Who's number one at guessing number two?
Let's talk about that.
( theme music playing )
Good mythical morning!
Today we're gonna investigate the claim
that NASA is hiding a second sun.
- They are. - And we're taking a stand
against Doritos' plan to make less crunchy chips for women.
But first we're gonna see if we can guess
what animal excreted the poop plopped on our desk
based on poop clues alone.
Yay.
It's time for...
All right, here's how it works.
We're gonna be given poop
that was given to us from an animal sanctuary yesterday.
This is fresh poop.
We would have it no other way.
We are working together as a team.
We're gonna figure out which animal's butt the poop came from.
And if we correctly guess three or more poops,
we both win a glorious, bedazzled squatty potty.
- Ooh, yeah. - We each get one.
We don't have to share.
That's nice. I need that.
Now we have been given a bank-- a list of animals.
Like an animal bank that could possibly be-- they're our choices.
How many ways do I have to say this wrong?
Yeah, we've been given a list of animals
that the poop might've come from.
Pig, baboon, horse, armadillo, kangaroo,
raccoon, emu or porcupine.
- Hmm. Let's get sharted. - Porkypine, as I call it.
- Oh wow. - Oh gosh.
Ooh, that is-- it is fresh.
And it is putridly strong.
- It hits-- - Oh wow!
- It hits you like a-- - Man!
Like a truck in the nose.
It's a column coming up from that stuff.
But you know what? There's a lot to learn...
- Yeah. - ...from doing this.
This is science.
Let's just kinda move around, let's see what--
I'm gonna use my poopsicle stick here.
Oh, it's wetter in the middle, man.
Okay, so...
it's small turds.
I have never seen--
It's hard to talk.
It's a sour--
this animal been eating something sour.
These animals come from animal sanctuaries
and are they giving the animals in animal sanctuaries
the diets that they would typically have out in the wild?
I mean probably somewhat similar, right?
It's amazing how even moving it that far makes a difference.
Like the smell goes straight up.
- Your nose. - I will say it's not a horse.
Yeah, I've seen horse poop and this ain't it.
I've seen a lot of horse poop.
- Um-- - I have not seen--
I've never seen this.
I would think baboon poop would look like my poop.
And sometimes my poop looks like this.
We have to figure out what's in it.
But it's very uniform.
We have to crush some of it open.
I-- okay.
I believe-- go ahead and do that.
While you're doing that I will make the observation
that this is an animal that has a very uniform diet.
Like they're giving this animal a feed of some sort.
This animal eating chocolate.
You know what I'm saying? They're giving the animal a feed
because this is multiple poops.
And they're all shaped the same.
People be pooping all kinds of different ways
'cause we eat so much different stuff.
Now look at that one.
I can see this one's a little more dried.
It looks like the animal's been eating twigs, man.
I think it's a feed, man. I think this is a--
I'm gonna say this is a porcupine
or an armadillo, because it's so--
I don't know. It could be a kangaroo, though.
Don't you think kangaroo has like really circular poop like--
I think kangaroo poop is much bigger than this.
- Like a deer. - I agree.
Let's say this is porcupine.
- Porcupine. - Porkypine.
- Porkypine. - Stevie?
Stevie: You know I was questioning
why we were doing this but now I know the answer.
It's to show your poop guessing skills, because you are correct!
It is porcupine!
Man, it's got--
It looks like they've eaten gravel.
Yeah, they've been eating like beets dirt.
All kinds of different--
Give me the stick.
Let me get the poopsicle stick.
Let me get a bouquet.
Oh gosh.
This-- man, this is fresh.
Did they catch it right out of the booty?
That's somebody's job at a sanctuary.
This was not cleaned up from the ground.
This was caught from a booty.
Now, I'm seeing a cross section.
Gosh!
Like a cylindrical cross section and I think
that gives us an indication of how big this animal is.
- How big the anus is? - Yeah.
I mean, if you wanna be real about it, yes.
So I think that--
This could definitely be a baboon.
The anal opening is approximately the size of a quarter.
Which is approximately--
I mean, but they change, though. It stretches.
When stretched. So, okay.
So maybe it's not the biggest animal.
- Uh, okay-- - I mean, this could--
It's not a pig.
I think pig's more sloppy than this.
It's got hair in it.
