my wife and kids are quick to anger sometimes it's explosive like the Moab
mother of all bombs other times it's a slow grinding war of attrition being a
student of your podcast I've learned the worst strategy is to directly attack
their fortified emotional position seems like this is a good opportunity to
employ a flanking maneuver how do I effectively flank their anger without
appearing weak okay first of all flank yourself because that appearing weak
thing that's pretty much in your head really it is it's legitimately in your
head and that's the first thing you need to do if that's your ego talking when
you don't want to when you don't want to when they hit you with something that
they're angry at the thing that's hitting back is ego that's what's
hitting back so first thing you do is okay I'm gonna check my ego right now
because I'm gonna win the long war in fact you have to be careful when you
stay calm when everyone else is angry you have to actually be careful not to
come across as aloof or you know arrogant yeah look when people are
getting mad okay okay for instance if your wife is super mad about something
and you show no emotions and you don't come out at all they get matter that's
right yeah you don't even care about this you know so no I can't so you gotta
you gotta give a little bit you know I'm not saying it you know a little bit of a
I get it right but then what you wanna do is absorb them oh they wanna get mad
cool absorb take the screaming give the head nod of understanding in a only
marginally emotional way that pretty much communicates that I understand
you're mad and I'm I'm listening and I hear you you know I get it
and let them get it out of their system just let them get it out of system then
let them calm down and then after you've given them the time to kind of calm down
and settle down and I mean it's longer than you think it's it's longer than you
think let them but when you think they're calm
wait on extra 45 minutes if not two hours probably two hours because they're
not calm to be safe they just stop screaming right there so and then
what you do is and then which do is you kind of take it on yourself you're gonna
own it right and you say something like hey you know that thing that made you
mad I want to make sure it doesn't happen again I you know what can I do
better to make sure that you don't get mad about that right you take you take
ownership of that what do I need to adjust and what
exactly is it that that I did that frustrated what is it that frustrated
you what can I do to stop it maybe it wasn't me maybe you're mad at the
printer but you know how can we fix that because I don't want you to and and then
you know so you have that kind of conversation and you know you're gonna
slide something tactfully and there tactfully cuz again you're still dealing
with like you know a possible flare-up scenario sanity so you know but you but
you say something like you know we both know that nobody benefits when people
lose their temper right I mean we got to be careful you know no one it's not
doesn't do us any good when people lose a temper we everyone knows that right so
you slide those things in there you're giving that comic little mini lecture
indirectly about what's happening and then when you have other conversations
now we're in just a normal day-to-day thing you drop things about temper you
know you talk about temper be well you know it's a weakness and it's no one
makes good decisions when they have them then lose our temper I mean some of the
dumbest things I've ever done was when I log you know everyone knows that be you
know you say you start sliding those things in there that it's bad for your
decision-making it's bad for relationships it's bad for your health
it's bad for life mmm and again you're not directly saying these things you're
subliminally saying you know you know it's man I remember one time I lost some
little dumbest things I ever did when I lost my dad when I kicked the wall and I
broke my toe and I put a hole in the wall and the landlord came that's what I
hate when I lose my temper mm-hmm and you start getting them in you give them
thinking about it over time and this is the thing it's a long war and there's
gonna be relapses along the way mm-hmm but you got to just hold the wine keep
it steady absorb and then flank gently to get them to so it starts out
recognizing where they're at and what their temper does to him mm-hmm tempers
crazy yeah and you see people lose their temper it's it's a total loss control
yeah it's it's all lost control and it just doesn't do anybody any good and
when you see someone that really loses their temper you're like yeah come on
yeah and when I was a kid I used to lose my temper
and at some point I just realized I forget what it was
I forget what made me there was something my dad said to me there's
something about you know something along those lines of like yeah you lose your
temper it's like a little baby Oh loss of control okay so you you when you
realized it that's because of that my dad said to me something along the lines
of light you know I think he was referring to an athlete or something
someone that just had no emotions and how old that was impressive yeah I was
like hmm that is impressive massive control yeah one-nothing is
gonna make me mad yeah doesn't matter what's going on around me yeah yeah it
is like a baby you know like I said you know like babies they cry and they've
whatever because they don't know how to talk so if they knew how to talk and
control everything they'd just be like hey I'm cold or hey I'm hungry but they
don't know how to talk so why do adults go crazy and cry because they're babies
because they don't know how to talk if they cry for every little thing they're
babies yeah they don't know how to talk I said actually you know what under um
and it depends it depends how much control and all these are little
variables but it's like the front part of your brain that's the decision-making
like the conscious like okay I'm gonna make this disc on shis decision right
which is the last part of your brain to develop by the way and it's the
conscious decision making get a front the frontal cortex and it happens and it
fully develops around age 25 by the way so if you're 24 23 22 21 oh and so uh
