- He was on his knees in the alley in the back,
and they were standing there like, "Cut his ear off!
Cut his ear off, Dashonthany!"
And he goes, "Yeah, man, I didn't want to do it,
"but, you know, they were all yelling, so...
I was just like, 'Fuck it, man'' I cut his ear off."
[motorcycle humming]
[exciting music]
[engine revving]
[yelling]
[motorcycle revving]
♪
[tires skidding]
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[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
And today, the topic is "crime."
[cheers and applause]
You might know him from his popular podcast
on Sirius and iTunes called "Race Wars."
Please give it up for Mr. Kurt Metzger, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
- I relate to Ari because he was gonna be a rabbi,
and I was a-- I actually was a minister.
I was a Jehovah's Witness.
And, uh, I was born into it.
Is anybody raised religious in here?
This is two different stories, by the way,
that connect in a very weird way.
You were? What were you?
- Pentecostal.
- Oh, that's the natural vampires versus werewolves
of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Oh, they don't like us.
You know why? I used to live down south.
They didn't like me because I didn't believe in hell.
Like, why would you get mad at me for that?
Well, people hear it and they're like,
"Oh, you can't do your birthdays?"
And, uh... I don't know, Prince?
Those are the two things...
It's not well-known.
It's just a regular doomsday cult.
It's no bid deal. Um...
But I'm not bitter against it, and I, you know--
I kind of appreciate it, you know,
because it really taught me how to lie, you know?
Like...
If you're raised religious, that's what it really gives you:
the life skill of, like, who to lie to and when and why.
Like, you... you can't get that
from a secular education.
You need, like, higher stakes, you know?
To really act like your life depends on it, you know?
'Cause your immortality fucking depends on it, so...
that's when you really learn.
Right?
It's a valuable skill to have.
I'm sure you got it in spades, right?
You were like-- were you one of them, like,
[babbling] those guys?
Yeah.
So that's the-- you see how you learn?
At first you tell yourself that this is "God's language."
[laughter]
That--you tell yourself that, and that's reality.
So other lies come easy once you know
how to do that magic, right?
And you get, like, a secret life.
And, you know, when religious people go bad,
everyone jumps on them, 'cause you think you're not
supposed to sin, but they're really just doing shit
everybody does, it's just they built it up so much,
that they're not that kind of person.
So that's why it's so devastating.
You're in your head, you're like, "I'm not a guy
that does things like this."
Right?
So when I grew up out of the church I was in,
I realized everybody was doing, like, soap opera, epic...
just fucking-- all kinds of crazy shit
that I had no idea as a kid--
like, I'm the sucker that followed it, I felt like.
'Cause I really did, you know?
Like, I was raised--
I was told never to masturbate, ever.
Like,
Like, an adult said, "You should never...never--
if all goes perfectly, you will have never masturbated."
An adult with a straight face said that to me.
And, uh--yeah, you know what happened, by the way,
to a grown man?
Just medically, if he never masturbated?
No. Nobody knows.
It's never been attempted by anyone,
but I'm supposed to be the first man in history
to not jerk my dick off.
Like, "Kurt, we think you could be the chosen one, so...
We've all-- we've all failed."
You know?
Yeah, but it's that kind of stuff, right?
And, uh, so, but ours was a espe--
like, what's especially hard about Jehovah's Witnesses
was, uh--or why people might think it's cult-y is,
you have to do it, okay?
That's what made the hardest part about the religion.
It's not like-- like, Catholics, I always envy.
'Cause that's, like, so great.
You just get to be Catholic. You don't have to do nothing.
Right? What're you gonna do?
You watch, like, mafia movies.
You never see them take the guy...
"Hey, uh, Mr. Soprano, don't come to this church no more
because you're a murderer."
You don't--they don't say that. It's cool.
We had to do ours, or you get disfellowshipped, right?
Which is, like, cast out.
And all your friends are in the congregation.
They set it-- It's set up that way.
Your real friends are in your-- are Jehovah's Witnesses.
The rest of you are nice, like we could
be acquaintances, but...
you know, God's gonna exterminate you
off this earth, so...
Don't get too attached.
