- All right, guys, let's play a game of charades.
I'm gonna go first.
You have to guess what I'm doing.
All right, ready?
All right, here we go.
I'm showing up a year late to a trend,
right on brand, baby.
(beeping)
(intense rock music plays)
You know, over the months,
I've seen some one-offs on Twitter
and Instagram, these down bad posts, right.
But I've never had the good fortune
of just diving in
and sucking off the teat of sadness
that permeates from the pores of these losers
that have the misfortune of getting screen shotted
and put on blast for all of us to laugh at on the internet.
You know, after a tough day,
you just had a goal of it and you're not feeling good.
It's great to just sit down and log onto the internet
and realize there's tons of people out there
down way worse than you are.
For instance, ladies and gents,
I just made out with a girl.
It was a Redditor in our chat and yes,
that counts 11 out of 10 would recommend, would do it again.
Wait, in Reddit or real life?
In Reddit.
She lives away from me, so chat is all we got.
(laughing)
Listen, I would feel sadder for this dude
if we weren't culturally on a fast track
to like living life in the meta verse.
So this dude right here is ahead of his time.
I'm just saying,
but it's still early to the point where you're not-
You don't wanna be bragging about it.
If you're making out with your iPad girlfriend,
you don't wanna be bragging about that just yet.
But in five years,
you can catch me on the top of the Eiffel tower,
in VR, of course,
making out with my wife who-
(laughing)
I'm just kidding, I'm married, I would never.
What brings you on?
I want to call people and talk dirty.
I can see that you searched for normal guy selfies.
Ugh.
On a scale from one to 10, I mean,
this guy is absolutely a 10 out of 10,
just a normal guy, right?
Like the thinly trimmed beard,
just everything about them screams normal,
but that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?
This girl's probably one of those girls
that thinks she's extra quirky.
Like I'm quirky, so I need a quirky dude.
So he needs either like, you know,
like one of these bull, like nose rings things,
or maybe,
you know,
like a couple of cheek piercings or something
to show that he's a little bit edgy.
One of these girls, you know.
But if you do send a selfie right after saying,
"I wanna talk dirty",
at least include like some nipple hair
or like pull this down
and get a little bit of chest hair
flowing out of the top of the shirt.
That just is not-
That's not appealing to anybody.
Girl, guy, doesn't matter.
So you free at six?
Yes.
Don't mind me asking, but can you send me a mirror pick?
I couldn't tell how tall you are from your Tinder.
I'm 5'11".
Oh, no, I'm used to being with taller guys.
My old boyfriend could literally carry you around
like his little Chihuahua.
Listen, 5'11" is not tall at all.
This guy is an absolute squirt and he's not kidding.
I wouldn't know what it's like to be below six feet.
I had a growth spurt when I was like seven
and I was taller than all my fucking
little league baseball coaches.
Couldn't be me, being short.
Just sounds absolutely awful.
Bro is about to become a misogynist.
'Cause that girl couldn't-
She didn't have to do him like that.
5'11" is not really that short.
Okay, sarcasm aside,
that's like a very-
Even an above average height, I might go as far as to say.
Gabby, what a hot little name,
same name as my Guinea pig actually,
turns me on a little extra.
Okay.
I'm giving this dude points for creativity, right?
Like, unless he's actually serious.
If you're-
I don't know the ecosystem.
Cause I'm-
I'm like a little bit older
than when online dating really started to explode, right?
So I never really did it,
but I imagine people these days
who are swiping left a hundred thousand times a day,
you're in DMs with like a billion different people.
It's all about how you come up
with the most creative one-liner
to catch someone's attention.
'Cause the old shit, like, just like, smiley face,
"Hey, what's going on?"
That shit doesn't work anymore.
You gotta be talking
about getting turned on by your Guinea pig
to just get a reaction out of Janice on Tinder.
'Cause she's had 300,000 guys text her that she's beautiful.
She's just desensitized at this point.
But listen, if you're not as creative as our friend here,
no worries.
You can still succeed on Tinder.
You just gotta have a nice outfit in your profile picture,
perhaps something
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Thank you guys so much for listening
and also,
you're welcome.
Never forget when Blac Chyna tattooed
Future's name on her hand,
trying to flex that they were dating
and Furure tweeted this five seconds later,
single and focusing on what makes me happy.
You never know what the "furure's" are gonna do.
PS5 time schedule.
Oh no, bro.
This is gonna get ugly.
Foot rub, 30 minutes of playing time.
Back rub, 40 minutes.
Cook dinner, you get an hour.
No online though, 'cause you know you drag it on
when you're playing with your boys.
