Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a child and family psychologist here to teach you how to teach
kids the importance of self-control.
We do a lot of positive parenting here on this channel and today, I'm going to share with you
a four-part formula for teaching kids one of the most effective principles. As a parent,
you get to teach your kids a lot of things. The importance of self-control is probably going to
make a bigger difference to them than anything else that we could teach them. Because eventually,
as parents we want to work ourselves out of a job. So that our kids are making good decisions
for themselves. They're practicing self-control and it's important first for kids to understand
that there are two kinds of control. So, this is step one, teach that there are 2 kinds of control.
There's self-control and there's others-control. Self-control is the kind of control that you
exert over your own life. Others-control is when other people come in and try to control you.
Help your kids to understand that there are those two kinds of control that immediately lead us
into step two. After teaching the two kinds of control we want to teach our kids that somebody
has to be in control. Somebody has to be or else there is no control. So, who is it going to be?
And there's a lineup for the control. I teach kids this as young as four-five years old that they
get to have first [inaudible] on it. They get the first crack at the control and
as you're talking at your kids get down on your level. So, if you got a 10 or 11-year-old you
can approach them a little differently. Then if you've got four-five years old
and you approach them differently than you would have for 14 and 15 years old.
But just approach them on your level and help them understand line up. Here's what it looks like,
first in line is you. You get the first crack out of it. Isn't that awesome? You
get to be first in line for control over your own life. Guess who is second? Your parents,
right. Your parents, your mom, your dad, they get a second shot at it. What that means is
if you're out of control your parents are next in line to take control over your life.
Guess whos third in line? Now, this is where we get some interesting answers.
Because sometimes kids or even adults would say, "I don't know, friends maybe? teachers?",
teachers are closer than friends in terms of being accurate. But neither one is quite it.
Friends have influence but they don't have control. They don't have the power or the
authority to take control of your life. So, whos third in line? The state. Meaning the government
like the police or the courts or the law. Now, the police do have the power and the authority
to take control of you if you're out of control and your parents can get control. So, how do you
like that? As a professional psychologist, I've been in the unfortunate position to call the state
and invite the space to come in and take control. Now, if you're a parent
hopefully, this scares you a little and I don't share this with you to scare you. I just want you
to be clear about somebody's gonna be in control. So, we're teaching our kids these principles.
Somebody has to be in control. The next thing that I want to do
is be really clear about what my vote is and here's how I will present it to a kid.
Hey, you know who I think should be in control of your life, and usually, at this point,
kids are like, "Ah, me?", I'm like, "Yes, you". You are the very best person on the whole planet
to be in control of your life. I vote for you and at this point kids if they're working with me
like if their parents brought them and to see me or something. They'll be kind of like,
"Really? You think I should be in control on my own?", oh yeah,
absolutely. I think you are the very best person on a whole planet to be in control of your life.
I vote for you and parents share this with your kids. You put yourself in that position too.
I vote for you. I think you're the very best person to be in control of your life.
Now, we've already set it up that somebody has to be in control and so if you're out of control.
Guess who I'm gonna vote for the second to be in control of your life? Do you wanna guess?
You're right, it's your parents. Why? Because they love you. You know what, the state doesn't. The
government does not love you not as your parents do. Look, if you're out of control I hope your
parents will step up and take control because they love you and they want good things for you.
Remember, I'm still voting for you. I want you to be in control of your own life. I'm going to
take you right into step three in just a minute. But before I do that, if you enjoy the kind of
content you're getting here in this channel and through this video. Would you just take a moment
to hit that subscribe button and while you're at I hit the notification bell too so that you'll be
notified anytime we have new content for you about positive parenting? Let's go to step three.
When we're teaching our kids self-control we want to be a good example obviously, and so were going
to acknowledge in step three that we personally doing what we can to gain control of ourselves.
So, it may sound something just like that. Hey, you know what buddy? I'm doing everything I can
to be in control of me because I'm your parent and if you're not in control of yourself I wanna be
in control of myself so that I can step up and take care of any of the control that you need.
You don't need the state to come in. You don't need the police or the courts to take over.
Were gonna handle it right here. So, I'm gonna do everything that I can to be in control of myself.
I'm doing this because I love you too much to allow you to be out of control. If you're out of
control your life gets worse. I want you to be in control. Remember, I vote you. I want you to be in
control of your life. If you can't or if you don't I'm gonna be ready to do that coz I love you too
much to just allow you to be out of control. Now, notice the phrasing that I use there,
"I love you too much to allow that", think about it, as a parent that's really where you're coming
from. You don't want to be controlling. I still remember that kid that was seating on my couch
13 years old. He's got an attitude, [inaudible] backward and he is just mad as his mom brought
him in and she's explaining everything that she's concerned about. I'm taking notes,
right. I'm a psychologist working with his family and then I turned to him and I said,
"What do you think is the problem?", and he got this indignant look on his face and he pointed
right at his mom and he said, "She is trying to control my life", and I turned to the mom and I'm
like, "What's the deal? You're trying to control his life?", she's like, "No, heavens no. I've
got plenty of things to do on my own. I want him to control his life so I don't have to",
right? Kids sometimes think that we want to control their lives we don't. So,
let's be right up front about that "Hey, I don't want to control your life. I think
you're the best person on all planet to control your life and I love you too much
to allow that to be out of control. Coz I don't want to see you got to the state and get locked up
or something and so, because I love you I'm gonna keep myself in control so that I can step up and
help you out if you need a little help with your own control", that sounds good? Now, keep smiling.
Because when parents are smiling kids are thinking. Keep that in mind. Now, let's
wrap this up with step four which is 3 powerful messages that you get to send with your kids,
and for me, this is the culmination of what positive parenting is all about. We don't
control our kids. We have to step up and take appropriate control when they're out of control.
But part of teaching control is to help your kids understand your position as a parent and
I capitalize it with these three messages. Message number one, I love you no matter what and even if.
I love you unconditionally, you can never change that. There's nothing you can possibly do that
can stop me from loving you. Powerful message as a parent and that's an easy one, right? Because you
do love your kids. Let's communicate it regularly. Message number two, if you have any questions,
ask. I'm here for you. I'll be around the block a few times. I know some stuff and I'll be happy
to answer. Now, notice you're not cramming it down their throats. If you have any questions,
ask. I'm here for you. I'm on your team. I'm your biggest fan and then message number three,
Good luck. I know this is one of the hardest ones for parents to say because you really want to get
into their micro-managing controls sometimes because you love them so much. But really,
the powerful empowering message of good luck is an acknowledgment that things are gonna be tough out
there but you've got this. Hey, I know there's gonna be challenges but you can learn from your
mistakes. Good luck with this and you're driving by the way. But don't forget messages one and two,
I love you no matter what and even if. If you have any questions I'm here. Come ask me. Good
luck. Hey, hopefully, that gave you a few ideas but how to teach your kids about this important
principle. We've got your back, you don't have to do this alone. Come over to our positive parenting
web class. I think you're going to love this, drpauljenkis.com/parenting. We've got you.
Were gonna dive in deeper and help you find out a new way to approach your job as a parent.