You cannot talk about narcissists without raising serious questions about emotions.
And love, being able to love someone, is something that most people think that it's easy to figure
out, that narcissists simply cannot love.
But their reality is a bit more complex than that.
And the problem is when some people think that you can be happy with a narcissist, or
they can be 'fixed', or they have spent years with one with no issues.
The best way to understand these circumstances is to take a look at what is going on inside
the narcissist's mind.
This video is going to have three parts:
- The Narcissist's missing piece - What are transactional relationships, and
- Can you be truly happy with a Narcissist?
Welcome back, my Body Language Buddies! my name is Jesús Enrique Rosas, I'm the Body
Language Guy, and it would be great if you join us... by just liking this video, subscribing
and hitting that bell.
Let's get down to it!
#1 The Narcissists' missing piece
When we question the ability of a narcissist to feel true love, we have to establish that
real love cannot exist without affection.
Without a bonding emotion between two people.
This bonding requires empathy, or the ability to identify and synchronize yourself with
the emotions of another person, something that the narcissist doesn't have.
That could lead us to say that they simply cannot feel real love, but it's not a good
idea to jump to that conclusion without first understanding a fundamental dynamic about
relationships.
And we are going to simplify this dynamic into two concepts.
Good times and hard times.
Every relationship is like a wave between these two states.
We go through good times, we go through hard times and sometimes we hit extremes such as
GREAT times and bad times, or blissful experiences and catastrophic meltdowns.
We all wish that relationships be happy all the time but that is just not possible because
there's always going to be some kind of friction between two people.
The way those two people are willing to know each other and acknowledge those friction
points early on is what sets a good shot at having a long term relationship.
Most of the time you discover those friction points along the road, because at first you
might be infatuated and really not notice them.
But when those bumps on the road appear, it's empathy or understanding each other's emotions
and points of view that let you negotiate those conflicts.
When I talk about friction, it can be anything from "I like pineapple pizza and you consider
it a crime", to "I like doing business and you like to help communities", or "I don't
want to have children and you want the whole basketball team".
It can be anything from desires, to preferences, to goals in life... anything.
We need to be sure of what we want for ourselves, and at the same time have the empathy to understand
what our partner wants.
And that's where narcissists fail because they first and foremost care about themselves.
They got no empathy to truly understand or identify you as a human being with emotional
needs.
But you might have experienced having a relationship with a narcissist that "wasn't that bad",
or know someone that seems OK with being in a relationship with one.
That's why it's important to understand that narcissists can be kind of stable in what
we call transactional relationships.
#2 Transactional relationships
And that's point number two.
A transactional relationship means that one or both of the parties are on it, only for
their own benefit.
A classic example that has existed for centuries but lately has become a meme is the sugar
daddy and trophy wife combo.
It's a relationship between two people that only do things to maximize their own benefit,
but there is no real emotional connection between them.
If both of them are aware of what they are getting into, and consent to that transactional
nature, then there should be no problem.
That's not illegal, or anything.
Only don't expect to have many blissful moments!
In fact, it's really common to find couples that choose to remain together even years
after there's no sign, nothing left of their original love.
A healthy, loving relationship degenerates into a transactional one.
What does all this have to do with Narcissists?
Well, they excel at transactional relationships.
That's the only way that they can have something close to normal with another person.
The huge problem is, that the narcissist will make sure the other person NEVER knows that
it's a transactional relationship.
That's why narcissists are so charming at first.
They love bomb you and make you feel in seventh heaven so you will have absolutely no doubts
that this is the real thing.
You'll feel like Bjork in that Spike Jonze videoclip.
You WILL feel loved, but the narcissist does this only because they need something in return.
Your admiration, your affection, sex of course, attention, time... because those are things
that they desperately need to fill the void they have inside.
You're just a source of supply, what I call the "gasoline" of the Narcissist.
And that's why it could be next to impossible to identify their true intentions because
they will do everything right.
Remember: Everything is for their own benefit.
For example, you want to have kids but the narcissist secretly doesn't want to.
But then they notice that people with children are treated differently by society, and they
say to themselves "I want that status.
I want that treatment", so they decide to have children only for personal gain.
And we could agree that any authentically loving parent would like their children to
have the best possible education.
Well, a narcissist will do anything to get their children into the best schools or universities
if that means earning bragging rights, so society praises them as great parents.
That sounds a lot like Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli.
That's why it's so difficult to be sure, even after you've found out that your partner is
a narcissist, if they are doing things for good itself, or for themselves.
Maybe body language could help, so remember that you can level up your skills reading
people like a book by downloading my body language book right on the description of
this video.
#3 Can you be happy with a Narcissist?
But really, can you be happy with a narcissist?
Becuse if they can do good deeds just for the sake of their own benefit and sometimes
really look like they care about their partner and family...
Why don't we hear more about success stories about relationships with them?
And this is when we combine both concepts so far.
The lack of empathy with the transactional nature of their relationships.
As long as you give the narcisisst their supply, as long as you go through "good times", you
will not notice any difference with a healthy relationship.
But the moment the ship swings into hard times, the narcissist is not going to have the empathy,
much less the willingness to understand and cooperate.
They will still demand what they want.
This is why most narcissists use manipulation, including gaslighting to neutralize your point
of view, your opinions and even your emotions.
They do this so YOU take ALL the blame in those hard times, to the point of feeling
responsible for the situation itself.
They will not hesitate in manipulating you through guilt.
And that's why some people claim that they can live or even be 'happy' with a narcissist.
They even call them "my narcissist".
It's just that they have been manipulated to the point that any trace of self steem
or self worth has been erased, so they feel absolutely dependent on the narcissist.
And since society usually praises their achievements, then the victim could feel glad or even lucky
to be with them.
What's more, the narcissist will always get bored of the same supply from the same person
and will always look for new and fresh sources.
This cannot be avoided.
And it's critical that you understand this point.
That's why some people really want to believe that narcissists are really capable of love
and affection when they are not.
They can bomb you with love, they can be charming in ways that you can't even imagine, but in
the end, when the hard times come, you're the one taking the fall.
If you find yourself feeling guilty over and over again, then this is what is happening.
What you believe is a stable relationship, it's in fact walking a tightrope.
And if you thought that this can't get worse, I have bad news for you.
At some point, the evidence will be so overwhelming that you will realize you're living with a
narcissist.
But you will have so much fear of leaving them and going on your own, that you will
convince yourself that you can "fix" them.
That you can make them "really" love you.
But now you know that they can't, and never will.
I've got more videos that will help you understand human behavior and level up your skills on
body language.
And the best way to support my channel is to join and become a member.
I'd be really glad if you do.
Take care, my Body Language Baddies!