Take out the trash, one game of 2K only,
you shitty anyways.
Clean the house equals two hours of playing time.
Must take 30 minute break for affection.
Bro, I-
Oh my God.
(heaving)
Oh.
Unlimited playtime on Sundays only!?
That's what I'm talking about, Sundays are for the boys!
No playtime on holidays, you sick fuck,
that's time for the family.
If violation of this schedule occurs,
your PS5 will be sold to Smart Pawn on Troost.
I don't know what the hell that shit is, but holy hell.
Imagine being married to someone like this,
the reason I bought a house that has my office
in a detached garage,
separate from the house
is because I can just tell my wife
that I'm working
and fucking rip League of Legends for like seven hours.
And no one has a fucking clue, let's go!
Listen, honey,
I'd be willing to give this list a shot,
but only if you adhere to my list
called the online shopping time schedule
where every one hour of online shopping
at target.com requires one unsolicited BJ.
Marriage gotta be a two way street.
Otherwise, I'm keeping the PS5
and selling you on Smart Pawn on Troost,
wherever the fuck that is.
I don't expect you to actually have a conversation with me.
Lots of lettuce.
In fact,
I literally know I'm not very attractive.
I literally just want your opinion on something.
If that's cool, it's nothing sexual or inappropriate.
I mean, that's how I've always opened my cold DMs
with girls over the years.
I don't see what's wrong with that?
I literally hate my life
and I'm literally so unattractive
and I can't believe you're literally
getting this message from me right now.
I promise I literally won't bother you, but I-
Maybe I was creeping on your pictures
and accidentally liked one
from two and a half years ago.
So I feel obligated to literally send you this message.
But what do you think about Muse?
Do you like them as a band?
Are you into English, um,
Pop rock.
Single nurse, 30, asks China to assign her a boyfriend
as a reward for helping Wuhan fight killer Corona virus.
Managers do shit differently over in China, I guess.
I don't know,
they got assigned boyfriend's over there and shit?
Like as rewards
for fighting killer viruses?
I'm intrigued.
Listen, I know a lot of dudes from Western culture
that would like to be awarded a girlfriend
for getting like a victory Royale or something.
So maybe we should cross culture
and things could start working out.
The cockapoo doesn't have much going for it.
The bird can't fly and can barely walk.
To attract females, the male will dig a hole
and sit in it, shouting loudly at any female passing by.
Rarely does this work,
So it waddles off to find a rock and has sex with it.
(laughing)
To attract females,
the male will buy a red bull vodka and sit by the bar,
shouting loudly at any female passing by.
Rarely does this work,
so it waddles off to find a hand
and has sex with that instead.
Typically it's his own.
Text me if anything, I'll be here, babe.
Rose emoji, since you don't like me anymore.
Sorry I wasn't the one, good guys always finish last.
(gagging)
Oh I can't even continue.
Oh I know dudes like this, they're the worst.
The self-loathing-
The self-loathing motherfuckers,
like, dude, no-
No broad wants a self-loathing, like, loser.
Just like-
Oh God.
Goodbye.
You screenshot to make fun of me with your friend.
Thought you was the one.
Now you just memory.
Tell my mama I love her.
Hi, this is Ian's mommy,
took his life two minutes ago.
Did he mean anything to you?
(laughing)
First of all, suspicion 100.
I love the caption.
Oh no my son died.
Hops on Snapchat.
(laughing)
Down posthumously.
(laughing)
Ah shit.
It's funny as hell.
Ian six feet down.
Oh man, the internet is undefeated.
Oh my God, absolutely brutal.
Crush just sent this to me
the day after I confessed to them.
Love you.
Fuck, wrong person.
OMG.
Lettuce, mayonnaise, onions.
No, sorry OMG, Bo, no.
Oh my God, so sorry.
Can you just imagine the flutter in his soul and his heart,
when he initially got that notification on his iPhone
and it said "love you" from his crush
the day after he confessed to her,
just complete transcendence from the physical world
into a moment of pure bliss
in what felt like heaven,
only to be followed up by an absolute train wreck disaster.
And all he could do was muster up a lettuce,
mayonnaise, and onions as his soul left his body.
Arthur posts "Reasons why I hate my life
and why my life is worse than yours".
18, no job, never had a girlfriend, virgin.
No first kiss, no girlfriends,
not a lot of friends, poor family,
fucked up childhood, bullied somewhat as a kid,
skinny as fuck, white as fuck,
not fit, not good looking.
Please try and tell me your life is worse than mine.
Arthur, I promise you,
no matter how bad you think your life is,
there's always somebody that has it way worse.
