So, uh, we're done, people.
We're done.
Our final night in Cleveland.
The Republican National Convention is over,
and at this rate, pretty soon, the country will also be over.
And yesterday, Donald Trump
spent his entire 75-minute speech
pitching a horror movie about how a fictional America
is a place where you should be afraid of everything.
Now, we-we had a whole show planned about Trump, you know.
We had him in, like, a Jason mask,
and we had all these jokes about that.
But then a few hours ago, we're like, (bleep) it.
-Um... yeah. -(laughter)
Yeah, to be honest with you, like,
we always talk about Trump, all of us, all of us.
The guy says anything, and it's news.
Like, he farts from his mouth
and we talk about it for hours, you know?
Like, "Oh, what do you think that smell means?"
But, but you know what?
His convention is over. It's over.
He said what he needed to say.
And-and later, later on in the show we'll break down
how much bull (bleep) he spoke,
but for now let's-let's talk about something else.
Because it was easy to forget this week
that while this (bleep) show was going on,
other things were still happening in the world.
You know, the British appointed
their second ever female prime minister.
-Uh, yeah. -(cheers and applause)
Um, America maybe bombed 70 civilians in Syria,
and just a week after peak tension around police shootings,
this happened:
REPORTER:
after he held his hands in the air, lying on the ground.
REPORTER 2:
an autistic man who wandered away from a group home.
REPORTER 3:
you can see 47-year-old Charles Kinsey,
his hands raised in the air.
REPORTER 4:
but an officer shot him in the leg anyway.
Anyway?
Shot him in the leg anyway?
Oh, it's almost like the cop was like, uh,
"Well, I mean, I'm-I'm here, so I might as well, uh..."
(laughter)
And now, now, luckily, as horrible as the story is,
there is some good news.
The man who was shot, Charles Kinsey,
is in good shape and is expected to make a full recovery.
So that is good news.
-That is good news. -(applause)
In fact, in fact, and-and this is, this is true,
The Florida native even said when he was shot
he thought he was being bitten by a mosquito,
which-which sounds ridiculous
until you see the mosquitoes in Florida.
-Then, then you understand. -(laughter)
But, but really, people?
The guy got shot while lying down on the ground
with his hands in the air.
And at this point, I no longer know
what black people need to do to not get shot.
Because I-I don't understand.
You-you walk towards a policeman, you get shot.
Walk away from a policeman, you get shot.
You lie down on the ground with your hands in the air,
you still get shot.
You're on the ground, you're lying down.
There's-there's no other way to be less threatening
and still be black.
Like at this rate, I wouldn't be shocked
if we started hearing police are shooting
black people in their graves.
You know? It's just like, "What happened, Officer?"
"Well, the suspect was, uh, decomposing in a manner
that was threatening, and, uh, I had to defend myself."
And look, some people might say,
"Oh, well, maybe the cop had a reason to shoot."
Well, it turns out, that's not true.
He didn't have a good reason.
In fact, the policeman didn't even have a reason.
"When he hit me, I'm like, I still got my hands in the air.
I said, you know, I just got shot.
And I'm standing there, I'm like,
"Sir, why did you shoot me?"
And he says, and his words to me, he said, "I don't know.”
(audience reacts)
You know what?
That, uh, that answer's, uh, it's actually refreshing.
Yeah.
No excuses.
No shifting the blame.
Just, "I don't know."
Kind of reminds me-- kind of reminds me of myself as a kid.
You know, my-my mom would come in and be like,
"Why did you draw on the wall?"
I'd be like, "I don't know."
(laughter)
That's exactly how I looked.
I'd be like, "I don't know. I don't know."
I didn't know why I drew on the wall.
I just like, I was just like, there's crayons,
and there's a wall, and... you know?
And if there's walls and if there's crayons,
I'm-I'm going to draw.
I-I have nothing against walls,
but it's just, like, if there's crayons around,
and there's walls, someone's going to get hurt.
And my mom would be, like, "Yeah, you."
(laughter)
But, but what makes the story even crazier,
is the fact that the cop fired three times.
Fired three shots.
Yeah, because they say "shot" like it was one bullet.
And, yes, one bullet hit the person,
but the cop pulled the trigger three times... by mistake?
I mean, I understand one bullet, but three?
Like, what is the... what is the cop going...
Why-why did you shoot three times?
Like, "Well, what happened was,
"uh, after I fired the first shot,
"uh, shots had been fired, and I had to defend myself,
so, uh, so this is really, uh, you know?"
This story is so twisted,
and the crazier thing is it gets even twistier.
REPORTER:
that the cop was actually trying to shoot
the autistic man, but he missed.
Oh...!
Oh! That-that explains it.
We thought you were trying to shoot the...
Here we are judging,
because we thought you were trying to shoot
an unarmed black, but it turns out
you were shooting an autistic person who posed no threat.
Oh, now I get it.
Now I get it.
You know, the more the story plays out,
the crazier and crazier the report gets.
Police say it all started when they got a call
about a man threatening suicide.
Really?
So, wait, let me understand this,
someone called the police and told them that a person
was trying to shoot themselves,
and the police response was,
"Hey, we need to stop someone from shooting themselves!
Quick! Get your guns! Get your guns!"
How does that work?
You know what, you know, we can... we can spend
all of our time vilifying the police,
trying to place blame on either side of every single story,
but, I'm sorry, I've-I've got to say this,
I'm-I'm gonna be honest with you,
in America, the job of a police officer
is way too broad.
We expect the police to handle everything.
Someone has a broken taillight, the police need to handle it.
Someone's robbing a brank... a bank,
the police need to handle that as well.
Like, your neighbor's playing loud music,
you call the police for that.
A person with mental health issues
maybe threatening to harm themselves,
the police need to handle that as well.
We're asking too much of them, which is not right.
Obviously, things are gonna go wrong.
It's-it's a recipe for disaster.
For instance, think of it like this,
when we're flying, we don't do that.
We don't call the pilot when we want a drink,
because we know pilots have a separate job
and that job is to keep us safe in the air,
the same way flight attendants have a separate job
and that job is to stop people from banging in the bathroom.
That's what we know. Yeah.
That's what they've been trained for.
Peanuts? Yes.
Penis? No.
They've been trained for that.
(cheering and applause)
And the reason,
the reason we don't ask the pilot to do it
is because we know it could go terribly wrong.
If the pilot was doing this... "Stop them from having sex!"
He'd be like, "Okay. Hey, stop having sex!"
"No!" "Okay."
(mimics plane descending, crashing)
"Why did you crash the plane?"
"Well, it's the only way I knew how to stop them."
"And how are you still alive?"
"It's for the purposes of this joke. Leave me alone."
Look, look, America,
if we want to help minorities,
one of the ways we can do it is by helping the police.
Because if this carries on,
the distrust that citizens have in the police will rise.
The police will feel more and more threatened by the public
that doesn't trust them, and the cycle will only continue
to get worse. And that,
that, Donald J. Trump,
is something to