Oh God, what is this.
So is he the host this year?
Uuuuh no, I think it's Jimmy Kimmel.
Jimmy Cromble?
James Cromlet- Cromwell.
The Cromelet, uh, the Kremlin.
The Kromlin
The Kremlin?!
Babe 2: The Reckoning.
Oooh.
Oh man, and then they almost kissed.
It almost happened.
James Cromwell and the pig?
If they just, like, datamoshed and the entire audience disappeared
and then it's like the Oscars didn't exist
And i- in the papers they're like "The entire- All of Hollywood just disintegrated."
Merk: Oh my god in one fell swoop.
Oh man, hey ISIS, I got a plan fo-
Adum: Don't say that. Merk: OK *laughs*
Joel Withers (?) would be rolling in his grave if he were here to see this.
Hey, it's Jimmy Krambell- the Kremlin himself.
Adum: James Cromwell everybody! *Merk laughs*
Jimbo Kromlin: "And around the world in over 220 countries that now hate us."
Adum: Now?!
That's dishonest.
I'm so glad I'm not playing a drinking game of, like, how many times they mention Trump.
They show a clip of Micheal Keaton putting his acceptance speech back in his pocket as Eddie Redmayne wins.
That'd be so funny. Merk: Ah, Eddie Redmayne wasn't up there. Adum: Good.
And he should never be up there again in his entire life.
M: Don't say that while I'm swallowing Adam.
Mmm, now I'll have a piece of this pizza *laughs at his own joke*
I didn't even think about it much but there was like this contest on my phone sort of thing through Cineplex saying like:
"You can win all these scene points if you guess the Oscars!" So I'm like, "Ok, whatever"
I'll read out the one ones that I- that I guessed for each one so we'll see how accurate it was but I didn't put too much thought into it.
So for Best Supporting Actor, I have Ma-her-shalla Ali. (Mahershala Ali)
M: Oh this is the guy who should win. A: Oh yeah, fucking...
If he wins, I'll be so upset.
Winner Reader that no one cares about: Mahershala Ali.
M and A: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
M: Fuck yeah!
A: Alright, so far we're 1 for 1
It's only going to go downhill from here.
Armond White somehow made it into the crowd and yells out "You're a piece of TRAAAAAASH"
A: (Something before getting cut off)
M: (Hysterical) OH HOHO, HAHAHA, SUICIDE SQUAAAD?
A: I think I put Star Trek: Beyond M: Yeah, I can see that.
A: For Make Up and Hairstyling, that's it. M: Yeah, yeah.
If it doesn't win, it's stupid.
Random Woman: And the Oscar goes to:
*ungh*
*lip smack* For Suicide Squad-
A and M: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
M: Oh look, Bateman's eyes, he was like "Oh, really? Like actually?"
A: The OSCAR WINNING Suicide Squad ladies and gentleman!
A (as the guy): Thank you for Zach Snyder, who made the best film of the past 50 years
A: OHH HIS PHONE HAS A FUCKIN' SUICIDE SQUAD JOKER M: Oh my gooood
A: What a fucking freak!
M (as the guy): I get to speak now, my time is to speak, I get to schpeak, I am a corpse, I will be dead in hours.
M: I love that they have the muscle over here. Can I get some muscle over here?
A: Is that Lena Dunham? M: *laughs* She's the muscle?
A: A lot of these categories are literally just to give Oscars to films that don't deserve any Oscars.
M: You know what's sad is that the Nazi Youth haircut actually is pretty decent.
A: Yeah, you'd say that. M: Well, it's true! It's a decent haircut!
A: Honestly, the design of the Croc dude was the stupidest fucking thing. I hated it. M: It was ridiculous.
M: "Stop overreacting guys" I'm not overreacting, it's actually fucking stupid.
A: If you were a woman you'd be OVARY-acting. M: UUUGHHH
A: Ooo, Bazinga! M: Braaazinga
M: Please say something other than Trump jokes, Jesus.
A: It's all he's got.
M: AUGH! It's me! Shimmy Shammy *laughs at his own joke*
A: She's not that hidden!
M: Who would have figured?
*laughs*
*His laughs echo through time*
M (as the woman): Is this a burrito?
A: Soooo, Tickled wasn't even nominated. M: What the fu- ah, what?!
The only trailer I saw for any of these films was the one, uh, Life Animator, or whatever it was called?
With the autistic guy that like lives vicariously through animated films?
A: Through memes? No, sorry, that's me.
Could you imagine if someone went up for their acceptance speech and they said "MANAMIJEF" and left?
