You died.
Bummer.
Unfortunately, you’re not quite ready to move on, so you decide to stick around for
a while and keep an eye on your physical body.
Little do you know, you’re about to witness first-hand many of the funeral home secrets
they don’t want you to know!
Since you’re fairly young and your death was rather … unexpected, you’re going
to need a post-mortem exam.
That’s why you find yourself...or rather, your body...safely stored in a freezer in
the morgue in the basement of your local hospital.
You watch with interest as the doctor removes your body from the freezer and prepares it
for the post-mortem exam.
They start with an external exam, looking for any obvious signs of injury or recent
medical care, and taking note of any defining marks, like your freckles and tattoos.
The doctor dons a strange looking face shield to start the internal exam, which seems a
bit overkill to you… until he reaches for the saw.
The doctor uses the saw to cut open your abdomen, from your pubic bone all the way up to your
sternum, and to cut through your ribs to expose your chest cavity.
At least they’re careful not to cut too high so that your loved ones won’t have
to see evidence of the post-mortem exam during your funeral.
You can’t stop watching as the doctor proceeds to remove your organs one by one so that he
can examine each of them by turn.
They work in three blocks, starting with the thoracic area.
First they remove your lungs and heart, then loosen the skin up to your chin to get at
your tongue and throat without leaving visible marks.
Umm, thanks, I guess…
Next they remove your liver, pancreas, stomach and kidneys, and finally they take out your
kidney, bladder, bowels and reproductive organs.
Now that your body is an empty cavity, the doctor turns their attention to your organs
and examines each of them in turn.
You find it hard to pay attention to what’s happening on the bench, though, when your
body is just laying there… empty…
The doctor doesn’t find any obvious damage to any of your organs, so they take samples
to send for analysis, including a toxicology screening.
After the samples are prepared, the doctor carefully returns your organs to your body,
roughly where they belong, then carefully sews up your incisions.
You’re a little bit surprised to see that they also clean your body to remove any evidence
of the post-mortem, and they even wash your hair for you!
Finally, the doctor completes their report and releases your body to the funeral home.
Two attendants arrive to transport your body to the funeral home.
They load your body onto a stretcher, and gather up your clothes and personal belongings.
You’re relieved to see that your wallet makes it untouched into the bag with your
possessions, but then…
“Hey!”, says one of the attendants.
“This guy has a full Metro pass in his pocket!
This has got to be worth at least fifty bucks.
I’m keeping this - it’s not like he’s going to miss it!”
They both have a good laugh at that as they wheel your body and belongings out to the
waiting hearse.
After a pretty bumpy ride, you follow your body into the funeral home and into yet another
freezer.
Who knew death was so chilly!
Well, you’d better get comfortable - this is your home until the results of the post-mortem
come in.
Then your death can be registered and your embalming can begin…
A little while later - you’re not sure if it’s hours or days, time is pretty weird
when you’re dead - your body is once again pulled from the freezer and placed on a table
in the funeral home’s dedicated embalming room.
The funeral director comes in with the embalmer, chatting about the arrangements for your funeral.
“The public viewing is in two days, so we need the embalming done in time for the private
family viewing tomorrow night,” says the funeral director.
“No problem,” says the embalmer.
“Did you tell them that embalming isn’t actually necessary, especially?
I could just keep him on ice until the viewing and put a plastic suit under his clothes to
manage seepage.
It’s cheaper, especially if they’re just going to cremate him…
”
“Of course not!” says the funeral director.
“I can’t have that getting out - that would ruin us!”
They both have a good laugh while you look on, fuming.
Since there’s not much you can do about it - you’re a ghost, after all - you settle
in to watch the embalming process.
Besides...you didn’t like the sounds of “seepage”.
First the embalmer unwraps your body, then cleans it thoroughly with disinfectant spray.
Rigor mortis has set in, making all of your limbs stiff and hard to work with, so they
spend some time massaging your limbs to work it out.
Then, they make a small incision in your groin and fill your body with formaldehyde.
As you watch the formaldehyde flow through your body, you’re shocked to see your body
begin to plump up and get more colour - you’re actually starting to look more lifelike.
Creepy…
Next, the embalmer makes another incision, this time under your ribcage, and inserts
a metal suction tool called a trochar attached to a pump system into your chest cavity.
You watch with horror as they use the trochar to puncture each of your organs and drain
them of fluid - including your bladder and bowels.
Yuck!
Thankfully, the embalmer is wearing gloves and a mask, and the suction system is airtight,
so none of the fluid comes into contact with the embalmer.
Once your body is completely drained, the embalmer refills it with a litre of fluid,
which saturates your organs and mitigates any nasty smells.
Now that the embalming is complete, it’s time to prepare your body for your viewing.
You find it hard to watch the embalmer stuff your nose and throat with cotton to prevent
any smells or fluids from leaking out, but even worse is watching them dry out your eyeballs!
This is an important step, though, and if it’s skipped it can lead to liquid seeping
from your eyes, which might look like tears to your horrified family!
After drying them, plastic half-moon caps are placed under your eyelids to keep them
from collapsing into your skull, and your eyelids are glued shut.
The final indignity, though, comes when they get ready to dress your body.
