- So 2017 ends tomorrow
and every year I like to do a recap of the year
on what happened and how I felt
but I didn't want this review to just be a montage
of my highlight reel because I've done that in the past
and I just wanted to push myself and create something new
and most importantly, something that was honest.
So here we go.
This time last year was crazy.
I was scratching milestones off,
I was getting closer with my circle
and I just got engaged to my soulmate.
Sparks were off the roof, energy was high
and I truly felt like I was on the top of the world
but as always, I felt this anxiety,
this feeling that told me that things
were too good to be true
and that I would eventually lose it all.
So I did what I do best when I feel anxious.
I kept myself as busy as I possibly could.
I put a lot of energy into my channel
and of course I focused a lot of energy on my relationships.
I'll start with my family first.
As I get older, I realize how important
my connection with my family is.
I made it a resolution to see my parents as often as I could
even if I just dropped down for dinner.
I cherish my oma and opa with all my heart
and I think I appreciate them a lot more now
because we've never had a relationship like this.
When I was younger, I didn't really see my parents that much
because they were always working
and today I feel such a strong connection with them
and I owe them everything.
Even with my big brother,
I didn't talk to him much growing up
but this year, we are also the closest we've ever been
in our entire lives.
It almost feels like I'm discovering a long lost sibling
and it's so cool getting to respark
what I thought were dead nerves.
A highlight of 2017 was when my family met Ben's family
for the first time
and this was one of the most nerve-racking moments.
I asked myself, would they get along,
what do we even talk about
but we powered through and we had the dinner
and like most things in life, it worked out.
It wasn't at all like the negative story
I painted in my head.
We laughed, we ate and it's a dinner that I'll never forget.
Throughout middle school and high school,
I always longed for that perfect group of friends,
a magical ride or die group
where you just did everything together
but I always just kind of floated around
from group to group.
I'm in my late 20s now and it trips me out
that I have finally found my circle.
I have an individual relationship
with each one of these people
and I would do anything for them.
This year, I learned what I want in a friendship
and how I can be a great friend back
by listening, reaching out, asking questions
and by always making time for them.
I feel like time is the biggest gift you can give someone.
Every time I hang out with my friends,
I feel full, I feel acknowledged, I feel safe.
I feel so lucky that we get to live
this crazy life together.
Like Christopher McCandless said,
"happiness is only real when shared."
(calm music)
Then we have Ben.
Wow.
Where do I even begin?
He is the love of my life, my soulmate, my future husband
and getting to travel and work together as a duo
has been such a gift.
His videography and photography has evolved
and it's a point where Ben now knows more
about camera equipment than I do.
It's very impressive.
This year, we moved out of our apartment
and bought a beautiful home in LA.
I guess all that saving definitely paid off
and I'm so happy to be living here with my man
and our darling Cheeki.
Ben and I made it to our three year anniversary this year
and it was a huge deal for me
because it officially marked my longest relationship ever.
My past relationships would always kinda crumble
around the two year or the two and a half year mark
and I almost felt like it was some sort
of weird curse that I had.
So it was a big deal when Ben and I passed that
and I know we're gonna last
because I'll do anything in my power to make this work.
After I got engaged, I became very introspective.
I started to reflect and I wanted to finally address things
I've been desperate to fix about myself.
We all have our inner demons and issues we need to work on
and before Ben and I tie the knot,
I wanted to focus on how I could be my best self for us.
So this year, I focused on my relationship with myself.
I started to do things that I've always wanted to do
so I got my first tattoo in New York.
I feel like the design really mirrored
what I wanted to focus on this year.
In August, I launched my clothing line, Eggie
which is freaking crazy.
This is something that I've been working on
on the down low the entire year
so when it finally launched, it felt so cathartic
and the day of my launch was so beautiful.
I was truly touched by all my loved ones that showed up
and it meant the absolute world to have their support.
Since then, I've had three drops
and each one of them had me step out of my comfort zone.
I love the fact that I get to collaborate with my friends
with each collection and I'm so blessed
to have my whole Eggie team working on this with me
but as I was piling more and more onto my plate,
the stress began to consume me.
I actually had a few meltdowns this year
where I felt shattered
and burnout to a point where I felt so much self-loathing.
This was the moment I had to take
my mental health more seriously.
One new habit I picked up was meditating.
It helps me slow down my racing thoughts,
forces me to focus on my breath and to be present.
I continue to exercise regularly
because whenever I'm in a mental funk,
I like to just sweat it out at the gym
and I feel like $100 after I leave
then I went to therapy for the very first time
and I stuck to it this entire year.
I've always struggled with my self-worth,
confidence, anger and depression.
Honestly, YouTube saved me.
When I first started, it was my outlet
where I felt like I could be myself
and share what I love to the world
but being on YouTube has its pros and cons.
I think after seven years of uploading
and living under somewhat of a microscope,
it makes you a target for praise and criticism
and honestly, on a rough day,
reading negative comments broke me
because when you are your own biggest critic,
your entire soul aches when other people pick you apart.
It reinforces this horrible thought
that the negative stuff that they're saying is the truth
and I knew I had to get help.
I have a much better understanding of why I am the way I am
and I'm developing a thicker skin.
There's still so much left to improve
but honestly, I am miles and miles better
where I first started and I feel so proud.
I never wanna stop creating videos though
because this is what brings me joy.
I love being able to express myself through visuals
and sharing stories through the screen
and my favorite is getting your feedback.
Whenever I upload a video and I read your guys' comments,
I get so happy and I can't even begin to explain
how surreal it feels when I meet you guys in real life.
It honestly is very overwhelming
because I look at myself and I think,
why would anyone even show up for me
and so it's been really nice
to have other people that believe in me
when I don't believe in myself sometimes.
You guys make it all worth it for me
and I wanna thank you guys from the bottom of my heart.
I learned a huge lesson this year
and that's to never be afraid of peaking
because it doesn't exist.
Every year is completely different than the last
and I feel like you always have different milestones
and different struggles
and I feel like that's how life levels up
and so I don't think it's fair
to compare your past self to the present
and I always want to be happy
and comfortable with who I am right now
because I know that I'm trying my best
and every year I want to just get progressively better,
I wanna become more self-aware,
I want to be, I want to feel more safe and comfortable
and free to be myself wherever I go.
I feel like that's all what we want in life,
the permission to feel your authentic self
without the fear of judgment and I know I will get there.
I know you will get there if you're struggling with that
and yeah, I just wanted to share these things with you.
We are in this together.
I wanna wish you guys a beautiful new year.
It's 2018, baby.
Fresh new start and I'll see you guys in the next one.
Love you.
Bye.
(calm music)