Are Soulmates Real And The Truth Behind Them
Do you believe that there’s someone out there for everyone?
By “someone”, we mean one person specifically; the belief that each and every person has
a perfect match somewhere out there, waiting to be brought together by fate or destiny.
This is the concept of the soulmate, and it’s a popular notion among hopeless romantics
everywhere: if you struggle with relationships, you might be inclined to believe that it’s
simply because you haven’t found “the one” yet, and once you do you’ll be on
your way to that perfect fairy tale ending.
But does “the one” really exist?
Is it healthy to pursue the idea that the perfect match really exists, or should you
follow the advice of musician Stephen Stills and “love the one you’re with”?
Today, Bestie is going to take a closer look at the idea of the soulmate.
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If fairy tales, popular love songs, and early 2000’s romantic comedies are to be believed,
your perfect match is out there somewhere in the world, waiting to be discovered.
People have been led to believe that the secret to a happy, healthy and lasting relationship
is simply a matter of finding the right person, and once you do, everything will just sort
of “click”.
According to data collected from a Marist poll, around 73 percent of Americans said
that they believe that soulmates exist.
But is there any truth behind this belief?
Well, sorry to burst your bubble, hopeless romantics, but according to many experts,
thinking of relationships as two puzzle pieces waiting to be fit together is not only reductive,
but also potentially harmful to your love life as a whole.
The idea of the soulmate and the hope of finding “the one” is what relationship expert
Gery Karantzas refers to as the “destiny relationship mindset” and warns us about
the dangers of placing unrealistic expectations on a hypothetical romantic partner.
According to Karantzas, people who believe in the destiny mindset when it comes to romance
have a tendency to hold potential partners to standards based on their own idealized
version of what “the one” should be; this leads to being less receptive to romantic
connections when the other person inevitably does not align with these unrealistic expectations.
In other words, believers in the destiny mindset won’t be satisfied with their love life
until they find “the one”, shooting down any real opportunities to form a meaningful
romantic connection because of the rigid criteria they’ve created for themselves regarding
what they think “the one” should look, act, or be like.
So what’s the takeaway from this information?
Are we saying that true love is a myth and you’re destined to a lifetime of loneliness?
Of course not!
Just because your soulmate isn’t actually out there waiting for you to bump into them,
that doesn’t mean that you can’t still find true love and become part of a happy
and healthy relationship.
But by holding out until you find someone who ticks off all the boxes on your romantic
checklist, you’re probably only setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and
lackluster dates.
In 1998, researcher C. Raymond Knee set out to study the impact of what the notion of
the soulmate has on people who believe in it, as well as the ways in which it affects
the relationships that these people form.
In his research, Knee outlined two particular schools of thought regarding love and relationships,
using them as two points to compare and contrast in his studies.
The first is the belief in “romantic destiny”: this is the belief in the soulmate, that certain
people are destined to be with each other and when they get together things will “just
work out” immediately.
The second school of thought highlighted by Knee is the concept of “relationship growth”:
this is the belief that claims that happy relationships are not found, but rather cultivated;
claiming that happy couples develop their relationships through hard work, communication
and cooperation over time.
According to Knee’s research: when it comes to potential partners, people who believe
in romantic destiny put the most value in initial signs of compatibility.
Since these people hold the belief that relationships are simply “meant to be”, they believe
that two people will either “click” in an instant or move on.
Because of this, people who believe in romantic destiny will be very happy in relationships
at first, but over time that happiness might start to fade as problems arise and the relationship
no longer lines up with the fairy tale version that’s in that person’s head: as a result,
these people will often leave the relationship, convinced that the other person simply wasn’t
“the one” and that they should keep looking until they find them.
In other words, people who believe in soulmates tend to have very few lasting relationships,
breaking things off as soon as things get even the slightest bit complicated or don’t
match with the “perfect” relationship they believe is out there waiting for them.
If any of your friends have ever described you as a “serial monogamist”, this mindset
probably applies to you.
By contrast, people who believe in the concept of romantic growth tend to see things differently.
Instead of trying to find the “perfect” match, these people look for compatibility
but also a willingness for growth and development.
Instead of abandoning ship at the first sign of trouble, these people work through conflicts
and other problems collaboratively with their partners, using a combination of cooperation
and compromise to build a stronger foundation for the relationship as a whole.
Because of this, people who focus on growth over destiny tend to have relationships that
are longer and more satisfying over time, as opposed to the passionate but brief romantic
encounters experienced by those searching for a soulmate.
In other words, people who believe in romantic growth view happy, lasting relationships as
something you make, not something you find.
According to Dr. Jeremy Nicholson, the soulmate mentality is ideal only for people who want
to experience short but passionate flings as opposed to lasting connections.
And, honestly, hey, if that’s you’re style, we’re not here to pass judgment.
However, if you really are serious about settling down and finding someone you can be happy
with for a long time, it might be time to start viewing your potential partners as real
people rather than boxes on a checklist.
As Nicholson puts it:
“Ultimately, no one is perfect - or a perfect fit for a partner.
It takes work, growth, and change to keep a relationship going and satisfying over time.
When that happens, soul mate believers often become upset, disillusioned, and uncommitted.”
Relationships are never going to be perfect.
They can be messy, complicated, and sometimes even frustrating.
But like anything else in life, the key to a strong, stable relationship is hard work,
communication and a willingness to open yourself up to personal growth.
But honestly, we’ve said all we have to say on the topic; now it’s time for us to
pass things over to you.
Do you agree or disagree with the points we’ve outlined in this video?
Do you still believe that soulmates exist?
What are your thoughts and opinions on relationships, and what do you think is the key to finding
true love?
We’d honestly love to hear your feedback and what you think on the subject, so be sure
to let us know in the comments section below, and help keep the conversation going.
And for all those hopeless romantics in your life, be sure to share this video with them
as well; they just might find this information helpful.