what my middle aged uniform is going to be.
You know what I mean?
Like I think we can ll agree that
at different parts of our life,
we have like a basic uniform.
A silhouette.
We wear the same thing over
and over until something drastic happens.
Like a job.
And then we're like oh I guess I'll wear socks now
or whatever, you know.
So I'm trying to figure out
what my middle aged uniform is going to be.
I mean I know right now I'm giving you,
rum spring of realness.
None out on the town.
I don't know if I'm going to stick with this you know.
But I can't do my young girl uniform anymore
which was just body glitter and prayer.
(audience laughing)
And I can't do my old lady uniform yet
but I know what it's going to be and I'm very excited
about it.
I'm going to be,
do you guys know the old lady that wears a cloak?
Do you know what I eman?
She's about yah tall,
shaved head,
statement earrings.
She's wearing a cloak and she's got a walking staff
with tigers eye on the top of it.
(lady cheering)
All right,
she's at all of the art openings
but is she an artist?
Nobody's ever seen her work.
It's going to be me,
I cannot wait.
Just going to show up to the function.
Dripping in turquoise,
I've got a hedgehog with me for no reason.
(audience laughing)
I can't wait,
my Amazon cart looks crazy right now.
(audience laughing)
Nothing but sticks and gems,
let's do this shit.
Let's do it oh my gosh.
One thing about being middle aged is I don't have
to worry about getting murdered anymore.
Yeah nah,
that's a young girls game.
(audience laughing)
I don't have to worry about that.
I'm moving more into grifter territory.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean,
I got to worry about scams.
It's so strange
that these people think
that they can get my money
when I don't even have my money.
You understand?
What are coming for my friend?
Have a seat Dirty John,
we'll just wait here together.
(audience laughing)
I don't have it.
I have no money,
I spent it all on self-care items that I don't know
how to use.
I have built the world's jankiest spa
in my bedroom.
You know what I mean?
If you were to go into my bedroom right now
and you did this with your arm,
here are the self-care items you would knock over.
First, you would notice that my bedroom is tiny.
You may have also just accidentally unlocked
my front door.
Quit flailing about,
just stand still but if you can't
and you do this,
here's what you're going to knock over.
You're going to knock over a personal humidifier, yes?
Yes, in these dry times,
you got to have one, right?
You'll knock over an oil diffuser.
Now that's different from a humidifier
but you have to have it
because the oils are essential.
(audience laughing)
Need 'em to live,
need 'em to live.
You'll knock over some Chinese herbs
that I have take to get my Chi moving.
You'll knock over the remnants
of a shrimp quesadilla
which is probably what blocked up
my Chi to begin with.
(audience laughing)
I shouldn't be eating that so late,
I am Chi intolerant.
I should not be eating that.
You'll knock over like three
or four different lotions
of various thicknesses based on the time of year.
A bottle of water that I think has been blessed
that I'm supposed to drink every morning
and every night.
I haven't even opened that bitch yet.
(audience laughing)
You know what,
from what I can tell,
self-care is about being as moist as possible.
Like I want to be damp to the touch,
just wet all over.
I can't even force all that water down.
We're not using straws anymore,
I don't know what to do.
What am I supposed to do?
Spent all my money on that stuff.
I'm spending my money on tagetted adds.
Look man I paid a lot for my phone
and it's listening at all times.
So if it thinks I need this,
what am I going to do,
argue with Apple?
That's illegal.
(audience laughing)
Can't do that anymore.
So I'm looking at what,
there's so many targeted adds
and they're just,
ladies, did we know there were
so many bra companies?
Are you getting all of these adds?
So many bra companies out here
and dudes I know you're not
but if your phone is at all
on right now I just said bra companies twice.
They will start in the morning,
I'm so sorry
but pick a color my man,
pick a color.
You have to.
I'm looking at what these bra adds say they can do
with just elastic and I call bullshit.
There's no way,
there no way.
I don't know what's going on with these young women.
Where you all think you're too good for underwire.
But I'm going to tell you this,
I got iron under my titties
my momma had iron under her titties,
her mamma had iron,
do you understand what I mean?
It's a generational thing.
You'll are out here all free
and easy with your feminism
and now Pittsburgh's gone.
You did that.
You wiped out an entire steel town.
The whole thing.
Do not fact check me,
just trust and believe,
trust and believe.
And they're all called ette,
bralette.
Ette?
These are not ette titties.
These are harder titties,
I need a braer.
How many hooks are we talking about?
Three?
Get the (bleep) out of here.
I need enough hooks to come around and make a hoodie.
Do you see what I mean?
I need an AC unit in the back.
I need an exhaust fan out the front.
I need one of those car Pine tree air fresheners
just swinging in the middle.
(audience laughing)
Got a lot of needs,
elastic is not going to cut it.
I will tell you this,
I will tell you this before I go.
I will tell you this fun fact
about titties because
who doesn't love facts, okay.
(audience laughing)
If you are the type of person who is
so inclined to wear lipstick.
Your perfect shade is
the color of your areola. (audience laughing)
(hand smacking)
It's literally
why I got into comedy.
(audience laughing)
Just to tell you people about your bodies.
I know that seems insane
but the way my shit's set up I can lift one
and do a side by side comparison.
And it turns out it is exactly right.
I don't know what that means
for those of you
with those translucent nipples,
I guess just a little gloss.
(audience laughing)
But it has streamlined a lot for me.
I've thrown out most of my lipsticks and I'm
just looking for a shade called ashy or anything.