- Our dating profiles leaked online once again.
So, you know, we're gonna clear the air
we're just gonna talk about 'em
and show it all here ourselves
and they're definitely real.
Nobody else wrote this to try to roast us.
- I'm really scared.
- Me too, Amanda.
You should be most scared. You're engaged.
- Oh!
- [Group] Oh!
- Before we begin, I think we should acknowledge
that this is a brand new set.
(all cheering)
- Fireplace!
- Yeah. I'm gonna start. So here we go.
Okay, here's one of my first pictures.
Yeah, so there we go. "The Bradleys".
And so I kind of thought we'd do a, God damn it.
I just saw it.
- Took me a minute too.
- It took me, I thought I was like, yeah
so they're all me, but they're not all me.
- No, they are not.
- So I think we're kind of doing an Adam Sandler thing
for the most part.
Except I needed to figure
out who from "The Goldbergs" is not working.
(group laughing)
It's gonna be different, me playing different versions,
like different siblings and stuff.
- Would you ever go back to dark hair, brooding Shayne?
- No. Well, for this.
- [Damien] It's a mistake.
- For this, I will.
"It's a Bradley eat Bradley world."
- Wow.
Who gets eaten first?
- Oh, Jeff.
(group laughing)
Here's my bio.
"I play Matt Bradley on ABC's hit series, "The Goldbergs"
and the upcoming spinoff,
"The Bradleys", hasn't been picked up, but a boy can dream."
(group laughing)
Uh, yeah. You know, I'm working on that, so I'm writing it.
- So you're writing your next spinoff?
- I'm writing my own spinoff.
- [Amanda] Just you?
- That's how it is.
You gotta make your own way in Hollywood.
- It's like Nimoy in "Star Trek".
He's had to write his own movies.
- Shayne, I always thought Smosh was your plan B.
Are you telling us we're your plan C?
Because that one hurts my feelings.
- No.
- D?
- Yeah.
- That's a cool bio. So you're letting people
know that you are in the industry.
- That I'm in the industry.
And then I'm also, I got upcoming projects.
Okay, here's a prompt.
- [TV Announcer] Tonight on an all new episode of
"The Bradleys", Matt gets himself into a sticky situation.
- [Matt's Mom] Hurry up Matt Bradley,
you don't wanna be late for your first day of college
- [Matt] Be right there, mom.
Oh no! My foot got stuck in the toilet.
- [TV Announcer] It's like "The Goldbergs",
but funnier because it's Matt Bradley.
- [Matt] Wow. My first day of college.
Oh no! My foot got stuck in the toilet.
(toilet flushing)
- [TV Announcer] It's the comedy smash of the summer,
but it also has heart.
- [Matt's Grandfather] Thank you Matt Bradley for
seeing me one last time before I die.
But there's one thing I need to tell you
before I, oh no, I got my foot stuck in the toilet!
(group laughing)
- [Matt] Grandpa!
(toilet flushing)
- [TV Announcer] "The Bradleys", taking investors now.
- What?
- Dude, okay. [redacted] Erin the other day is like,
"Hey, can you film something?
It's for like a TikTok thing we're doing for social."
And has me be like, "I want you to say, can you say, 'Oh no
my foot got stuck in a toilet.'"
- And you just went with it?
- Of course. I just went with it.
We do [Redacted] like that all the time!
And here it was for this,
I didn't realize she was pranking me.
- She pranked you!
She also sounded great as a mom.
- Yeah. Erin, you could really, you got a career.
- If I was actually on Hinge I would put that on there.
- Yeah. Can you imagine?
- I would've actually put that on there
because that's really funny.
So yeah, I've had success.
(group laughing)
- Okay.
- Now here's some messages that I've had.
I open with, "Have you seen "The Goldbergs"?
And if so, is your favorite character friend
of one of the main characters, Matt Bradley?
And if so, madam, you're
in luck because I played Matt Bradley on "The Goldbergs".
Do you have any studio connects?"
So, and then they said,
"I work for Sherwin Williams" and I said,
"I love his movies. Can I send them my script?"
- That's funny.
- I'm always working.
So, this is the thing. You're probably thinking,
"Oh, I'm using this for networking.
I'm using this purely for business."
- You are.
- And I am. But it's also a trick
because I want women that I'm sending messages to
to think like I'm not interested in them.
Like I'm not romantically interested.
- What? All your messages seem very desperate.
Like, "Hire me. I need work."
- Well, but desperate for business, but not for sex.
- Yeah. Feigning disinterest is such a
tried and true classic.
- It absolutely is. I am someone who's so focused
on movies and never thinks about sex.
- I try to play so like cool and nonchalant.
I don't even download the apps.
- That's really smart.
- I'm like, you gotta [Redacted] find me.
- That's really smart. You might get some emails.
- Yeah. Don't email my business account on Twitter
for the love of God. People do it.
I hate it a lot.
- Well, that's my profile and
it's gotten me a lot of action.