I've seen a raccoon poop.
I see that around my house.
Lotta dirt.
I think what they're--
Do baboons eat dirt?
- Uh-- - Maybe as a joke?
Yeah, they got good senses of humor.
They do. They're very funny.
Hey, kids, gather around.
Daddy's gonna eat some dirt.
- Isn't that funny? - Yeah.
I find it funny right now.
I don't find it funny that we're doing this.
I found something else.
There's hair, there's dirt.
- No, that's a-- - There's a coffee bean.
It's a bean of some kind.
- It's a bean eater. - It's a legume I think.
I think it would smell worse if it was a baboon, though.
I'm looking at the animal bank here.
Definitely not a pig.
I think this is a kangaroo, man.
- Why? - Because it's a large animal
and it doesn't smell as--
I think a baboon's gonna smell like human poop.
Yeah, this one--
Remember that time we put the human poop
in the thing that we-- yeah.
That prank.
The college party.
It smells so bad.
I think this is kangaroo, man.
Kangaroos out in the dirt,
- kicking up-- - Yep, that's right.
- Lots of dirt. - Kicking up--
I'm with you. We're saying kangaroo.
This is emu poop.
A bird? That's a bird?
I was thinking it was gonna be a big, white pile.
They eat seeds and then they spread seeds around in their poop.
I'm having a crisis of conscious here.
Like why are we doing this?
It's our show. We can smell anything we want.
We can inspect anything.
This is important, man.
Listen, think about this.
There will come a time
in the not too distant future,
when we're all living in a post apocalyptic landscape,
- and at that point-- - There you go again.
At that point you're gonna need
to be tracking all kinds of things.
You're gonna need to know whether it's a kangaroo
or an emu or a baboon, 'cause some of them are gonna be--
Baboons are crazy.
There's a whole horror movie called "Baboon."
And you wanna know if it's tracking you
so you circle back on the poop?
Yeah, people need to know this kinda thing.
And from the little bit of footage they're getting,
and the description that we're getting,
we could save lives.
We are saving lives in the distant future today.
That's why this is important, Link.
Don't second-guess yourself.
Just smell the poop.
I did and it's very--
It looks like it's got gold leaf in it.
- It's not nearly as stinky - Is that gold leaf?
as the first one.
You can get right in there.
Oh, wow.
It doesn't have much smell at all.
Yeah, um...
And I'm using this magnifying glass
instead of getting that close to it.
Lots of granules in there.
There's some whiteness.
This is interesting.
I would've thought this was emu.
- Emu? - But we already have the emu.
I thought emu would be like bird crap.
Right, 'cause there's whiteness in here like a bird.
It's different, but I thought it would be like a slimy bird crap.
Let's see.
Is there a reptile on our list?
'Cause I could think this would be reptilian,
'cause it's green.
Green reptiles, green poop.
There's no turd integrity.
You know what I'm saying? It's like Grape Nuts.
It doesn't have any kind of shape to it.
Like I don't know what it was.
Was this a log? Was this--
oh what is that? What are you uncovering?
That is a piece of gum in there.
A huge, white, piece of chewing gum.
No, it came apart.
What kinda--
What have they been eating?
What is this-- this is not raccoon.
Again, I've seen a raccoon poop.
- I don't know. This could be raccoon. - It's got hair in there, too.
Raccoon would eat anything.
So this would be not as consistent as--
- But again that could be-- - But there's no turdishness to it.
Raccoons make turds.
This isn't even a turd.
This is just like a collection of poop granules.
It depends on--
so much on what they're eating at the sanctuary.
Oh you know what this could be?
- This could be horse. - Pig?
No, horse would have grains, man.
I think that this, with the whiteness--
You know what?
Because it's kind of exotic
and not like anything I've seen,
I'm going with armadillo.
The most exotic animal I've ever heard of.
I think armadillo's gonna be like small like rat turds.
- You do? - Like little circles.
I mean little spheres.
Not baboon. It's not horse.
- This has got to be kangaroo. - It is not horse.
Exotic, I think you're on the right track with exotic,
- but-- - Okay.
Kangaroo is our answer.
I wanted you to win so bad, but it's raccoon.
- It is raccoon? The raccoon! - Yes.
And did you know that raccoons tend to return
to the same place each time they need to poop?