[laughs]
You seem like nice people, but you know.
We didn't have hell, though.
But it was still all-- everything on you.
So people would have secret lives, right?
So this is the first--this is about a sex crime, this story.
And, uh...
Yeah. Yeah.
When I was eight, my brother was born and my mom's best friend
in the church, her son babysat me.
He was 13, okay? We'll call him "Josh."
And, uh, he was like-- he was like an adult to me,
'cause I was eight, you know? This 13-year-old.
When I think back on that, it's funny,
'cause he was like really skinny.
It's the '80s, so he's got like a Luke Skywalker
butt cut kind of hair. Right?
And he's--Jeffrey Dahmer glasses that everybody had.
And, uh, real skinny, but like really high shorts, okay?
And, uh, so he--I was just alone with him the whole day.
And, uh, he didn't molest me or something, we just had to watch
"The Honeymooners," which I didn't care for.
'Cause I was eight. That's not the sex crime.
That--it went fine. We just spent the day together.
[laughter]
He was a nice church boy. It wasn't anything.
Um...so, but a few years later, when he got to high school,
he started working out a lot, this guy.
And, uh, but just his top.
He was one of those dudes, right?
And it was before people really started calling you on that,
so he really...
Yeah, I mean, he did ster-- I don't know if he just
shot the steroids on the top part like that.
I don't know what he did.
But he...just gigantic--
but the same legs I remember from 13 and the same hair,
but it was just smaller on his big steroid head now.
[laughter]
But he was a hulking man now.
He was, like, 17.
And, uh...yeah, everybody was like,
"Jesus, Josh is huge."
Like, real-- it was very impressive, right?
And, uh, then, even more impressive,
he ended up banging his geometry teacher.
[laughter]
Yeah.
His geometry teacher, uh... I guess statutory raped him.
[laughs]
And they didn't really charge you back then.
You know?
They just handled it at the school.
She got fired, and uh...
She got divorced, and then, uh, it was a big scandal.
'Cause I heard about it through the Jehovah Witness grapevine.
Right? That was the--the gossip.
And, uh--so the developments were amazing when they come in.
But then the most amazing development was
she decided she wanted to study the Bible
with Jehovah's Witnesses.
So, they have to let you.
So guess what?
She started coming to the church, and uh--
you know, Josh's mom wasn't too thrilled,
but what's she gonna do?
She can't say nothing about it.
And, uh, then they got married.
She studied--this was over a four year period.
She became a Jehovah's Witness and they married
and became a nice Christian couple.
She was real hot, too.
She was like a real--before even the word "MILF" was a thing,
like she was that and she was, like...
Like, it was the sisters of the congregation that were,
like, giving her the side-eye.
The brothers, like, "That kid's awesome."
Like, first of all, he's got a great upper body.
Start with that.
Had the same haircut for over eight years.
You know, it wasn't as much of a thing for--
I remember my dad, like...
And, uh, yeah. So that's the end of that.
That sex crime just ended with a nice church couple, basically.
A little May-December romance.
Uh, and then--so then, this is the second story,
which, for some reason that I don't understand,
relates to that story and it shouldn't.
But, uh, when I got--I was, like, 19, and I got out
of high school and I wanted to-- I didn't go to college,
I wanted to, like, have a job for some reason first.
And, uh, I worked at the this place called Funcoland.
Which is a... they sell videogames.
It's called GameSpot now.
I don't know why I looked at you like you would know, dude.
[laughs]
This backyard wrestler understands what I'm saying.
It's a video game store. [laughter]
Okay.
And, uh, I got hired as assistant manager right away
by this guy, uh, Ricardo, let's call him.
He was this Puerto Rican guy who was 30 when I was 19.
And he was, uh-- he was also a Jehovah's Witness
from the Spanish congregation, okay?
And, uh, but he just, like-- we just got along.
So he hired me as assistant manager.
And I was kind of a jerk off, you know?
But uh, he had a violent temper, and would yell at me
until I did the job good.
And, uh--
and he was, like, really light-skinned,
blue-eyed Puerto Rican guy from the islands,
so he looked down on anybody from here.
