♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THAT'S THE BAND, NOT ME.
THAT'S THE BAND RIGHT OVER THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HELLO.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NICE-- YOU HAVE SORT OF A "SATURDAY
NIGHT FEVER" THING GOING ON TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
I WON THE DANTZ BATTLE.
DID YOU SEE?
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A LOT OF RETRO SPARKLE GOING ON, TOO.
>> Jon: I LIKE THE ENERGY.
I'M FEELING GOOD TODAY, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: I AM, TOO.
WE'VE GOT--
WE GOT SOME DEAR FRIENDS, DEAR FRIENDS OF THE SHOW COMING ON
TONIGHT, JUST A LITTLE BIT.
OUR FRIEND NICK OFFERMAN IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT.
( APPLAUSE )
SOOTHING PRESENCE.
AND, OF COURSE, CHARLAMAGNE THE GOD IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN
JUST A MOMENT.
ANOTHER DEAR FRIENDS OF HOURS.
HIS NEW SHOW "THA GOD'S HONEST TRUTH" ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
ONE OTHER THING GOING ON, PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE COME UP TO ME-- AND THIS IS NO SURPRISE.
THEY SAY, "STEVE, YOUR PROGRAM IS A FEAST FOR THE SENSES, BUT
I'M ON A DIET.
CAN I GET A VERSION OF 'THE LATE SHOW' THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE
VISUALS?" WELL, GREG, I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THAT SOON YOU CAN.
BECAUSE STARTING NEXT WEEK, WE'RE LAUNCHING OUR NEW PODCAST,
"THE LATE SHOW POD SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EXACTLY.
>> Jon: IT'S COMING!
>> Stephen: THAT DESERVES IT.
I WAS WAITING TO GIVE THIS PODCASTING THING A CHANCE TO
CATCH ON.
AND I THINK IT'S BEGINNING-- IT'S BEGINNING TO BE A THING.
I SAID, DADDY'S IN."
EVERY WEEKDAY, YOU'LL GET THE LATEST "LATE SHOW" IN CONVENIENT
POD FORM.
THE TOPICAL MONOLOGUES, THE MEANWHILE-IEST "MEANWHILES," THE
HARD-HITTING INTERVIEWS WITH TODAY'S MOST INTERESTING
NEWSMAKERS, AND THE SOFT-HITTING INTERVIEWS WITH TODAY'S MOST
SYMMETRICAL CELEBRITIES.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT "THE LATE SHOW" POD SHOW WILL BE THE
ONLY PODCAST THAT ISN'T ABOUT A SERIAL KILLER.
OR IS IT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"THE LATE SHOW POD SHOW" PREMIERES MONDAY, OCTOBER 25.
BUT YOU CAN HEAR THE TRAILER NOW AND FOLLOW THE PODCAST ON
SPOTIFY, APPLE PODCASTS, BLOOFY, YOUR SMART FRIDGE, A GAS STATION
PUMP SCREEN, OR WHEREVER YOU CONSUME PODCASTS.
FOLKS, I KNOW--
REALLY?
THAT'S THIRSTY.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE,
COMBIG THROUGH HOURS UPON HOURS OF GAME ON THE MOST PROMISING
HEADLINES, METICULOUSLY CRAFTING MY BIG BOARD TO RANK STORIES
BASED ON THEIR RAW TALENT AND INTANGIBLES, AND CUT DEALS FOR
THE MOST TOPICAL TRADES TO DRAFT THE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION,
HEISMAN-WINNING QUARTERBACK THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN AN ICE BATH AFTER
DOING RAILS OF GATORADE POWDER, REALIZE IT'S DRAFT DAY, AND I
HAVE 15 SECONDS LEFT TO MAKE A CHOICE AND BLURT OUT THE FIRST
NAME I SEE TO WASTE THE NUMBER ONE OVERALL PICK ON THE SCRAWNY,
UNPOLISHED THIRD-STRING PUNTER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT,
"MEANWHILE!"
"MEANWHILE KNOWS ALL.
IT FORGIVES ALL.
MEANWHILE, A CANADIAN COCA-COLA FAN EARNED A SPOT IN "THE
GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS" BY COLLECTING 11,308 DIFFERENT
CANS ISSUED BY THE SOFT DRINK COMPANY.
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
BUT I THINK THE REAL WINNER HERE IS DIABETES.
