- ♪ TODD GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW ♪
- IT'S REALLY BAD.
- ALLISON, RACHEL WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
- OH, THANKS, TODD. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME, RACHEL?
- UH, NO?
[TODD LAUGHING]
- I TOTALLY MADE IT UP.
I GOT HER!
DID YOU SEE THE LOOK
ON HER [BLEEP] STUPID, PREGNANT FACE?
"WHAT DO YOU WANT, RACHEL?"
SHE DON'T WANT ANYTHING!
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE WORST MOTHER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK TO YOUR CUBICLE?
YOU'RE THE MOST GULLIBLE PERSON I'VE EVER SEEN!
WHY WOULD I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT RACHEL WANTED TO TALK TO YOU?
YOU'RE A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE FOR YOUR UNBORN BABY!
- ♪ TODD GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW ♪
ALL: IT'S TODD GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW.
- IT'S REALLY BAD.
[POLICE SIREN]
- THE [BLEEP]'S THIS, THE MILLION MAN MARCH?
PUT YOUR HANDS AGAINST THE CAR, EVERY ONE OF YOU.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
PUT YOUR HANDS AGAINST THE CAR.
I'M NOT [BLEEP] AROUND.
YEAH, YOU CAN HELP ME BY SHUTTING THE [BLEEP] UP.
THIS ISN'T A MOVIE THEATER, ARSENIO.
HEY, ANDRE 3000,
PUT YOUR [BLEEP] HANDS ON THE CAR.
- MAN, I'M CLEAN, MAN. - YEAH, WHAT'S THIS?
- IT'S MY WALLET.
- YEAH, I BET THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT.
LOOK AT THIS [BLEEP] ASHY MOTHER[BLEEP].
HOW MANY PRE-PAID MINUTES YOU GOT ON HERE?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE DRINKING SOMETHING PURPLE?
WHAT'D YOU SAY? - YOU NEED A BREATH MINT.
- YEAH?
[BLEEP] JUST GOT REAL, DIDN'T IT MOTHER[BLEEP]?
YOU GOT SOME [BLEEP] DUMB COMMENT
YOU WANNA SAY NOW, MOTHER--
HA, I CAN'T DO IT.
YOU'RE ON MY AWFUL PRANK SHOW.
I'M TODD GLASS. I'M A COMEDIAN.
IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL GUN.
I SMOKE TOO MUCH POT TO BE A REAL COP.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR DUMB FACES.
A CITY COP WOULDN'T EVEN WORK THIS BEAT.
IT'S AN UNINCORPORATED AREA.
THAT'S WHAT SHERIFFS DO, YOU PILE OF [BLEEP].
YOU THINK I'M STUPID ENOUGH TO HARASS FOUR BLACK GUYS?
ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO WEAR THE FUNNY HATS LIKE THAT
WITH THE [BLEEP] ON THE BACK?
YOU THINK I'M A [BLEEP] DUMB COP,
I'M GONNA RISK MY LIFE FOR STRANGERS?
I WOULDN'T TAKE A BULLET FOR MY [BLEEP] MOM.
I'M A WORKING COMEDIAN WITH A PODCAST.
WOULD A COP HAVE $700 IN CASH ON HIM?
I DON'T THINK SO.
GOOD TIMES, HUH? GOOD TIMES.
ALL: IT'S TODD GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW.
FINALLY, WE DON'T USUALLY DO ANYTHING SINCERE,
BUT TONIGHT THERE'S SOMEONE IN OUR AUDIENCE
I WANNA INTRODUCE. THIS IS BECCA.
HER AND HER HUSBAND ARE BOTH BIG FANS OF THE SHOW.
HE'S NOT HERE, BECAUSE HE'S SERVING OUR COUNTRY OVERSEAS.
YEAH, THAT'S NICE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?
WORK FOR TIME WARNER?
WELL, BECCA, WE'VE GOT A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR YOU.