M: *laughs* Oh, the day I win an award for ANYTHING. It's like 20 years from now when like the meme doesn't make any sense. A: *laughs*
A: And then one guy will be like "I get it!" and you'll- *laughs*
M: They roll me out just like that old woman and they put like, that fucking microphone-
M: MELLAMOJEFF
M: OH, OH MY GOD she was stuck!
Jingle Krimbop: OJ, you get an extra slice of baloney on your sandwich tonight.
Crowd: *fake laughter*
A: He's not funny. M: Yeah. A: None of his jokes have been funny.
A (as the Rock (but in an old Italian man's voice for some reason)): Have you heard of this Trump guy?
M: Have you heard about this Trump guy? A: It's crazy, right?
I miss Adele Dazeem.
He looked fucking high before he said that. M: He- he looked VERY high.
A: I literally, as soon as he came out on stage, I was like "He looks blitzed."
He looks like he doesn't even know where the fuck he is.
And then he fucks that up and I'm like "Yeeeeeeaaaah"
M: She's hot, she's got a great mouth, would bang.
A: Mark, she's 16.
M: OH MY GOD, IS SHE ACTUALLY? OH GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT, SHIT I'M SO SORRY *laughs*
A: Did you say you wanted to fuck her? M (through laughter): I said I wanted to slip my dick in her mouth.
A: Well. M: She's not- Oh no, she's actually- A: CALL THE COPS, SORRY M: Oh my fucking god, I feel like a-
A: It's legal in Canada.
A: Stop blinding the camera with your sparkly fucking dress.
A: Now that I think of it, I feel like every comedy routine I've ever seen from Jimmy Kimmel is just him being an asshole.
A: hoo dat? Announcer: Lynn Stalmaster.
A: Stalmaster? Announcer: And Jackie Chan. M: And Jackie Chan as- A: THE STALMASTER
Distorted voices: B̴̠̼̹͈̌̔̇͠ḙ̴̛͕͙̭̽͊̈ ̶̨̹̰͈͋̇̄̈c̵̩̱̦̣̈́̀͑̿a̷͕̖̪̖̓̍͑̓r̵̡̝͙̱͂̐̂̃e̷̲̩̟̘̐͊̕͠f̷̧͍̺͐̔̋͛ͅu̷͓̥̭̣͛͛̋͠l̴̤̖̠͉̐̇̅͝ ̷͙͎͚̭̃̎̿̕w̸̨̳͔̭͗̀͑͝h̴͇̖̫̖̔͛̏̾a̸̺̺̙͚͆̎̈́͠ṭ̶̜̜̣̑̔̒̚ ̷̨͓̗̖̍͒̒̓c̷̛̣̞̘͒̏̆ͅò̷̞̲̫̰͒̆̕m̸̧̰̺͚͌̆̑͘e̵͙͉͔̝̿̉̍̍ŝ̵̢̠̺̼̐̎͝ ̸̧͕̝͚͐͋͐͒w̴̡̦͍̭̍́̍͘î̸̗̲̣̘̽̃̽t̴̖̼̻̰̂̾̀́h̶̰̭̱̠̓̈́̆̋ ̵͙̯̦͙̀̋̆͑ḑ̴͚̬̬͂̎͗̀è̸̼̥̺͊͛̏ͅā̴̡̫̼̹͛̈́͐t̶͙͚̝̯̀̋̌̄ḩ̵̞̪̩̅̍͌͘ ̶͉͎̳̝͊́̾̚ẁ̶̦͇̤̰͂͑̕h̴̢̰͎͓̓͑͆͝e̵̢̳͎͍͒̀̇͛ņ̸̧͍̙͑̀̂͊ ̷̗̘̪̍̀̍̊͜y̸̦̟̦̙̅̍̈́̀ȯ̵̲̫͓̝̽̒̈́ů̶̡͈̺͎͗̌̚ ̶̻̝͇͓̅̌͆̅e̴̛̠̩̠̤͋̕̕n̶͉͈͚̝̓̅͗͑ţ̵͚͕͔̀͗̚̚e̵̪̭͇̝͌͛̆̐r̷͖̫̯̥̐̊̾̄.̴̜̖̖̲͗̊͂̍ ̸͎̞͉͎̄͛̀̔Y̷̼̭͓̯̆̾̑̾ó̷͉̼͋͌̚͜ͅû̵̧̠̯̗͆̓̇ ̷̟͓̱̩̔͋͛̀s̴̢̺̹̦̉̍̈́̿h̷̡̬̜̙̏͒̋̉ṑ̵̡̱̩̓͜͠u̷̧̳͕̪͐͐͊̔l̷̨͚̹̿̓̑̑͜d̷͍̹͇̜̂̆̅͠ ̸̢̘̙͉̈̑̏̚ẅ̶̜͈̩̗͐͑̀a̷̯͙͓͊͊́͜͠t̴̢͉̼̬̆̿͛͠c̶̯̞̪̺̐̐͐̾h̸̢̡̬̱̐̍͊́ ̴̼̮͇̯̋͛̕͝o̷̡͖̰̥̓̃̓̍ų̶̱̹̘͌̇̄̚ţ̶͈̯͉̀̊̔͂ ̷̪͓̲̾͛̎͒ͅf̷̹͔͙̱̏͑͋̽ō̴̢̹̣͌̊̍͜r̴̯̩͕̪̊͆̊́ ̸͖̲̰̩̈̅̐͘t̴̢͙͙̮̃̈́̕h̶͇̻̤̟́̇̕͝ȩ̴̫̖̲̔̅̊͝ ̸̰͕̺̤͗̋͝͝S̴̥̲̭̔̎̆̀͜T̶̢͎͇̮̃́͗̏A̴̗͖̳͐̃͊͝ͅĻ̵̨̈̾̀̄͜ͅM̴̧̫̣̔̀͘͜͝Ḁ̴̺̙͔̄̇̽͝S̴̗͍̻͎̑̌͐͂T̴̡̹̙̬͛͐͛̚E̸̙̝̜̳̒̐͂̾Ŗ̷̭̖̽͒̓͘͜