And it always comes down to your attitude and your outlook.
And let me tell you about a guy,
his name's Gary Vaynerchuk.
I want you to-
(laughing)
Arthur, perhaps you've heard of a guy named Dhar Mann.
I think you could really do well
by watching some of his inspirational videos.
Woe is me people are the fucking worst.
I get it, you're young, but like by 18, like come on.
This is what social media, man, is doing to people.
Everyone thinks their life sucks
and they fucking try to get a couple of brownie points
by posting some dumb like this on their story,
so they get sympathy from strangers.
It's just-
It's the saddest of all time and take control of your life.
Do something about it.
You're not in shape?
Go fucking work out.
Boo hoo, look at how fucking sad my life is.
Fucking do something about it, dude.
Do it, like, what, you think-
You think people on the internet give a fuck?
Like everyone else doesn't have their own problems?
Do something about it.
Sorry.
Sorry, Arthur, I know you're 18, buddy.
You'll grow out of it, you'll grow out of it.
Hi, is your name Megan?
If yes, well today's your lucky day.
Here you have the chance to possibly meet your soulmate.
I had a mystic reading two years ago
and I was told my soulmate's name was Megan.
So I took it upon myself to prepare for the future
and start the crazy adventure to find her.
Disclaimer, larger Megan's need not apply.
I was going to say, oh, that's so cute though.
But why is-
First of all, why is it fucking under a penguin?
Personally, I like my penguins husky as shit.
I like them to struggle when they waddle.
(honking)
Nice and rotund, right?
Nice and rotund, so I can just get under that fucking flap,
warm myself up right under that rotund Megan penguin fur.
Unvaccinated sperm available here.
Cash only.
Whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies, slow down.
Get in line.
He'll get to you eventually, okay?
Yeesh.
I regret breaking up with you.
Ex-girlfriend sends very awkward message to her old flame
after he wins the Olympic bronze in triathlon.
(gagging)
I mean, it's one thing to be a gold digger,
but to be a bronze digger.
If you come to play,
you better be playing for gold in my house bitch.
Sorry, I have a bit of a competitive streak.
It's been a real problem.
Sometimes it gets the better of me, I apologize.
Probably a lovely couple.
I hope they-
(gagging)
I hope they-
I hope they get back together.
What the actual fuck do you do
when someone you have liked for eight years
suddenly likes you back,
question mark times five.
Update, turns out it was some sicko prank
designed to fucking ruin me,
she planned with some of my not any more friends.
Man,
that is evil.
Sarcasm aside though,
this isn't that-
That's from a post from r teenagers.
That is some of the-
That is some of the saddest shit I've ever read.
Teenagers are absolutely vile and ruthless.
And I hope my man here, I just-
I just want him to bounce back,
him or her, I guess, it didn't say what it was,
but you got to use this type of thing as fuel
to look inward and boy does it sting like a bastard,
but you just use it as fuel to somehow better yourself,
go on to, you know, be successful at something,
get a hotter girlfriend than she ever was
or a hotter boyfriend than he ever could have been
and, you know,
the type of dudes that do this shit in high school,
they do these pranks as sicko pranks,
they always end up being the fucking dumb losers
later in life.
If I've learned anything,
as someone who's in my thirties now,
it's that most of the people that sucked,
or were like, they were cool and popular in high school,
that were dicks to like average people,
fucking turned out to be dog shit later in life, right?
And it was always like the nerdy geeks
that ended up getting into this niche
that made them like a million dollars.
They own a company, they're super successful.
So you just gonna wait, it's just a time game.
It's a waiting game.
Their life's gonna suck.
You're going to end up going on to do something fantastic,
would be my guess,
from what I've seen in my own personal life.
And while we're on some motivational shit,
if you're down bad right now,
you're feeling like you're at a place in your life
where you just-
You've been knocked down so many times,
and you're tired of having to lift yourself up.
It's exhausting.
You don't know if you can trek on any longer.
Just subscribe to my YouTube channel.
That's all you gotta do.
You won't be down bad any longer,
just hit that sub button, like the video.
It's not that difficult.
Honestly, if people knew how easy it was
to alleviate their problems,
it just takes a couple of clicks.
That's all.
And I do want to thank you as well
for joining me here today in this video,
it's always so appreciated
to have your time for a few minutes, every once in a while.
And as always, I look forward
to the next time you join me in the next video.
If you could do me one last favor,
stand up out of your chair.
Zip.
Pull those pants down and hip thrust
that motherfucking like button for me,
that would be majestic
and I will be in your debt.
I'll see you soon.
Peace.
("Views" by Leon Lush plays)