So now it's time for Amanda's.
- Here we go.
Here are my dating profiles.
I'm really nervous right now because I'm getting married,
so no one else knows about this, but I'd like to share it
with my friends.
- Wow, that's crazy.
- Here's a pic. I love this pic to start it off.
(group laughing)
Where did you get that?
Where did you get that? This is how I wake up.
- It looks like you are a sugar daddy.
- Yeah, so this is how I get the ladies and the men
flowing, guys.
- You're missing the sunglasses
and then you could look
like any like really angry person on Twitter.
- Is that Zach or Cody?
(group laughing)
- Here's my bio:
"Listen, I get a lot of matches on here.
So only swipe if you're: rich and look like old Sheldon."
(group laughing)
What the, yeah, what do you guys think about this?
- I think Sheldon feels,
I feel bad for Sheldon once "Young Sheldon" came out.
Because that does imply the existence of an old Sheldon.
Which sucks.
- Do you think that they're gonna have an old Sheldon show?
- Oh, I hope so. But I hope it's the kid
from "Young Sheldon" 58 years from now.
- Oh God.
- Or they just do the, they age him like in post.
- And he's really short still.
And that's what I'm looking for.
And they have to be very, very rich.
Here's my prompt. "Dating me is like banana!"
(group laughing)
Guys, I'm gonna be honest.
I've never seen this movie.
- I'm gonna be really, I'm gonna be really honest.
Like a girl could look like Margot Robbie and be
like a lawyer and have the coolest interests.
But if she had that, I am absolutely not interested.
I cannot, I would never be able to get past that.
- Wait, why?
- "Dating me is like banana!"
I'd be like, "No, no."
- But Shayne you love, it's already a Monday.
It's already bananas.
They're making this perfect for you.
- No, that's insane.
- Listen, I have the body of a woman, but the mind
of a five year old boy. Okay?
- What?
- Banana! This is a DM that I got.
"Hello.", "Hey.", "You've charmed me."
Match: "Oh cool."
"Would you like to go out and get hot dogs?
I know this place that puts the mustard on before the dog.
I wonder if that makes it taste different.
LOL. Then we can go to my place, slug back some Barefoot
rosé and watch videos of people getting swept away by
rogue waves."
(group laughing)
- I will be 100% honest. I know I was saying I would swipe
like no on the minions thing.
If someone on a dating app messaged that to me
I think I would keep going.
- Really?
- I think because it's so insane
that I'd be like, this is funny. They're clearly joking.
Obviously if I found out they weren't,
if they weren't joking, then I'd be in terrible danger.
- Wait, you like Barefoot Rosé?
- I just think, I would think it's all a joke.
The "and watch videos of people are getting swept away by
rogue waves" is hilarious.
- I know when they're taking pictures, they're like,
"Yay, boom!"
Guys, that was my dating profile, pretty sick.
And now I'm gonna throw it over to Spencer.
- Woo!
- You know there's gonna be some [Redacted] up
[Redacted] on this one.
- [Producer] Before we begin, Spencer,
I hear you're banned on Tinder.
- It is true. I'm actually banned on Tinder.
- [Shayne] Wait, what?
- What did you do?
- All these girls, they would have
in their profile it would say like Melissa, age 24.
And then in their profile it would be like
"I'm actually like 19." And I guess,
because they would make the profile when they were younger
and then as they would get older they had to
like finally be like, "Hey, I'm actually this age."
And then, so for me, I, like wrote Spencer
and it was like age whatever, 20 something.
I was like, "Oh, I'm actually 12" in my bio.
And immediately like, okay, not immediately
but like within 10 minutes it was like, you are hard banned.
Like you are like
you can literally never come back on the app.
Like your phone number's banned. Your email's banned.
- Whoa. Wait, that sucks.
You're never gonna find love.
- I know.
So yeah,
let's check out the pic I usually like to lead with.
This usually gets me a lot of likes.
- [Amanda] This is what a feminist looks like.
- [Shayne] That's awesome. That's awesome.
- That's actually pretty cute.
- People see that and they're like
"This is what a feminist looks like."
You know, they feel safe. They frankly feel safe.
Look how safe Jackie looks in the back there.
- She's so far away from you.
- She's standing over six feet away.
- She's so far away.
- Yeah. And here's my bio:
"Looking for my pig titty gamer girl.
(group laughing)
- Did you mean to write that?
Did you misspell anything or was that on purpose?
- No, I'm a fan of pig titties.
- [Shayne] That's awesome.
- Please explain a pig titty to me.
- Is it it like the eight?
You're looking for eight teets or like?
- Tell me what a pig titty is.
- Yeah what's a pig titty?
- Look, if you don't know then
you're probably not gonna like, enjoy my profile.
- And what kind of games?
- I mean, I think most pig titty gamer girls
play the same kind of games.
- [Damien] Which is?
- Which is [Inaudible].
- Okay, there you go.
- I need an image of a pig titty.
