So you’ve got a stable of characters for whom “running really really fast” is their
primary attribute.
Swell.
Put ‘em in a spate of platformers that helped define the 16-bit era.
As it’s been seen, judging from Sonic The Fighters and other failed attempts at spinoff
games, that’s where they belong and that’s where they should stay.
(Unless there’s pinball happening, that’s apparently perfectly fine.)
But when the Saturn hit, Sega needed to parade their shiny blue hedgehog around wherever
anyone could see it, and if that means making an utterly deplorable racing game, well, so
be it.
After all, it just MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
Or it would, if the game was just about racing.
We’ve seen racing done well in Sonic before, in the versus mode of Sonic 3.
Just take the platforming that made the series playable in the first place, put two characters
head to head to get from point A to point B, BAM.
You’ve got the answer.
Instead, Sonic R uses low-poly characters running through terrifyingly convoluted tracks,
which compensate for their poor design by mercifully presenting you with only...
five.
Five tracks in the entire game, one of which is locked.
And four racers, Dr. Robotonic (who’s locked until you beat the game), and four more hidden
characters (locked until you collect the five Sonic coins in each track and then get third
or better in the race).
That’s right, it’s a racing collectathon, just like Diddy and Banjo’s Theoretical
Kart Frustration Solution.
It wouldn’t be bad if you could scout out and explore a track outside of the context
of a race, so you could figure out your line and actually stand a chance.
That is, if the controls deign to allow you your intended direction.
But the time trial mode doesn’t have rings or emblems or anything to help you figure
this crap out.
And don’t get me started about trying to find Chaos Emeralds in each track, or the
doors that only open if you’ve collected enough rings, and that you can’t learn in
time trials anyway.
Heck, even Mega Man Battle & Chase knew where to tone it down.
That was mostly a control issue.
This game WISHES it was just a control issue.
And then the soundtrack.
Heck, even Sonic the Fighters kinda got a pass on the back of a decent musical score,
but playing this game I just kinda feel embarrassed for whoever they got to sing these clunkers.
I’ve had quesadillas less cheesy than these lyrics.
This is another one of those games sharing the title of “gems” with Sonic CD, which
is kinda laughable.
Just stick to your Sonic 3 versus mode and leave this one be, else you’ll get...
um, honestly, I don’t even know what just happened there.
Except that Amy seems to be stuck in a wall.
Oh well, at least she’s not shouting “HI I’M AMY!!!”
every eight seconds.
Then she’d have to get into a deathmatch with the background vocalist and... well,
maybe the world WOULD be a better place.