Barret: So you're telling me that my baby girl, Marlene, is in this quaint little cottage?
[o.s.] ???: Whattya gonna do, stab me? [STAB] ???: KUH!
Barret: And that this cottage exists in the -ghetto-?
Cloud: I- yes. Yes. This is Aerith's house.
Cloud: But as I was saying...
Tifa: THEY HAVE A F***ING WATERFALL!
Cloud: We need to go in there,
Cloud: We need to go in there, sit Aerith's mom down,
Cloud: We need to go in there, sit Aerith's mom down, and tell her the bad news.
Elmyra: Aerith's blonde friend! I have bad news...
My daughter's been kidnapped.
Cloud: Ooooh! N-no way! How did that happen...?
Elmyra: Well, they offered her a free helicopter ride, and...
How can anyone say no to that?
Barret: Believe it or not, very easily.
Elmyra: Ohhh! You must be the father of Marlene!
That beautiful angel Aerith brought over!
Barret: OHHH! Why, thank you for assuming that automatically!
That is a refreshin' change of pace.
Elmyra: Well, I -can- sense these things
Also, she has a gun, and your hand -is- a gun...
So, two and two together...
Barret: Fair assessment.
So where's my baby girl at?
Elmyra: Oh, she's upstairs in Aerith's room
playing 'Bar' with the cats.
[Firearm-Based Feline Slaughter]
Marlene: Extend -that- bar tab, Mr. Whiskers!
Elmyra: And I must say,
It's so nice to meet another person who adopted a child.
Cloud: U-uh, hold on. What?
Elmyra: Oh, yes!
Aerith is actually the last of an ancient race called 'Cetra!'
Who are destined to lead a chosen few to the promised land!
But anyways...
Why do you think Shinra would want to kidnap her?
Tifa: So're you gonna be renting her room at all?
[Elmyra Voiceover]
Cloud: Woah-woah hold up.
"Found?"
[Elmyra Voiceover]
[Aerith Crying]
Aerith: I can't believe my mom is dead!
[Bawling]
Elmyra: I'll be your mom!
Aerith: [Cheerfully] Okay!
Cloud: Waaait waiwaiwaiwait.
Cloud: I-I can't help but think you maaaay have skimmed some parts...
Elmyra: Oh, yes!
Aerith's birth mother did say something, actually.
Ifalna: Please take care of my daughter!
Because you are awesome!
And sell the -dankest- of inhalants.
[Unconvincing Death Rattle]
Cloud: Think. Harder.
[VHS Rewinding]
Ifalna: Shinra is...
After my daughter-and I...
We are the last of the Cetras!
Destined to bring a chosen few to the promised land!
But you see...
I'm...dying...
TO TRY THAT SWEET KUSH!
Cloud: O-okay okay close enough.
Tifa: You know that's not how adoption works, right?
Elmyra: I'm sorry,
My mind is a bit foggy from the herbal inhalants I just inhaled.
I haven't had anxiety for over twenty years.
Cloud: You do seem relaxed considering your daughter's been kidnapped.
Elmyra: [Gasp] My daughter's been kidnapped?!
Barret: MARLENE!
Barret: Now, Marlene sweetie?
Daddy needs to go and avenge his fallen comrades while rescuing the nice lady who rescued you.
So stay here and be nice to Mrs. "Aerith's Fake Mom."
HOWEVER.
If she has you sellin' ANYTHING.
Remember to take a 15% kickback.
Marlene: [Scoffs] What am I, a charity?
Barret: 25%! Exactly, baby girl! You passed the test! I love you!
Cloud: Hey...everything ready to go, man?
Barret: Cloud...
On one hand...
I'm sad to leave my baby girl here for an unforeseeable amount of time...
But on the other hand-
Cloud: -you have a gun!
Barret: ON THE OTHER HAND-UH-
This seems like a -very- safe environment for a child!
Tifa: Hey, guys! [Tifa Sounding As If She Has Had Multiple Marijuanas]
I was just eating this plate of cookies, [Tifa Sounding As If She Has Had Multiple Marijuanas]
And all the sudden this unicorn walked in! [Tifa Sounding As If She Has Had Multiple Marijuanas]
WOAH NO THE UNICORNS TURNED INTO SNAKES! [Tifa Sounding As If She Has Had Multiple Marijuanas]
Cloud: Should weeeee....