That's 'cause they're classy.
Oh look, it's another big pile of poop!
- Horse. - From a horse.
- Horse. - This is a horse.
It's full of straw.
I don't even have to touch it to know that.
- Oh gosh. - Ooh, it's cold.
You been refrigerating this stuff, David?
What are you preserving it for?
Both: Horse!
Okay, but can you name some alternative names
for horse poop? You're right.
Both: Equine droppings.
Oh no, I'm thinking horse buns, road apples, horse pucky,
horse chips, horse hooey, and horse apples.
But you're right.
Those are all good suggestions.
Horse hooey?
- Horse hooey. - Horse apples. Hmm.
I'm gonna open my eyes and get a surprise.
- Oh, a little poop! - It's a little poops.
Isn't that cute?
Ooh, strong.
Ooh, gosh.
- This is-- - Oh gosh.
That smells like humans, man.
That smells like human poop.
( gagging )
It's so bad.
My eyes are watering.
Oh, and you're--
I mean, in a couple of times
that I put a popsicle stick in my own poop,
it responded just like this.
I mean, we're in baboon territory at this point.
I mean, it's easily pick upable and chunkable.
It does smell like a pig farm, though.
Those primates love to do that.
Pigs are so much like humans
that we can use their hearts and stuff.
- That's a good point. - Can we use their sharts?
That's the question today.
That's a good point. I do think it's between those two.
It's a pig or a baboon.
It could've come from a kangaroo.
There's a carrot bit in there.
- Well that could-- - Is that orange?
That could be any of those three.
Pig, baboon, or kangaroo.
Rabbit and kangaroo are like distant cousins.
It's all so very circular, though.
I mean, that could be--
Hmm, a big animal
- with a circular turd-- - It could be a small pig.
Like a potbelly pig.
- I think-- - This stinks so bad.
So bad, we gotta get it outta here.
Let's go with our instincts.
I'm saying potbelly pig.
What is our instinct?
It smells so much like my own bathroom trips.
I wanna say baboon but pigs are similar to humans.
I don't know. Pig or baboon, man?
Pigs. It's a pig, man.
Don't you think pigs would be sloppier?
No.
- Okay, pig. - Pig.
Are you sure?
- No, baboon. - Baboon.
- It's baboon! - Yes!
Yay! Okay.
And they do throw their poop a lot,
but researchers recently discovered
that throwing poop is a sign of intelligence.
That's what my kids have been telling me for years.
Here's another one.
There's a freaking piece of bamboo on top of this one.
- I think that-- - Is that part of it?
That's actually a coffee straw.
Somebody's been drinking up coffee.
Is that a clue?
Now, on the last one,
Stevie, I mean you basically told us we were wrong.
So we're not gonna take that point.
- We're gonna let it come down to this... - If you had agreed with me...
- ...to get the squatty potties. - ...we would've gotten the point.
But we didn't officially do that, so...
And we've narrowed it down now
to pig, armadillo and kangaroo.
I'm gonna say that this is kangaroo
- and here's why. - More hair.
- Lots of straw. - I believe--
Again, I said a second ago that I thought that--
I feel like a kangaroo
and a deer are like in a similar situation.
You know, I'm saying? Like the ears,
and the face, and like--
so I kinda feel like I know what deer poop looks like.
It looks like little uniform balls
that have a lot of grass in them.
And that's what this looks like.
I expect an armadillo-- he's on the ground all the time--
They eat insects and stuff I think.
- Yeah, yeah. - They don't eat this much.
They're eating insects.
And of course this isn't-- this can't be a pig.
Why not? It could be a pig?
Well, no, pigs don't just eat that much--
They don't eat that much hay.
A pig would need to go see the doctor.
So we are saying that definitely,
without a shadow of a doubt,
no poop left unturned.
Both: Kangaroo.
Well, it looks like you boys got yourself some squatty potties.
( cheering )
And did you know when kangaroos are babies
they poop in their moms pouches.
Ooh, they do?
Then what does a mom do with it?
She sloughs it out.
So you put your feet on this when you're pooping
and it brings your knees up higher
so you poop like humans are supposed to.
Right, it's good for the sphincter.
You know what else is good for the sphincter?
Continuing to watch this show.
Rhett:
that women like their chips just as crunchy as men do.
Link:
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