- Maybe you should tell him
the Astonishing Tales of Costanza.
- I should.
My name is George.
I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
- You ever see Tommy Tune dancing?
You have no eye for fashion.
- I have no eye for fashion? - All right.
- Your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
- I could go bummer-to-bummer with anyone on this planet.
- You're the man.
- Where do you get your genes from?
- That's what I'd like to know.
(piano music)
Mom, Dad.
I was hoping that you could help me to
remember my childhood a little more clearly.
- I feel a draft.
Let's change tables.
- Get out of here, we have a booth.
- Frank, I'm cold.
- Order a hot dish.
- Why can't we sit over there?
- That's not a booth!
- So who says we have to sit in a booth?
- I didn't take the subway all the way to New York
to sit at a table like that!
- Well, I didn't take a subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
- Now, George, what do you want to know
about your childhood?
- Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.
- This kid's going places, I told you.
- The NBC guy liked it?
- Of course he liked it.
- He told you he liked it?
- He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.
- Well, what are you doing?
- I'm writing.
- You know how to write?
- Without the writing, you have nothing.
You're the ones that make them look good.
- Since when do you know how to write?
I never saw you write anything.
- Ma!
- I don't know how you're gonna write all those shows.
And where are you gonna get all the ideas?
- Would you leave him alone?
You'll shatter his confidence.
- I don't need any ideas.
It's a show about nothing.
- Nothing, please.
I'll tell you the truth.
The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.
I always knew you had beautiful hands.
I used to tell people.
Frank, didn't I used to talk about his hands?
- Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to?
- I mentioned his hands to plenty of people.
- You never mentioned them to me.
(snaps fingers)
- Hand me an emery board.
- I always talk about your hands,
how they're so soft and milky white.
- No, you never said milky white.
- I said milky white!
- So, I talked to Phil Casacof today.
- Phil Casacof?
- Yeah, you know,
my friend, the bra salesman.
He says they're looking to maybe put somebody on,
so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.
- Next Friday, what time?
- 2:00.
- That's my whole afternoon!
I was gonna look for sneakers.
- You can look for sneakers the next day!
- He doesn't know anything about bras.
- I know a little.
- Besides, what do you have to know?
- Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in
and be able to discuss it intelligently.
- So, my father opened his shirt...
- Yeah, and?
- Tell him, Kramer.
- He had breasts.
- What do you mean, breasts?
- Big breasts.
- So what?
A lot of older men have that.
- No, not these.
These were real hooters.
Does your back hurt?
- How did you know?
- Well, it's obvious.
You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.
- Up here? - Oh yeah, top floor.
Listen, Frank, have you ever considered
wearing something for support?
Now look at this.
Mind you, this is just a prototype.
- You want me to wear a bra?
- No, no.
A bra is for ladies.
Meet the Bro.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, my god.
- "Dear son, Happy Festivus"?
What is Festivus?
- It's nothing, it's nothing.
- When George was growing up-- - Jerry, no.
- His father-- - No!
- Hated all the commercial and religious aspects
of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
- Oh, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
- All right.
- And instead of a tree,
didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
- All right, Jerry, stop it.
- And then weren't there feats of strength
that always ended up with you crying?
- I can't take it anymore, I'm going to work!
You happy now?
- Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son.
I reach for the last one they had, but so did another man.
As I rained blows upon him,
I realized there had to be another way.
- What happened to the doll?
- It was destroyed.
But out of that, a new holiday was born.
A Festivus for the rest of us.
- That must've been some kind of doll.
- She was.
(metal scraping)
- Well, Happy Festivus.
- What is that?
Is that the pole?
- George, Festivus is your heritage.
It is part of who you are.
- That's why I hate it.
- There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house.
Everyone's invited.
- George, you're forgetting how much Festivus
has meant to us all.
I brought one of the cassette tapes.
- [Frank] Read that poem.
- [George] I can't read it, I need my glasses.
- [Frank] You don't need glasses!
You're just weak, you're weak!
- [Estelle] Leave him alone!
- [Frank] All right, George.
It's time for the Festivus Feats of Strength.
- No, no!
Turn it off!
No feats of strength!
I hate Festivus!
- We had some good times.
- You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have
these elaborate birthday parties
with catered food and entertainment.
I remember my seventh birthday party.
- Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles,
I said, blow out the damn candles!