put simply it's like okay my actions now how do they affect the future you know
so in one way or another it's gonna be kind of surrounded on that little
premise small little breath so otherwise you're just going on straight auto mode
however you're however you feel that's gonna influence not totally control but
that's the thing that's gonna influence your behavior so times will stress your
frontal cortex start to shut down a little bit
hunger shut down a little bit hormonal situations for guys and girls so you
lose your temper more that's where hangry comes from hangry is one of them
you know and it's like all these things loss to empathy loss of like all this
stuff where your decisions just aren't that dope yeah and so and when I say
hormonal like that's why you get roid rage you know look because like guys if
they're on steroids that's their hormones are up or girls
PMSing it's like a real thing you know premenstrual syndrome is like real their
hormones are all so I heard one time my wife started when she was pregnant she
started crying during an AT&T commercial
what's wrong with her some of those are kind of sad it's emotional
little Esther why were you crying during Hawaii five-o oh man they're trying to
make you deep man that show you're watching not easy anyway nonetheless um
it's back to you losing your temper and stuff it is a weak thing so it's kind of
obvious especially from the outside to see that look losing your temper is not
cool and a lot of people they think it's cool because it feels good yeah when
you're a little kid you respect it you see someone who's like turning into
Superman right yeah but bright you're not feared by you look stupid you look
dumb yes if that's the message to convey to your kiss yeah losing your temper is
stupid yeah and man some people there think you could tell they say that stuff
with a little bit of pride you know it's just me and my temper guard my temper is
gonna get me in trouble and they're all okay yeah you know I'm a hothead man
that's they owe me that should be there you know you either I wish I didn't that
should be if you say I just have a temper that should be the equivalent of
you saying I don't know how to read it should be that hey nothing wrong with it
you can get past it and you know whatever I'm not gonna judge you for it
but it's not good it's not a good state to be in
do you someone who can't control your temper just like it's not a good state
to be in as a grown adult to not know how to read no judgment but
you solve that problem that's a B if you're having like if your kids have a
temper yeah and they're easy to anger it's because chances are I don't know
everybody of course but chances are they got it from the parents keep in mind
you're one of those parents I'm not saying I'm not saying that you have a
temper I'm not saying you don't but I am saying sure
you just have a temper your wife has a temper you got it really honestly
evaluate do I have a temper and understand that because the kids they're
just these little seeds of beings we're like hey how do I act I don't know how
to act I'll act out you know just Holly I'm
gonna cry this is my default I'm just gonna cry when I'm saying if the parents
have a temper and show that and act that way the kids will learn it from they're
gonna learn it so there is some there's something like genetic though I thought
well maybe I guess I could we don't know if its genetic or not but there's some
well you know the father has a bad temper and then the kid has a bad temper
yeah but there's no temper gene so what it is is there's a genetic situation for
sure that you're more apt to not be able to control certain parts of or not not
be able to control but but control less you know certain parts of your brain or
chemistry is gonna make you lean towards certain types of behavior like impulsive
behavior or something like that there is that for sure
but again man when you're a kid you're just looking for how do I act I don't
know I'm growing up I don't even know how to act so the first thing you're
gonna look at is the people not the authority figures in front of you the
parents if the parents aren't there who are they looking to I don't know the guy
next door the guy on TV the guy up the street the guy in the music video
whoever I don't know whoever's doing better than me that's it so if you're
either the parent and you're losing your temper all the time kids gonna lose
their temper dad that's how what they're gonna learn not act so point there is
if you lose your temper or if your kids are losing income you start with
yourself because you know the kind you know kind there's certain things that's
real easy to see when someone else does it yeah most things but yeah yeah you
simply don't well it sounds like this guy here that asked this question he's
saying his wife loses his temper mm-hm and that could be where the kid is
getting the the modeling from right and he's saying he doesn't now is there a
chance that he does too I guess so but it sounds like he's
pretty together and he's saying look I just need to get him to calm down right
so yeah in this situation I'd say it's probably the wife who's losing her
temper and then the kid is imitating or modeling and then we have this scenario
happening yeah so what we need to do is explain to everyone in the family that
it's not good we're not losing our tempers anymore
they yeah and the reason I say it too is again I I'm not saying he does lose his
temper but I am saying that it is a possibility that because if let's say I
mean your husband and wife in you okay me and my wife okay if she loses a
temper her temper and I'm taking the direct
approach right yeah which I know I'm gonna lose my temper back I'm gonna go
fire I'm gonna fight fire with fire you raise your voice I'm gonna raise my
voice the kids over there in the corner how do I act oh that's how I act right
there that's a possibility and kids will become anti-social that's the thing goes
on it's one of the things one of the many things antisocial I told you about
that book called mind games small little book forget the author like pretty
clearly and concisely laid out if you have anger issues like what up with that
it's insecurities change my whole life low self-esteem