- Yeah. I don't want to, I don't wanna leave this.
What's a pig titty?
- It's a pig titty gamer girl.
Why are you so hung up on this?
- Guys, it's a pig titty.
Just relax.
- Okay. Just chill out.
Everyone chill the [Redacted] out.
Everyone stop.
You know, here's one of the prompts.
This, you know, it's to get the conversation rolling.
Mm. What I order for the table, "A woman's right to choose
and I don't order it. I demand it.
#BossBabesOnly #OprahWinfrey."
(group laughing)
- You know, they're multifaceted hashtags
and if you click the hashtags, you know
it takes you to like my linktree which like,
is where you can donate to like any of these funds.
- Linktree. Funds for what?
- [Shayne And Spencer] For women.
(group laughing)
- Frankly, just women. Here's some DM's.
You know, I'm being vulnerable putting these up
but you know, here's a leaked conversation.
So I said, "Want to come
over and look at my creamy keyboards?"
My match said, "They're creamy?"
I said, "No, no, they sound creamy."
She said, "What does creamy sound like?"
I said, "Talking about keyboards is getting me creamy."
- Oh.
- Frankly they unmatched. You know, it was good.
I'm glad that they communicated in that way.
- [Amanda] Sure.
- Yeah. I was gonna say keyboards are literally a tool
for communication and if they're not down with that,
like actually I'm with you.
I'm with you.
- A creamy board.
- No.
- This is one that, I don't know if this is fake
or not, because you have talked about owning a lot of
keyboards.
- You know, I think you guys, I think you get my vibe?
- Oh, we get your vibe.
- Yeah, we get it, man.
- And so I would like you guys to see Damien's profile.
- It is leaked. As the last one to go,
I feel like this is all gonna be really good.
So let's go.
I'm pretty modest, but I think I look okay.
So let's start with the pic that I use usually.
You know, I'm "Showing off my rizz.
I learned from the best Mr. Damien Haas."
So why not show what I have created?
I am a creative individual and I've made Spencer
into what he is today.
Is this a Red Vines household?
No, we're all about 'rizzlers.
- Are you catfishing people?
- I mean, look, there's a cat in there.
Yes. But I wouldn't call Spencer a fish
of any kind except for a clownfish because he's so funny.
And we found Nemo, am I right?
Time for bio. "I'm Spencer, I'm hot,
and I love anime, but not as much as Damien Haas.
Damien Haas is epic."
- [Shayne] Interesting.
- So at this point you may be
questioning what the [Redacted] am I doing?
(group laughing)
Obviously, you know, I think people have been catfishing
in the same way for a long time
and I'm kind of trying to like do like a catfish reduction
of like, "What is catfishing?"
Like a little balsamic catfish reduction.
So yes, I'm catfishing, but in favor of myself.
So I'm catfishing as my own wingman.
So I don't know if you know much about crypto,
but it very much works the same way.
I have you talk about me.
The wealth, in this case matches, comes to me.
We burn down the rainforest.
- Yes, yes. You have a factory somewhere
with a million fans and PC's going.
- Yeah. Prompt:
My mantra is https://www.twitch.tv/damienhaas.
- Wow.
Who needs a creamy keyboard when you have that?
- Yeah, well you watch it and you're gonna have one.
- Cream time!
- Here's my ideal day. I just want you to listen to it.
Really take it in.
- [Spencer] Probably hanging out with my buddy Damien
who is epic and cool.
- Erin got me with that so long ago.
I had almost totally forgotten about it.
Damn, y'all are thinking ahead.
I no longer doubt this business.
(group laughing)
- I've been feeling a little lonely lately.
Could we just play that again, just for like fun?
- [Amanda] Yeah, that was great.
- [Spencer] Probably hanging out with my buddy Damien
who is epic and cool.
- Wait, wait. Who do you hear at the beginning of it?
It's not Spencer.
- [Spencer] Probably hanging out with...
- Now.
(group laughing)
- Y'all slide him a DM or two.
Let's see what happened to you.
Match says "You're cute."
I say, "Thanks mommy. I mean mommy. I mean mommy.
I mean mommy. I mean mommy. I mean mommy.
I mean mommy. I mean, ah, mommy.
Sorry. That was my friend Spencer.
Wait, I'm Spencer.
Have you played Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes?"
- Nice.
- Unmatched.
- See, but you might think that they unmatched
with me.
That is me emphasizing that that game is unmatched
in quality.
Which it really, it's really good.
The voice acting is [Redacted] incredible.
- Is that what you think when everyone unmatches you?
- Many would say that Fire Emblem: Three Hopes is kind
of the video game equivalent to "The Bradleys".
Something that is just incredible.
Well, y'all, what can I say?
That was our dating profiles.
We came clean. There it is. So it goes.
If you wanna see the last version
of this that we did, it's on screen right now.
- Bye
- Bye.
- Bananas!
- Bananas. Oh no. My foot got stuck in the toilet!