I don't know if you know the politics of that.
Of, like, Puerto Ricans versus other Puerto Rican
kind of people, but it's intense.
And, uh...
but he would, like, call me "white boy" a lot,
but he was like very white, you know?
And, uh--
and we would play fighting games and he would
break his controllers 'cause he thought I was being too cheap.
He goes, "You cheap me out, man!
Why don't you be a man?"
And he'd break his controller. [laughs]
He broke, like, three controllers.
Talking like Mandy Patinkin from "The Princess Bride" to me.
"You killed my father!"
So...
But he did really man me up. I got to give it to him.
And I--he ended up getting fired for something,
but I became the manager and he had trained me.
So now, I'm like 20, and I'm the manager of Funcoland.
And, uh, I live at my parent's and I make $24,000 a year,
so that's pretty awesome, you know?
And, uh, I had to hire an assistant manager.
And, uh, the guy that I hired--
uh, I interviewed a whole bunch of people,
and, you know, retail-- with a job like that,
you just want to find someone you can
hang out with, right?
That's really your main--
They won't steal too much and--you know?
That's all you're looking for, 'cause it's a nightmare.
You know how retail is?
Like, that just--that, you know, you have that store greeting.
"Great day at Funcoland!" You have to say that.
Like, they think people want that.
And then they have snitches that call to make sure
you're telling people you're having
a great fucking day at Funco.
"I'm having a great day!"
"Yes, great leader!"
So, but because I was religious, I was good at
that kind of sh-- that stuff, you know?
Little stupid rules for no reason that you have to follow.
And I had training from the Bible.
[laughter]
So I hired this guy, he was from Philly.
This black guy from Philly.
And, uh, he was older than me, too,
and he was like-- he was just the first guy
that I just, like, got along with really well, okay?
And he was, like, pretty 'hood.
From like--
and, you know, now I live in a straight-up ghetto,
so it's not new to me now, but if you're from the suburbs,
and have no--you know, you have maybe black friends
if you're white, but they're not, like,
what you imagine from TV, right?
This is, like--this is the TV coming to work for me.
You know? It's not all, like, guys with the sideways gun,
there's levels of it.
There's, like-- there's hustler guys and like...
there's white-collar of that shit.
So he was that. He was a smarter dude.
So, uh...
yeah, he had been a-- like, an enforcer
for this crack dealer in Philly.
[laughter]
Like, he had to go-- he told me he had to,
like, get people.
And, uh... [laughs]
Yeah, and I think it's this chick that I saw on "Gangland."
I just put it together recently.
Called the "Queen Pin," 'cause I'm like, it's a female,
it's--the timeline works. I think that's who it was.
Now looking back. Um...
Yeah, so like, if you owed like a small amount of money,
he would come just mess you up. and, uh--'cause you have to.
That's how that economy-- you can't let that go.
You know? You'll be dead.
You have to send this--
send, uh, let's call him Dashonthany.
You have to send Dashonthany.
Let's just mix all the names together: Dashonthany.
Um...
But he had been a violin prodigy, okay?
And I swear to God, this is the story.
He was a violin prodigy that tested out of dum-dum school
that he was in, and they put him in a arts high school,
'cause he was like some kind of mega IQ guy
and he just hung out with bad people
and just dropped out of that school
and became a crack enforcer.
And, uh, he told me he had-- the reason he moved was
he was going after this one guy who was real big,
and he got kind of close to the guy, and the guy just hit him
without warning, and, like, cracked his rib or something.
And he said, like, he felt like crying.
He's like, "Yeah actually, fuck it. I cried a little bit."
And then, uh--and then he ran up and like kicked
this dude in the chest and the guy didn't get up.
So he moved to my town to work for me at Funcoland.
[laughter]
Yeah, that-- all of this I learned
in the interview, by the way.
Did I mention that?
This was all told during the interview process.
I mean, it was riveting.
You know, he's like a Netflix series.
I was like, "You're hired right now."
[laughter]
So it was, like, awesome to hang out with this dude.
And, uh, he's into like martial arts and stuff,
so he would, like-- we would go to like flea markets
and buy, like...
