Um, yeah, trying to lose weight, man.
Trying to lose weight, 'cause I'm cute,
and I'm on TV, and I'm having a lot of sex.
I'll be honest.
And you don't really know who you gonna get pregnant.
You know what I mean? Like...
I was thinking one day, like, what if--
what if I get a big girl pregnant, right?
And then the baby grow up, start to walk and run,
and we can't catch it?
[laughter]
We'll literally be unfit parents.
You know what I mean? Like...
Like, how would I fill out a missing persons report?
Like, "Sir, when'd you realize the baby was missing?"
Like, "Immediately. Immediately.
"I was right there behind him.
"I was like, 'Stop, son. Stop, son.'
"He didn't know his name was 'son,'
so he kept going, and I just couldn't"...
"Well, why didn't you stop him?"
"'Cause I ran out of breath.
"I almost had him; then he stepped on a mushroom
"like 'Super Mario Bros.'
"Jumped on Yoshi's back, and it was over.
I couldn't get him."
Two big people having sex is fun.
It just don't sound good.
Sound like a whole bunch of wet handshakes.
Like a locker room full of high fives.
"Hey, good game. Good game.
Good game."
Like, "I think they won the championship in there.
I think they did." [chuckles]
I like to smoke weed, man.
I like to smoke weed.
Can't smoke with everybody.
I choose who I'ma smoke with
based on what kind of snacks you gonna have
when we get high.
I got this white friend named Timmy.
Had to put him in the Hall of Fame.
First time we smoked together,
he pulled out some Lunchables.
Messed me up 'cause I didn't even know
you could eat Lunchables at home.
I thought you had to be in school to each Lunchables.
I ate two semesters' worth of Lunchables at his house.
It was amazing.
Third and fourth grade-- it was crazy.
He had the pizza Lunchables.
Remember the pizza Lunchables?
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo!
You felt like your own lunch lady.
You be talking to yourself--
"I'ma put the sauce on it like this.
"I'ma spread the sauce with the pepperoni.
I'ma bedazzle the cheese on the pizza."
I don't even know what "bedazzle" means,
but I know you got to bedazzle the cheese.
I used to be-- I used to be a server at IHOP.
I used to work at IHOP.
You know how hard it is to smoke weed,
be big, and take orders?
Felt like me and the customers
was always having foreplay.
They sound so sexy ordering; they'd be like,
"Um, I would like the pancakes."
I'd be like, "What kind of pancakes?"
They'd be like, "Buttermilk."
I'd be like, "Ooh.
"Ooh.
Whew."
Then they get aggressive.
"Give me two eggs scrambled with cheese."
I'm like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait."
"Provolone cheese."
I'm like, "Provolone?
"I ain't never did it with the provolone.
Whew." [chuckles]
People so judgmental.
You know how hard it is to be my size
and be a server and have to tell your table
y'all are out of what they want?
[laughter]
Automatically my fault no matter what it is they ordered.
I had a lady order turkey bacon one day,
and I'm like, "You know, ma'am,
"I'm so sorry.
We're all out of turkey bacon."
She gonna look me up and down,
"I bet y'all are out of turkey bacon."
I'm like, "Bitch, I don't even eat turkey bacon.
"I like regular bacon.
"Make your blood pressure go up.
"Got to get your foot cut off.
That's the bacon."
Just 'cause something's on a--on a menu
don't mean you got to order it.
IHOP sell T-bones, but if you don't have health insurance
or a strong immune system,
I wouldn't recommend it.
I had this lady order a T-bone one day.
It's the arrogance she had when she ordered it
that made me mad.
She was like, "Yes, I would like the ti-bone, and...
could you tell the chef I would like it medium-rare?"
A dude at another table said, "Did she say 'chef'?"
I was like, "Yeah, dog, she trippin'.
"Hold on.
I got this. I got this."
I'm like, "You want your T-bone
"from IHOP
"anything other than well-done,
"I'ma need you to sign
this health waiver for me real quick."
The meat was damn near spoiled when we got it.
We didn't even get it off a truck.
We got it out the trunk of a '09 Honda Accord.
And there ain't never been a chef at IHOP.
It's a brother named Breon back there.
"He didn't study abroad?"
"Naw, but he killed a broad."
Y'all been fun, man.
I'm Leonard Ouzts. Thank you.