( LAUGHTER )
SINGLE, "EASY ON ME," THIS WEEKEND AND IMMEDIATELY SET THE
RECORD FOR SPOTIFY'S MOST-STREAMED SONG IN A SINGLE
DAY AND RECEIVED THE MOST FIRST-DAY ALEXA SONG REQUESTS IN
AMAZON MUSIC HISTORY.
BEFORE THIS, THE NUMBER ONE REQUEST OF ALEXA WAS:
ALEXA.
STOP TIMER.
STOP... HONEY, CAN YOU MUTE THE TV?
IT'S CONFUSING ALEXA.
STOP TIMER.
NO, DON'T SET ANOTHER TIMER-- FINE.
FINE, SET TIME.
MEANWHILE, NEW RESEARCH HAS REVEALED THAT HUMANS WERE USING
TOBACCO AT LEAST 12,000 YEARS AGO.
RESEARCHERS FOUND CHARRED SEEDS FOUND IN AN ANCIENT HEARTH USED
BY HUNTER-GATHERERS IN WHAT'S NOW UTAH.
YOU GOTTA GET RID OF THE SEEDS, MAN.
"QUICK, OG, MY PARENTS ARE ALMOST BACK FROM
HUNTER-GATHERING.
HIDE THE STASH, OR I'LL BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF MY
LIFE, WHICH IS NOT THAT MUCH TIME BECAUSE WE DIE SO YOUNG.
MEANWHILE, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO SPICE UP THE COUNTDOWN TO
CHRISTMAS, FASHION RETAILER AND SEX TOY DISTRIBUTOR NASTY GAL
HAS LAUNCHED THEIR 12 DAYS OF SEXMAS SEX TOY ADVENT CALENDAR--
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THERE'S NO BETTER WAY THAN A BOX OF SEX
TOYS TO COMMEMORATE THE STORY OF HISTORY'S MOST FAMOUS VIRGIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE ANNUAL JAMES DYSON DESIGN AND ENGINEERING
AWARDS HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED, AND A TESTICLE BATH BIRTH CONTROL
DEVICE JUST EARNED THIS YEAR'S DYSON PRIZE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU WANT DO-IT-YOURSELF STERILIZATION,
YOU DON'T NEED THIS THING IF YOU ALREADY OWN A DYSON.
THEY REALLY NEVER DO LOSE SUCTION.
EVIDENTLY-- NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
EVIDENTLY, THE DEVICE, SEEN RIGHT HERE, BLASTS
YOUR BUSINESS WITH ULTRASOUND TO DISABLE SPERM MOBILITY.
HERE'S A FUN VIDEO ABOUT IT ♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT.
THANKS.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
THANKS, BUT I'VE ALREADY GOT A MUG FOR MY TEABAG.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS, THE WORLD'S LARGEST WINE FACTORY FROM THE BYZANTINE
PERIOD HAS BEEN UNCOVERED BY ARCHAEOLOGISTS, AND IT'S 1,500
YEARS OLD.
NOW YOU CAN STICK IT TO YOUR WINE SNOB FRIENDS AT DINNER:
"WHAT'S THAT, ALAN?
A 2017 MALBEC?
THAT'S CUTE.
I BROUGHT A NICE 623 RED FROM THE ANCIENT WORLD, SHROUDED IN
THE DUST OF MILLENNIA.
AND WHEN YOU UNCORK IT, ENTOMBED SOULS OF THE DAMNED ARE
RELEASED.
IT PAIRS GREAT WITH FISH."
PIERCE?
DOESN'T MATTER.
FORGIVES ALL.
MEANWHILE, IN TODAY'S KOALA SEX NEWS, CHLAMYDIA IS SO WIDESPREAD
AMONG KOALAS, THEY'RE GETTING VACCINATED.
( LAUGHTER )
CONSERVATIONISTS.
AND ALSO TO EVERYONE BONING KOALAS.
APPARENTLY, ROUGHLY 400 AUSTRALIAN KOALAS WILL BE
VACCINATED AGAINST CHLAMYDIA AS PART OF A TRIAL THAT RESEARCHERS
SAY THEY HOPE COULD PLAY A SIGNIFICANT ROLE IN THE
LONGER-TERM SURVIVAL OF THE ANIMALS.
OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY IF THEY CAN CONVINCE THE INCREASINGLY
VOCAL CONTINGENT OF ANTI-VAX MARSUPIALS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NICK OFFERMAN.
COME ON!
♪ ♪ ♪