watching TV is just irritating you.
And so, in those moments,
you want to check yourself and say,
is he doing anything wrong?
Is he doing anything out of the norm
of how he normally does this?
And if he's not, and you know
it's just because you're in a critical mood,
then that's the kind of information
that there's no productivity
in sharing that and spewing it on him.
Same way, he shouldn't be spewing that on you.
He shouldn't be just critical
of you 'cause he is in a bad mood.
If we're in a negative state that day for some reason,
you want to notice that and say, oh,
is this a productive comment to make?
Is this gonna move us forward?
Or do I just need to remove myself?
Do I need a breather?
Do I just need to create some space?
And give yourself what you need in order to feel better,
so that you can actually create a really
beautiful deep connected relationship with him.
And the fifth topic are your shame stories.
And this one isn't something that you shouldn't share
but it's about timing of when you want to share this.
See, the foundation of every great relationship is trust.
And trust is a lot like an oak tree, right?
Oak trees start as a little acorn.
Acorns are not oak trees yet, but you place this acorn
in fertile soil and you water it
and you give it light and you nurture this little acorn.
It first starts as a seedling
and then it will grow up and become a beautiful oak tree.
And you can put all your weight
and lay on an oak tree's branches and it will support you
because its roots are strong enough,
its trunk and branches are strong enough.
But if you put all your weight
and laid on an acorn seedling,
it would crush it and it would kill it.
And relationships are the same way.
It takes time to develop trust, it takes time
for that relationship roots to go deep
and the trunk and the branches to become strong.
And so, if you've got a really personal story
about maybe your past in a time that you were abused
or some family stuff that you went through
or an insecurity that you have, the story keeps coming up
every once in a while and you've gotta release it.
I'm not talking about stuff that you've healed
and you've moved on from and you've grown,
you feel like you're on the other side.
Stories like that, you can tell early and on the first date,
but your shame stories, you only want to share
with someone who's gonna protect your heart,
someone who's gonna be with you,
someone who's not gonna take that information,
turn it around and throw it back at you
when you're in a fight, right?
Someone who's built enough trust where you know
that they're gonna gonna hold that information
with compassion and reverence.
One of my clients, in her mid forties, contracted an STD.
She contracted herpes.
And for her, it was a big point of shame.
And the big question was,
when do I share this information with a guy that I'm dating?
Should I share it on the first date?
And the answer is, you share it when it's relevant
and when you know he's gonna protect your heart.
And so, the idea is, on a first date,
it's not relevant 'cause the two of you,
she was not the type of woman
who wanna sleep together on the first date.
But after they've built the relationship
to the point where they are interested in being exclusive,
to the point where they do want to sleep together,
and to the point where there's enough trust
that she knows he's gonna protect her heart
with that information,
then that's the time to bring up that information.
At that point, the relationship has got enough roots.
Its got enough strength.
The connection has built to create that strength
that there are tons of people
who can overcome that challenge
and they know how to manage that STD
and they're able to create
beautiful, intimate experiences together
and they're able to overcome that challenge
because the relationship is worth it to them.
So my question for you is what topics
have you found best not to share,
because it actually degrades from the connection
in the relationship rather than cultivates that connection?
Go ahead and share those ideas in the comment section below.
I hope this serves you.
I appreciate you.
Here is to your amazing love life.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)