I wear a mask just in case any fluids or any poop or anything decides
- it wants to fly out and it won't go in my mouth. - Oh, okay.
( music playing )
- Are you Patrick? - Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hey, I'm Link. - Nice to meet you.
I've been in a bike accident with my friend here.
- Oh, no. - The great news is I'm not dead.
- Oh, good. Good to hear. - The bad news is, he is.
- Oh. - He was attacked by a gopher in the face.
No, no, no. This is from the road.
- Ha, he talkin'! - You should see the gopher.
- ( laughs ) - This is basically a role play
in order for us to experience what it's like
to prepare a deceased person for whatever's after.
- You're the man for the job, right? - Sure.
Do you sew up the butthole?
That's the thing that I wanted to know right off the bat.
- Yeah, if it's pretty runny, yes, we will. - Oh, gosh!
- Hopefully they have no Taco Bell. - Mine is perfectly puckered
- and nothing's coming out. - You look pretty short-staffed today.
- Can I be your assistant? - Oh, sure.
We're gonna take this clothes off.
We're gonna cut everything off.
So we're gonna take these scissors here.
- Link: There it is. - You know, some people buy Gucci outfits
and everything, you have to cut the stuff off.
Now Patrick, just remember, bike shorts,
they got kinda something that's going on down there.
If you're noticing the bulge, I mean,
I would like to take credit for it.
But you know what? I'll take credit for it.
We'd have to suck out the fluids first?
Yes, he would go into embalming.
You'd hook up a hose to a sucker?
He would go over here with that machine right there.
- This thing? - This is what you aspirate with.
You poke that down his stomach.
Wait, I don't want him touching that.
- You would poke this in the stomach? - Yeah.
I'm not gonna freakin' aspirate your stomach.
I'm not comfortable-- look how sharp that is.
You should not be allowed to be holding that.
This instrument is used to suck out all the gases
and extra juices inside the body.
Have you ever had somebody request
to have a little pocket of air
left over for the funeral? Like a well-timed fart
- in the middle of my funeral? - No, gross, gross, gross.
And then you take this and you just--
- Patrick, you keep handing him that. - ( laughs ) I'm sorry!
In the movies, the dead person is like this
and then if you slowly go like that,
- their eyes close? - No. No.
Sometimes the eyes have to be removed
'cause the eyes are so bulgy they won't close.
- You pluck 'em out. - What's the weirdest thing that anybody's ever requested
- to be buried in? - Lingerie.
Like a pretty little gown or something, something see-through.
The problem is what you see when you see through.
I like the idea, of, like, goin' back to my roots.
I'd just like to be completely naked with a bagpipe
positioned right here. And then everybody can come by the coffin
and push it and play it. ( imitates bagpipe )
( music playing )
- This is nice. - I got something.
- Oh, perfect. - Look at that.
- Tux on the top-- - Okay.
A little Scottish on the bottom.
- So, what's up with the socks? - Nice wool socks.
Be stiff, man. Rigor mortis, they call it.
- Link: ♪ Rigor mortis ♪ - There we go.
There we-- look at that.
Gonna button the shirt up, before it's on him.
- Yes. Yes. - Some sort of trickery happening?
- Do you talk to the dead person, like-- - Sometimes.
If I like the hairstyle, I did.
If they hair's like, really, really pretty, I'm like,
"Okay, you look real good, girl."
- It's buttoned. - So, we're gonna take these scissors--
- Rhett: Who knew that this was a part of it? - Yep, yep, yep.
- Whoa! - Patrick: I'm not gonna cut it.
- "It." - Don't worry.
Take this arm here--
You just massage your rigor mortis out--
Little massage, too, huh? Being dead's not that bad, guys.
This feels a lot like when I used to play with dolls as a child.
You played with pants-less dolls?
Look at this. We got tails.
- You look cool, dude. - You look like a concert pianist.
Finally, we get to cover the crotch.
- Whoa, ho! - Man, I'm really getting in the spirit.
- He was killed, and now he's... - Kilted.
- And finally... - That's a nice purse.
- Ooh, look at that. - It's really nice.
A dead person is not so much dressed as they are draped.
- Why do have a mask? - I wear a mask just in case any fluids or any poop
or anything decides it want to fly out
- and it won't go in my mouth. - Oh, okay. What next?
Well, let's fix this wound right here.
- So you're gonna shove Play-Doh... - Yes.
in a living man's wound, but if it was a dead man it would be wax.
- Yes. - Smells good. I've always wanted to eat this stuff.
So you want to try to cover this up.
It's like kindergarten again, Rhett.
Putting Play-Doh on dolls' faces.
Now I'm gonna use some cosmetics.
Matching his skin tone a little bit.
Man, you're gonna look casket beautiful.
Which is the best kind of beautiful.
Clear polish on his nails.
Now we're gonna get a nice cologne for him.
- Is this it? - Oh, we can't use that.
- No, that's embalming fluid. - "For extra-firm cavities."
- Make you hard as a rock to the end of time. - Uh-oh.
- Into the casket he goes. - Yes, hallelujah!
All right.
Oh gosh! ( straining )
What has he been eating?
Slide him down, just like that.
Oh, you're a little tall for this casket.
( laughing )
Is this a normal position?
What's the problem? We'll just take this leg--
- Rhett: ( laughing ) Oh, God. - Okay, just jam it.
- Just jam on it. - ( clicks closed )
- Oh, there we go. - There we go.
I'd like for him to hold a coat hanger.
It's what your kilt was hanging on.
When I get to the afterlife,
I like, hang my kilt back up?
- And walk around naked. - How does the casket feel?
My legs could be straight.
- Patrick, we did it. - We did it.
Rest in peace, my friend.
- You want a burger? - ( laughs )
( Scottish bagpipes play )
Rhett: Hello? I'm getting a cramp!
Rhett:
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