Empowered Black Woman Who Don't Need No Man: Forgiveness. And grace. A: And the memes.
M: Remember the memes. A: Remember the old memes like Garugamesh.
M: Okay, so for all of the people who committed suicide because they could never be on Pandora, why didn't you just wait, like, 6 years so you could go to Walt Disney World?
A: HEHE
M: Like, I'm so sorry- A: Yeah, you don't know what the future of virtual reality will hold.
M: Then again, if you were looking at this you'd probably want to commit suicide.
Jinkle Klinkle: For me, it wasn't for David Letterman, I wouldn't be here tonight.
A: So HE'S to blame.
Oh yeah, I think it's definitely going to, uh, the Iranian one, the Salesman.
Lady: The Salesman. A: Ohhhh we knew it, everybody knew it.
M: Sorry! A: Is he able to attend? No? Sorry.
Whatever I saw him at TIFF, soooooo
M: I don't care if he came. A: Sorry Oscars. Sorry America, I already saw him in Canada. M: #OscarsSoTrump
Jeeeeee Keeeeee: Hailey Steinfeld and Gael Garcia Bernal.
A: Eyyyyyyyyyy, I love Gael. I'd date him, I'd kiss him on the lips.
M: Wow, he's shorter than I thought he'd be. A: You don't know how tall she is.
M: I'm basing it off the mic. A: You don't know how tall the mic is. M: *explodes with laughter*
*smooch*
M: *deflates then laughs* That was super awkward.
Guy: MAHERSHALLA M: *laughs* A: They- they look traumatised.
M: They look like, *moan* (?)
I like how they're, like, celebrity gawking while they're here.
*smooch* A: AAAUGGHHH
A: That was like a full lick, oh mY GOD AAGH
A: Get outta here Jennifer Anniston.
A: Get back to your fucking make up commercials.
Goddess: "...computer generated effect." Comedic Genius: "Or as I like to call it, the, uh, 'We don't need actors anymore, we have computers' effect.
*silence*
A: NO LAUGHS
A: NO LAUGHS. You could hear one guy going 'heh heh!'
A: Come on Kubo.
Comedic Genius: And the Oscar goes to... The Jungle Book.
A: fuck
Reth Sogan: Here are the nominees for Achievement in Film Editing. A: Please not Hacksaw Ridge.
Reth: Hacksaw Ridge. A: AUUUUGHHH
M: Best Editing? (Slo-mo) I ' M G O N N A B E A T Y O U
(Shitty slow motion dialogue throughout)
Jemima Krumping: Did you see Hackshaw Ridge? Kid: Yes. Jimminey Kricket: The editing is unbelievable. A: UGHHHHH
Joowop Koowop: D'you want to do the thing where the Lion King lifts the kid up in the air? M: No, do not touch that boy. Jimmy Kimmel, you know- you're-
A: I've come to the realisation that Jimmy Kimmel uses children for comedy because he's not funny.