It's like hanging out with Wesley Snipes or something.
We would buy karate weapons.
Impractical karate weapons that you would never use.
And he would show me how to play with them and,
like, all kinds of stuff that--I'm not supposed to do
none of this stuff, 'cause I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
I can't play with violent...
I couldn't even have guns on my "Star Wars" men.
My mom took the guns off my "Star Wars" men.
So I just had men.
Thanks for the men!
[laughter]
So finally someone's giving me some man time!
So...uh, yeah.
So he, uh--some, partway-- he was a great employee.
He was like sell all the commissionable stuff
really fast and the customers loved him
'cause he was a charming dude. He was great.
And, uh, he was very, like, supportive.
Like, he was always building up my self-esteem.
[laughter]
[laughs]
And, uh, later I worked in Jersey City and these guys--
I ended up getting in a fight with some people and I thought
they were gonna kill me 'cause that's a bad area
and he drove up with a gun to just watch me.
Like, he was down. He was a down dude.
So, he started selling crack on the side
to supplement his Funcoland income, okay?
It was Bricktown, New Jersey, so he was, like,
the only game in town.
And, uh, now he had an enforcer who was called "Zumo," okay?
I hadn't-- I'd never met him.
But just imagine hearing that name, Zumo.
And he would complain about Zumo.
[laughs]
He was like, "Zumo smokes too much products
and he's too violent." Okay?
He almost beat this guy to death.
Like, 'cause he wasn't like a gangster in his head.
He was like, "I'm in Bricktown, it's just a little side...
I just sell crack to friends, man."
[laughs]
He wasn't, like, you know, starting an empire.
And meanwhile, Zumo is like some maniac,
but you always have a new, terrible--
and this guy, Dashonthany, had done some shit himself.
Like, he told me he cut a guy's ear off once.
Somebody had robbed him.
Like, he got mugged and didn't know he was connected to
this lady, so his boys found the guy at a club
and called them over there and he was on his knees
in the alley in the back and they're standing around
like, "Cut his ear off!"
"Cut his ear off, Dashonthany!"
[laughter]
And, uh, and he-- we were putting games away
while he was telling me, and he goes--and he goes,
"Yeah, man, I didn't want to do it, but, you know,
"they were all yelling, so...
I was just like, 'fuck it man,' I cut his ear off."
Right? I was putting away "Bubsy 2" for Sega Genesis.
On the wall-- As I remember the happy char--
[mumbles indistinctly]
But it was just fascinating and I, you know,
I'm a church kid, so that's amazing to me,
just anything like that.
So l loved hanging out with him, but I was always, like,
"What if, you know... Moses were alive and saw--"
Like, just some weird Bible-y shit they put in your head.
They told us to imagine Bible characters are watching you.
So I'm like, "What if Moses saw?"
[laughter]
But I'm not supposed to be hanging out
with this person, okay?
At all. Like, a friend like that, okay?
He's not one of us and he sells crack
and he has a Zumo working for him.
[laughter]
I could get disfellowshipped if somebody found out.
That's where you're, like, out of the thing.
That's like a disconnecting or whatever, right?
And, uh, so I'm at his house, we're playing with
butterfly knives that we bought
and he's showing me how to do all the cool--
I know how to do all them-- I could do all of them
'cause he, this guy showed me and, uh, while I'm doing that,
I hear: bang bang bang bang bang!
On his door. Like a violent--
I felt like someone was coming to get me
in trouble for not playing.
Like, it was a such a nerve-racking sound.
And, uh, he goes, "Ah, man, Zumo's here."
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
Now I'm in too deep 'cause--
I'd like to just hang out with him without ever--you know?
And, uh, so door opens up and, uh...
It's fucking Josh, the guy that babysat me
and fucked his teacher.
[laughter]
Uh...in addition to already an impressive resume--
[laughter]
[laughs]
By nights he controls the streets as Zumo.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
I, uh, couldn't believe it.
We were both like, "Man, what're you doing here?"
[laughs]
Yeah, and then, uh, him and that--
that teacher ended up getting divorced,
'cause he's a crackhead. That's the end of it.
All right, that's my story. Thanks.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
♪