Barret: Biggadi-bounce?
Biggadi-yes.
Cloud: [Exhausted Groan]
Oh thank God that's over.
Barret: OH! Feelin' better, your majesty?
Cloud: Now that I'm on solid ground?
Yes.
Tifa: Quick question, guys...
After you come down from being ridonkulously high...
Does your mouth normally taste like paint?
Tifa: [Still High As A Kite] GUYS, THIS WALL IS MADE OF DICKS!
Cloud & Barret: [Unconvincing Affirmative Assertions]
Tifa: Oh, really? Sweet.
So, what's the plan, cause I was all 'bleaughugh.'
Barret: Well, we're down to two options:
-I- want to storm through the door, guns-a-blazin'.
Tifa: Killer!
Cloud: And -I-...
As a former SOLDIER--
Tifa & Barret: WE KNOW.
Cloud: -know the back entrance.
All we have to do is climb a few flights of stairs,
And we're in.
Tifa: Hmm...
I might still be a little high...
But I like Cloud's plan.
Barret: Ohhhh.
I see how it is!
OKAY!
Lead the way!
Cloud: Alright! Follow me!
Cloud: This isn't so bad, guys! [Everybody Panting Like A Hot Mess]
Takes me back to when I was in SOLDIER. [Everybody Panting Like A Hot Mess]
Cloud: Oh yeah, this is...
Barret: Oh my God.
Cloud: OH THIS IS...
This is a killer workout guys-this-
OH I AM FEELIN' IT!
Cloud: Oh what's this, more stairs?
[Insane Laughter]
Yeah! Oh I crack myself up!
Barret: SHUT THE F*** UP, CLOUD!
[Unintelligible Post-Marathon Babbling and Crying]
Cloud: Guys...
Tifa: WHAT?!
Cloud: The door's locked...
Tifa: [Sobbing]
Barret: [The Sound of Ultimate Suffering]
Barret: ALRIGHT!
LET'S GET THIS STARTED!
Receptionist: Oh! Hello, there!
Are you here for the Shinra bi-monthly meeting?
I take it you're with the urban development team?
Barret: Uhhhhh...
Yeah?
Receptionist: Perfect!
The meeting is on the 66th floor,
And here are your elevator passes!
Barret: Why thank you very much!
[Chuckles baffledly]
Cloud: I cannot believe we just got away with that!
Tifa: Seriously! They thought you were with Urban Develpment!
Barret: Yeah! Heh...
I mean I have no idea why they would...
Think I was in Urban...
...Development...
[Realization]
OH THAT RACIST CUNT!
Shinra Executives: [Laughter]
Tifa: What are they laughing about?
Shinra: [Chuckling] And so to Reeve I retorted:
But has the stock fallen as fast as the Sector 7 plate did
Upon our enemies?
[All Laugh Nefariously]
Tifa: Oh, you motherf***ers...
Reeve: You know, it's not funny to laugh at the loss of life like that.
Heidegger: Awh, Reeve!
Yuh just had to be there for it!
Reeve: I WAS!
I was looking out my office window,
As we killed -thousands- of innocent people!
I...
I cried...
[Another Round of Cartoon Villain Laughter]
Barret: Imma kill 'em.
Tifa: Let's do it.
Cloud: Guys, can you keep your murderboners in your pants, please?!
Tifa: You can't tell my murderboner what to do, Cloud!
Barret: We are ERECT WITH RAAAGE!
Cloud: We still need to find out where Aerith is, okay?!
Reeve: So then.
On to the meeting at hand.
All of you,
Collectively,
In this first quarter of the year,
Have gone
SEVEN.
HUNDRED.
Percent over budget
Now, I would LIKE to go over some things our money has been spent on.
STARTING, with Heidegger,
Our SECURITY exec.
DOZENS.
Of assault charges levied against you.
We had to pay off judges,
police,
the assaultees!
Heidegger: And the witnesses!
Don't forget those witnesses!
Reeve: Oh! How could I?
Because when they don't accept our bribes?
You assault them!