(The Lion King opening plays) M: This is not- Ooh, god, cringe, FUCK ME dude.
A: See, kids, kids are cute and will say funny things and then people will laugh, and it's like "Wow, Jimmy Kimmel is so funny", but he's not, it's the kids.
Woman I Kind Of Recognise: The White Helmets. A: I'd like for someone to open up the card and be like "Ah, fuckin' bullshit." and then say the- M: *laughs*
Jin F. Kimmeldy: You know, we're more than 2 hours into the show and Donald Trump hasn't Tweeted at us once. A: Ughhhhhh
(Moonlight music)
(Wait, sorry, there's been a mistake. It's La La Land, you guys come up, it's you.)
A (singing): America's Trump...
A: GOTEM
M: This really is Trump's America...
M (as J. Kizzle): Hey guys, have you heard this in the news, about what ISIS did recently? Yeah, it looks like they really SET US UP THE BOMB
*Moment of silence*
*laughs at his own joke* A: That's an old meme.
J to the K: Harold is the, uh,
*trips over guy's leg*
*silent stare*
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
M: Oh man, Jimmy Kimmel, you SLAY me!
Wanker: Alright, I'm going to really quickly list off some names that no one cares about. Eric Fag (?), James Liar (?), Amy GOTEM (?),
A: Uh, Hitler, uh, Donald Trump, uh, Satan, uhhhh
M: "Stalin, Himmler. Everybody- Everybody, give it up to Himmler!" And then everyone starts clapping, "Give it up to Himmler guys!"
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH
A: I was snubbed!
A: I'd just like to say that this was all a lie, I actually directed the Bye Bye Man and the director of the Bye Bye Man actually directed La La Land.
You've all been duped, and that was really the ultimate message we wanted to share, of just how shallow and easily manipulated Hollywood is, so
Uh, everybody go fuck yourselves, thank you, good night.
Thanks Casey!
M: Casey Tatum.
A: GOTEM
A and M: *high pitched squeaks*
*vomits*
*various vomit noises*
*Meryl Streep sings like a cat being fucked with a sandpaper condom*
*smooch*
*cat fucking continues* A: This movie looks annoying.
*cat fucking culminates into one final screech*
*audience laugh* A: That movie doesn't look good.
M: I break up with YOU.
A: I break up with you Peter.
M: I break up with you Pe.
A: La La Land's got it. M: Yeah? A: We all know.
A: THE BYE BYE MAN!
Guy: And the Academy Award
*awkward pause*
(Sad music plays)
Lady: La La Land! M: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
M: What was that? Could he not suddenly read? I don't know. Whatever, fuck it.
A: I think he was trying to be funny. But maybe he was actually having a stroke.
La La Land Bloke: Guys, guys, I'm sorry, no, there's been a mistake. Moonlight, you guys won Best Picture.
*audience kind of applaud, confused*
LLLB: This is not a joke. A: What?
M: Yeah, she- she was literally- A: THEY WHAT?
WAIT, LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENING
LLLB: This is not a joke. Moonlight has won best picture.
A: WHAT
A: They read the wrong thing?
M: What the fuck? A: This is so funny, what the hell?
M: No, oh no! A: That's so funny!
A: Oh my god. Hilarious! M: What was that?
M: Oh my god. A: OHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS STEVE HARVEY TWO POINT OHHHHHHHHHH
A: OH SHIIIIIIT M: Oh no, he looks a little mad. He looks a little bit... peeved.
A: Ohhhh myyyyyyy goodddddd. M: I'm cringing. A: CRINGE TOMORROW
M: Oh fuck me A: Oh, front page here we go! This is so funny.
M: What a fucking shitshow!
M: I- A: This is a disaster.
M: This was going just fine, like this was the most standard Oscars ever.
Jimmel Kix It: But the good news is we got to see some extra speeches,
M: Oh, WHAT WAS THAT A: AH, the mic, whoosh whoosh
A: The mic committed suicide.
A: That was fucked up, oh my god.
M: I'm just- A: They let it go on for too long.
M: The, oh fuck, A: Here's to the ones who DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM
A: Oh, nope, sorry, your award is taken away, sorry.
It was actually Moonlight. M: The fucking- A: Goodbye, sorry.
M: That was- A: Here's to the ones who dreeeeeam
M: That was almost as tragic as, fucking, uh, Micheal Keaton.
A: It's almost as tragic as 9/11. If we're being perfectly honest.