T to the K, T-Kizza. Yo, it's your boy Tommy Khan. What's happening?
Welcome back to another Tommy K's One-A-Day,
and today we're going to be checking out my own car.
HE CHOKES
Oh!
You all right, Ahmed?
I'm just saying this - this standard growth skinny dick Tommy Khan
is a bloody disgrace to gentleman documentarians.
Well, he's almost number one on the website.
Oh, number one website! Oh, yeah(!) Er!
Very mature.
Tommy is trending on Twitter.
So... Nobody gives a flying shit about Twitter any more.
No-one uses Twitter.
Do you? Bilal, do you use Twitter?
No, he does not. You see?
Ahmed's Twitter page.
Yeah, so for the first three months he thought it was a search engine.
And I know this because I was given the task of fixing
his virus-ridden computer.
And amongst the searches, I found...
"@KTHopkins, where do you live?"
"Photo of rimming job."
"Video of rimming job."
"Rimming job."
"Rimming job." "Rimming job."
Why are you even here? You shouldn't bother the talent, Halima.
I'm not here out of choice, Ahmed. Then bloody shoo!
Why you here? I don't need bloody baby-sitter.
Because Saira has asked me to keep an eye on you. No, she didn't.
Yes, she did. No, she did not.
Yes, she did!
Thank you.
Yeah, OK, look.
All we need to do is just... Ahmed.
You know, I think I'm going to go for a jog.
I don't know, I just... Just sit down. No, I'm OK, I'm OK.
Ahmed, just sit down.
Not...
You know that's the transcript for your edits that you typed up?
How are we going to put them back?
Right, just...
Oh, my... What are you doing? No. Working. No.
Just give me... Don't touch. Just give... Ahmed, give them...
Just let me do it.
Oh, Bilal, no, no problem!
No, you don't worry yourself. No, don't worry yourself.
Yeah, no, it's cool. No, it's cool.
No, it's fine. Please, don't! No, don't get up.
Why would you be a human being and get up and help another human being?
Ahmed has, how you say...
..anger problem.
You know, maybe if you can please give me your mother's number?
He needs to give me.
Because then I can call her and say, excuse me,
you raise really nice son who does not help anybody!
Bilal, you don't need to give...
Shall I get this now?
Why would you do this? Why would you pick...
Imagine there's little kid there.
He's bleeding, he's dying. The kid is dying.
Everywhere's blood.
You don't need to help them.
Don't get up. You stay there!
The kid's going to die anyway. Why help?
Have you got it out of your system?
Nobody uses Twitter any more.
Bilal, I need more involvement from you. More interaction.
You can't just always stand there like a big bloody immigrant.
I'm always polite. Yes, I know.
But polite is not interaction, Bilal.
I need you to work on your greetings and your responses.
It...it all needs work.
What should I do?
Just be more natural, you know? Like me.
OK.
You know when you meet a fellow Brit, like myself,
and you want to acknowledge them?
What you need to do is purse your lips together,
raise your eyebrows
and tilt your head gently.
It is a warm, simple, subtle gesture.
But it's beautiful and understanding.
Yes. OK, I try. Yeah, try now.
Try now.
No! No, oh, no, no, no.
No. Listen, no.
Welcome back to Being British with me,
Westernised gentleman documentarian, Ahmed Armstrong.
Pak Nation's number one.
And today we are in Hampstead
in English heritage site Ben Wood's House,
where we will learn about the olden times in Britain.
Yes, when everything was sepia and it all smelled like bacon.
Today, we are here with the historian Francis Baker-Jones.
Can I call you FBJ for short, maybe?
Hmm. OK, maybe not.
And my protege Bilal.
So, FBJ, please, tell us about this building here.
Well, this particular portrait was painted in 1590.
PHONE RINGS And did Ben paint this one?
The paintings on display are by artists...
Hello?
Hello.
It's all right, yeah?
What is... What is all right?
What... Are you all right?
Yeah. OK, oh. Thank you.
I'm happy you are all right.
We understand that the country was invaded
at the time of this painting.
Yes, Britain was invaded by William of Orange in 1591. Wow.
Even back then, the coloured people were trying
to take over the country!
Oh, speaking of coloured people, who is this woman?
This is Dido Belle, Britain's first black aristocrat. Wow.
This was her family home for perhaps the first 30 years of her life.
She was a member of the family
and household during the later 18th century.
Which was around the time that racism ended, yes.
Do the thing I was telling you.
Do it. The thing.
Ben's House, a treasure chest of olden times.
And all around the country, including this one,
there is a plethora of English activities.
Francis Baker-Jones, please tell my viewers
what these activities include.
Well, anything from croquet to horse riding and shooting.
Shooting? Yes.
Foxes, pheasants. Oh, yes, I completely agree.
We should always keep the poor in check.
And please tell my viewers what is the actual loophole
to allow us to shoot the peasants?
Pheasants, Ahmed.
It's a bird. Even I know that.
You want to interrupt me like savage? I will whip you like savage!
Come here!
You mother...
You... Come here! Bilal, come here!
Come here, I won't hit you. I will not hurt you.
I will not hurt you.
Slow down!