Thus continuing what I like to call:
The Assault Spiral!
Tifa: Oh, I am SO naming an attack after that!
Cloud: You would.
Reeve: Now on to Scarlet,
Our weapons development executive-
Scarlet: -Baroness- of Weapons Development.
Reeve: My apologies.
Reeve: The "Baroness" of Weapons Development.
You built a giant cannon.
Scarlet: Why yes I did!
Reeve: I heard it's very, very powerful!
Top of the line technology!
Scarlet: I will only accept the best!
Reeve: Yes!
But the big problem is...
It is pointing in one direction!
And...
It does.
Not.
Turn!
Thus making it...useless!
Scarlet: Funny...
I -could- say the same about you several weeks ago...
That's right!
I had SEX WITH REEVE!
Heidegger: Did he cry durin' that, too?
[Unabashed, Emasculating, Mocking Laughter]
Tifa: Oh my God!
I can't believe she would use him like that and then belittle him for it!
What a bitch!
Cloud: Really?!
Reeve: You seem to be laughing a lot, Palmer.
As the,
quote,
"Executive Chief Director of Space 'Akkisition' and All the Cool Space Stuff"
End quote,
Could you explain to me
How you spent ten-
BILLION
Gil
To buy
And I quote, again-
TEN.
SPACES?
Palmer: OH! Well that's easy!
First you take both your hands, and you make a telescope out of them!
And then! What you see in the right sky there? That's one space!
And then!
You take one billion gil--
--which is how much one space costs, by the way--
And then!
You toss it into a fire!
And the smoke delivers the payment to space!
And -that's- how ya buy space!
Shinra: Reeve. I would like the space program budget to go through you from now on.
Reeve: Thank you, sir!
Palmer: AAAAAAHHH! BUT I WANNA GO TO SPAAACE!
I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA!!!
Shinra: Fine! Cousin Palmer.
You will go to space eventually.
Palmer: AAAH! YAAAAY! SPAAAACE!
I just- e-ever since I was a child I wanted to go to-
Barret: These are the people who have been beating us.
Tifa: To be fair, we did have that pinball machine.
Cloud: Buuuut they did have that dumb secretary!
Barret: How 'bout I sue her so it's even?
Reeve: [Sigh]
I would have -preferred- to end this meeting by finally going over the science division spending issues
But! Once again!
The exec isn't here!
So! With that said-
Hojo: IF you're taking UMBRAGE with how I'm running my division...
[An Unreasonably Unpleasant and Prolonged Creepy Chuckle]
[Deep Inhale]
You can say it to my face!
Reeeeeve.
Reeve: Hojo! It's so refreshing to see you out of your lab for once!
Hojo: Well, I've been preparing our latest...
...subject for...
[Unpleasantly Unnecessary Breath]
Experimentationnnnn
-nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Cloud: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
[Another Squealy Peal of Laughter]
[Sharp Inhale]
Hojo: She's quite...
...Innocent and naive...
When I told her we would be experimenting on her...
She responded:
"But I thought that only happened in those colleges!"
Cloud: Yeeeeah that's definitely Aerith.
Tifa: Hohoh, yeah!
Hojo: The reason I'm here,
Is not to sate -your- curiosity, Reeve,
Rather...
To inform President Shinra, that
Everything is going according to plannn-
-nnnnnn
Shinra: I am most pleased, Hojo.
How long until the information about the promised land is extracted from the subject?
Barret: Oh my God. Aerith's fake hot mom was right!
Hojo: Well, that all depends on how long I have to stand here and defend my methods to a group of neanderthals...
...sir.
Shinra: Very well.
Much like a present given to my special boy:
This meeting is wrapped.
Reeve: Wait! Wait! No!
Palmer: Lookit meeee! Imma comet!
Tifa: So when they say "Extracted from the subject..."
Cloud: We have to follow Hojo.
Barret: Way ahead'a ya!
But we gotta be reaaaal sneaky-like.
Shinra: By the way, Hojo...
Are you certain that -this- Cetra will not escape like the last one?
Hojo: [Chuckle] Not to worry, sir...
The 60th floor's back door has been sealed for -years-.
Barret: MOOOTHERF****************************