- OH, MY GOD! - ALL: OH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [SNICKERS]
YOU ARE A STUPID PILE OF [BLEEP]!
I'M A COMEDIAN! MY NAME'S TODD GLASS!
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR DUMB FACE!
"OH, MY HUSBAND'S HERE."
HE'S NOT [BLEEP] HERE, YOU MORON!
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
ALL YOU [BLEEP] IDIOTS ARE ON MY AWFUL PRANK SHOW.
THIS SHOW DOESN'T AIR TILL APRIL FOOL'S DAY.
DON'T YOU DUMB MOTHER[BLEEP] KNOW HOW TELEVISION WORKS?
SHE'S AN ACTRESS. HER HUSBAND ISN'T A SOLDIER.
SHE'S A LESBIAN FROM STUDIO CITY!
- I'M NOT EVEN WEARING A WEDDING RING,
YOU DUMB [BLEEP]!
- SHE'S NOT EVEN A GOOD ACTRESS.
HER EMOTIONS WERE FORCED AND INAUTHENTIC.
DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO THAT TO A SOLDIER'S WIFE?
I EVEN HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT! I'M AN AUTHOR!
- ♪ IT'S TODD GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW ♪
-♪ "TODD GLASS'..." ♪ -SUBTLE.
♪ "...PRANK SHOW" ♪
IT'S REALLY SUBTLE.
THAT'S NOT REGULAR SOY SAUCE. THAT'S LOW SODIUM SOY SAUCE.
I SWITCHED THE LIDS.
I'M COMEDIAN TODD GLASS.
YOU'RE ON MY SUBTLE PRANK SHOW.
IT LACKS THE FLAVOR AND PUNCH OF YOUR TRADITIONAL SOY SAUCE,
YOU [BLEEP] MORON!
WELL, LOOKS LIKE I JUST ADDED TWO YEARS TO YOUR LIFE,
YOU DUMB SOY-LOVING IMBECILE!
STUPID! STUPID!
IT'S REALLY SUBTLE.
YOU SMELL THAT?
I SPENT 7 1/2 HOURS LAST NIGHT REPAINTING YOUR ENTIRE OFFICE.
IT'S ONE SHADE LIGHTER.
[ LAUGHS ]
HOW DID YOU DIPSHITS NOT NOTICE
THAT YOUR WALLS WENT FROM EVENING MOSS TO TUSCAN GRAY?
NOTHING? OH! OH! I JUST WALK AROUND!
OH, I DON'T NOTICE ANYTHING!
THANK JESUS THAT YOU DON'T WORK AT MY LOCAL SHERWIN-WILLIAMS!
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
ARE YOU COLORBLIND OR JUST A HUGE SACK OF SHIT?!
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU'RE SUCH A NARCISSIST!
YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING BUT YOU.
I HOPE EVERYBODY YOU LOVE EITHER DIES OR LEAVES YOU!
IT'S REALLY SUBTLE.
THERE WERE NEVER ANY CUPCAKES THERE.
I PUT AN EMPTY TRAY ON THE TABLE.
IT'S WEDNESDAY!
WHO THE [BLEEP] BRINGS IN CUPCAKES ON A WEDNESDAY?!
"NOBODY" IS THE ANSWER. [ LAUGHS ]
I HAVE A NETFLIX SPECIAL.
PEOPLE BRING ME CUPCAKES.
I'M NOT MAKING BAKED GOODS
FOR WHATEVER THE [BLEEP] YOUR NAME IS.
I DRIVE A JEEP WRANGLER
THAT MY VERY SUCCESSFUL ACTOR FRIEND IS LOANING ME!
BY THE WAY, THOSE CRUMBS ARE NOT EVEN FROM CUPCAKES.
THEY'RE FROM MUFFINS!
THIS WHOLE OFFICE IS FULL OF [BLEEP] IDIOTS!
GET THE [BLEEP] OFF!
-♪ "TODD GLASS'..." ♪
-SUBTLE. ♪ "...PRANK SHOW" ♪