- Stop it, Frank, you're killing him!
- Blow out the candles!
- Oh, my god!
This was in our bed.
- What is this?
A prophylactic wrapper?
- What is this doing on my bed?
- I don't know.
- I'll see you later.
- You were having sex on our bed?
- Yes.
- Who told you you could have sex in our bed?
- Well, my bed is too small.
- Your bed is too small?
I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into...
into Bourbon Street?
- Where am I going to sleep?
- What are you talking about?
- I can't sleep in there.
- Of course you can.
- I can't.
I can't!
- That's it.
You're grounded.
- You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.
- You want to live here?
You'll respect the rules of our house.
You're grounded!
Move your seat forward.
- It's as far as it goes.
- There's a mechanism.
You just pull it and throw your body weight.
- I pulled it, it doesn't go.
- If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room.
Don't blame the mechanism!
- All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house.
Sit sideways. - Like an animal.
Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal.
Serenity now! Serenity now!
- What is that?
- Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette.
When my blood pressure gets too high,
the man on the tape tells me to say, "serenity now!"
- Are you supposed to yell it?
- The man on the tape wasn't specific.
- What happened to the screen door?
It blew off again?
- I told you to fix that thing.
- Serenity now!
George.
Your mother and I and Kramer have been talking.
- Oh, god.
- George, your parents can't blow through their savings
in this community, it's low rent.
Now we feel that Florida is really the place
where they should be.
- You can drop a grand in Disney World like that.
- Hey, how is Florida?
- We just bought a new place down there.
- I know, we were looking at the brochure.
- You what?
- Why, you thinking of moving?
- No, not really.
- Because if you are, you shouldn't.
There's nothing available in that development.
- Are you telling me there's not one condo available
in all of Del Boca Vista?
- That's right.
They went like hotcakes.
- How'd you get yours?
- Got lucky.
- Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?
- I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you,
but if you could perhaps conduct
the psychopath convention down the hall.
If I could just get a little personal space.
- Hi, Mr. Costanza, what's--
- Where's your friend, Kramer?
- I don't know, why?
- Because I'm looking for him, that's why.
He stopped short.
- What do you mean?
- In the car with my wife, he stopped short.
You think I don't know what that's about?
That's my old move.
I used it on Estelle 40 years ago.
I told everybody about it.
Everybody knows, (grunting) I stop short.
- Really, stopping short.
That's a good move.
- You're not kidding, it's a good move.
- Hey, Frank.
- Don't "Frank" me, I know what you did.
How dare you stop short with my wife?
- Come on, Frank, relax.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
- You think I don't know?
Ass man!
To think, I almost split the profits on
the Manssiere with you.
- Bro. - Manssiere.
- Bro! - Manssiere!
(screaming)
- Welcome back.
(gasping)
Pretty quick for a catered affair.
- I don't know what you mean.
- You ditched me.
That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on.
- George, we've had it with you.
Understand?
We love you like a son, but even parents have limits.
- The breakups, the firings,
and every Sunday with the calls.
- What my wife is trying to say is
this is supposed to be our time.
- I'm not following.
- I'm sorry, George, we're cutting you loose.
- You're cutting me loose?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna make love to your mother.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Ma! Guess what?
- Oh, my god.
- No, it's nothing bad.
I'm getting married.
- You're what?
- I'm getting married.
- Oh, my god, you're getting married?
- Yes! - Oh, I can't believe it.
Frank, come here!
- [Frank] You come here.
- Georgie's getting married.
- What? - Georgie's getting married!
Get the hell outta here, he's getting married?
- Yes. - To a woman?
- Of course, a woman.
What's she look like?
- I'm sure she's plenty gorgeous.
- What difference does it make what she looks like?
- Is she pretty?
- Yes, she's pretty, what difference does it make?
- Well, I'm just curious!
- She's not pretty?
- Let me talk to her.
- She wants to talk to you.
- Hello?
- Congratulations.
- I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
- You do? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
- May I ask why?
- Okay, let me talk--
- Will you stop? I'm on the telephone.
- Can I talk to her, please?
(grunting)
- In closing, these stories have not been embellished
because they need no embellishment.
They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life
as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man.
Thank you.
Oh, also,
my fiancee died from licking toxic envelopes
that I picked out.
Thanks again.
(sobbing)
(theme music)