(ominous music)
(screaming)
(grunting)
- Keisha, go on without me.
- No, I can't leave you like that!
- I'll only slow you down!
- Okay, but I hope you make it!
- Keisha wait, before you go,
please tell Greg Matthews that I love him.
- Okay girl, I got you.
- Keisha wait, wait!
What's the name of that one Katy Perry song that goes,
♫ Baby you're a firework
- Firework, girl, I gotta go!
- Keisha wait!
Please!
- What, Kimber?
- Do you like my bangs?
- Oh.
Well you know they are kinda cute,
but they're a little like, crooked right here,
they're just oh my god!
(grunting)
(slashing of metal)
- [Narrator] Every Horror Film Ever.
- And she drifted into the night,
and was never heard from, ever again.
- Scary.
- That story's so not true.
- But you all believed it.
Alright, well I'm gonna go in the forest
and take some selfies by myself.
Be right back!
- So, um.
- [Selfie Girl] Ahhhh!
Someone's stabbing me in the back
super hard!
- Was that Sarah?
- I'm gonna go check on her by myself.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- Whoa, Deb.
I need my space, okay?
I'll be right back.
Geez.
(screaming)
There is definitely someone stabbing
people over here.
I highly recommend nobody come over here.
- [Narrator] Every Horror Film Ever.
(Gasping)
- Oh my god, Carrie, are you moving it?
- No way, are you?
- No!
- Oh my god, this is so scary!
(carnival music)
- Lucy, are you moving it?
- No, are you?
- No.
- This is so scary!
- [Narrator] I see you.
- We have to go into the forest and help them.
- Do you really think that's a good idea?
- I can't just sit here and do nothing!
- Okay, well, just please don't go alone.
- Jared, you come with me.
- We'll be right back.
- Oh, we should probably split up.
- Smart.
- [Both] I'll be right back.
(screaming)
- [Jared] Nobody enter the forest!
(screaming)
- [Other Guy] The only way to survive
is to stick together.
- [Narrator] I think people died in this house.
- Oh my god, I'm the only one left.
Good thing I'm a virgin.
(giggling)
Wait.
You guys are alive?
You guys aren't virgins.
You guys have sex like, all the time.
(screaming)
- It's cool dude, we only do butt stuff.
- Oh my god, I am so sorry.
That's so my bad.
You know, you just get it mixed up sometimes, you know,
yeah, but uh, anyways, you butt (bleep)ers be safe, okay?
- [Narrator] Every Horror Film Ever.
- Weldon, we have to get out of here.
- We need to get out of here ASAP.
But I'm gonna go check on that commotion
in the forest real quick.
I'll be right back.
- No.
(dragging across dirt)
(screaming)
- [Weldon] I just impaled myself on a knife.
(screaming)
(grunting)
(ominous chase music)
- Oh my god, we are so gonna die.
- Yeah, but I'm gonna die first.
It's always the black guy.
The oppressed always get the short end of the stick.
- Okay wait, hold on.
If we're talking about oppressed,
I'm clearly gonna die first.
- What?
Haven't you heard of the Holocaust?
This guy is clearly anti-Semitic.
- Okay, I get that, but my people were
forced to build a railroad.
- Mine too!
- Yes, ours was above ground.
- Yeah, exactly, and mine was below,
which means I'm gonna get killed first.
- I should be the one who dies first.
- Oh, don't tempt me!
- Okay, I'll kill you both before you die first.
- I am so gonna live.
(screaming)
- Oh, wow.
Look at that.
I guess times are a changin'!