After a thorough cleaning, to your dismay, the first item they put on you is an adult
diaper!
This is meant to protect the coffin and your clothes - not to mention your loved ones!
- from any leakage, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch!
Last but not least, your hair is styled, your nose and ear hair is trimmed, and some light
makeup is applied.
Your body is even treated to a last manicure!
Finally you’re dressed in your best suit, and you have to admit, you look pretty darn
good...for a dead guy!
After the embalmer leaves, two attendants enter the room wheeling a coffin on a stand.
You recognize one of the attendants from the hospital - he’s the sneaky bus pass thief
- but you don’t recognize the other one.
He looks vaguely uneasy about being so close to your body, so you conclude that he must
be new.
Your suspicions are confirmed a few minutes later when the Bus Pass Thief nods towards
the coffin and says:
“Okay newbie, go open the lid so we can get this body loaded.”
The newbie edges closer to your casket, keeping one eye on your body the whole time, as if
he half expects you to sit up any minute.
As he reaches out a hand to open the casket, the lid flies open and a body sits up and
reaches for him.
He runs from the room screaming bloody murder, and you have a feeling he won’t be back.
“Did you see him run!
What a scaredy-cat!” says the man sitting in your coffin, who you now recognize as the
other attendant from the hospital.
“I knew he wasn’t cut out for this job.
Good riddance,” says the other.
“Okay, get out and help me with him.”
Finally, they carefully place you into your coffin and wheel you out into the visitation
space.
You have a lovely service full of family and friends, and you’re happy to see that it
seems to bring them some closure.
But you’re still not quite ready to move on.
You’ve heard terrible rumours about what happens at crematoriums, so you’re going
to stick with your body for a while longer and see for yourself.
After another bumby hearse ride your casket arrives at the crematorium.
The crematory operator takes a numbered card from your coffin and places it on a board
next to what looks like a large furnace.
You realize that this is how they make sure that they know whose remains come out the
other end.
The operator opens the coffin and checks your body.
You see him notice your watch, and then watch in horror as he leans in and removes it from
your body!
“How many times do I have to tell those dummies at the funeral home to remove the
watches before they drop them off!
Don’t they know that the watch batteries can explode in the cremator?!”
You feel a bit better, but still resolve to keep an eye on your watch from now on.
Not that you can do much about it…
The operator starts the cremator by turning on the gas and heating the chamber to a scorching
seven-hundred-and-fifty degrees Celsius.
All the while they are monitoring the system by computer - you see a screen full of readings
for temperature, emissions, and oxygen levels, but it means nothing to you.
You realize that this must be a much more complex process than you thought.
Before you know it, the cremator is ready.
This is the part you were worried about - you’ve heard stories of funeral homes stealing coffins
and reselling them!
But your fears are soon calmed when you overhear the operator talking to his assistant as they
load your body - casket and all - into the furnace:
“I’m glad this guy’s family didn’t cheap out on the coffin and go for one of
those cardboard boxes”, they say.
“Those things are so inefficient.
The wood from the coffin burns first, which helps to create the perfect heat and burning
environment for an efficient and even cremation.”
“There,” they, as they shut the door to the cremator.
“That was a pretty small one, so let’s give it an hour or so.”
After an hour has passed, the operator returns to check on the progress.
They peek through a window in the side of the chamber and announce that the cremation
process is done.
You can’t resist sneaking a peak yourself, but all that you can see is a glowing pile
of ashes.
The operator shuts down the machine and leaves the assistant with the unenviable task of
raking out the remains.
Once the machine has cooled down, the assistant uses a fifteen-foot long steel rake to push
the remains through an opening at the bottom of the cremator and into a bin to cool.
Finally, the assistant picks through the bin of cooled remains, taking out any metal hardware
left over from the coffin.
When he’s done you notice there are still some large chunks in the mixture, and you
worry that he missed some hinges or screws.
The operator sets you straight when they return to inspect the remains.
“Good job, I think you got everything.
Looks like we have some bone fragments, maybe a piece of hip or shin bone.
That’s to be expected - the bigger bones don’t always break right down, and those
young bones are stronger, after all.
Don’t worry, the cremulator will take care of them.”
You barely have time to register this bit of gruesome news before the assistant whisks
the bin of your remains over to the cremulator.
A cremulator, it turns out, is a machine that uses steel balls to grind the remains into
a fine, uniform ash and filters out any unsightly bigger pieces.
Once the cremulator has done its job, your remains are transferred to the beautiful decorative
urn that your relatives have selected, and placed in a storage room to await pick up.
You’re relieved to see that your watch is placed alongside your urn - at least it didn’t
go missing!
Satisfied that your body has been properly and respectfully dealt with, you finally decide
that it’s time to leave and go explore the rest of what the other side has to offer.
Your soul is at peace now that you’ve learned the funeral home secrets they don’t want
you to know!
So, what do you think of these secrets that funeral homes don’t want you to know?
What surprised you most about the process of preparing a body for a funeral?
Be sure and let us know your thoughts on funeral home secrets in the comments!
If this got your morbid curiosity going, you’d better check out this video, called What Happens
Just Before You Die?
It will make funeral home secrets seem like the least of your worries!
Or maybe you prefer this other video instead.
Either way, click one now while you’re still alive!