You've had relationships where you couldn't trust the guy.
Maybe you caught him in a series of lies. Maybe he had a history as a player.
Maybe you have a history of being cheated on.
Whatever it is, trust issues can completely sink your relationship. After listening to this Love U
Podcast, you will never again have a relationship with a man you can't trust. Stick around.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Keep listening to discover how to handle trust
issues in your relationship. When we're done, I'll let you know how you can apply to Love
U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
I've done a few episodes on trust (if you go back through the archives if you have the
patience to do so) so forgive me if you've heard these stories before because I do have a few
go-to stories when it comes to dealing with trust.
Perhaps the most famous Evan Marc Katz trust-based story
was the one that took place after I got married. My wife and I got engaged in 16 months.
We were both adults, and we had about six months to plan a wedding. We didn't even have time to
move in together until two months after we were married. So we came home from our honeymoon,
returned to Los Angeles, tried to figure out a place to live where we can combine our lives in
our late 30s and found this gorgeous four-bedroom apartment in the center of town. Candidly,
I was freaked out. I was freaked out about being married. I wasn't sure that I did the right thing.
We got engaged quickly. I wish I had a year longer to think about doing the right thing,
but I didn't because she was thirty-eight, and we wanted to have a family. So we were really rushed,
got married, and moved in together afterwards. And I remember she went on a business trip, and I had
some anxiety about whether I did the right thing, which is a horrible thing to feel.
It's certainly an awful thing for my wife to feel. But those were the circumstances
under which my wife went on a business trip. Only a couple of months after we got married, she
went away too, I believe, Argentina for two weeks. While she's gone, I'm used to being single. I've
been single my whole life. That's easy. So what do I do? I live my life almost like I did before she
was there. I spent a lot of time catching up with my friends. I probably spent more time working. I
probably worked twelve-hour days when she was gone. I just kept busy because she wasn't there.
My wife comes back a couple of weeks later, and it's the first day back from work, and she
turns to me and knocks on my door in my office at the end of the day and says, "Can we talk?"
I don't believe she ever said either before or after, "Can we talk?" This was my first.
"Can we talk?" I said, sure, "yeah. Whatever you want. Yeah." And so she sits me down, and she goes
very gently. "Do you have anything you need to tell me?" I said, "no." I mean,
I don't know what she's talking about. "Did you have anybody here while I was gone?"
I mean, my assistant Salva was here. We did a little work one night. But
I mean, no, I didn't host anybody. I didn't entertain anybody.
"You sure?" Yeah, I'm sure. She pulled out a pair of panties. "I found this in our hamper."
I was shocked because I didn't do anything wrong. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but here's
some physical evidence that I did. So this is a bizarre situation. And she said, "I believe you."
This is the point of the story as we go through the story.
My wife believes me, even though she has physical evidence. That something
else happened that says something about the kind of trust that we have.
And so we start theorizing, coming up with a bunch of wild ideas about how this could have happened.
My wife had a friend who stayed at our place for New Year's Eve who went to Australia,
and she asked, "Hey, did you leave any panties at our place?" Like, we're racking our brains to try
to figure things out, and nothing's coming to us. And it takes a couple of weeks. And then because
we live in Los Angeles and it's a pretty strange town, the TV show Curb Your Enthusiasm is filming
at our place. The landlord put our apartment up, and it was the Wendy Wheelchair episode.
If you remember the Wendy Wheelchair episode with its long hardwood floor, he rolls down.
So they were shooting the Wendy Wheelchair episode at our place
fourteen years ago. And the landlord comes down to watch Larry David and the whole camera crew,
and my wife offers to the landlord, "are these your panties?" It turns out
that the landlord lived in the apartment before we did. January 1st, we move in;
they've got this front loader washer with a rubber lip that eats panties and socks. It spits out two
more pairs of panties that week. And so it turns out we put the whole thing together. I
know this is a tangent off of a tangent. Still, the story happens to be bizarre
because I was exonerated because we figured out the mystery of the panties and because
we had a relationship where my wife trusted me over her own eyes. That's one story of trust.
Ask yourself what you would do in the same situation.
Just think about that, what you would do if you were my wife in the same situation.
Next story, my beloved girlfriend from my early 30s. I was crazy
about it, but she never trusted me because she had tried a polyamorous relationship. She had
body issues and lost weight but still carried a chip on his shoulder about how men didn't
find her attractive before. But they do now. And so, she had a lot of confidence issues.
And so she always thought I was doing something terrible, and I never really was.
She would check my search history on my computer. She would monitor who I talk to at parties.
She ended up breaking up with me after I spent a weekend with her at her aunt's seventieth birthday
party in Las Vegas. And I passed up going to a friend's bachelor party. But she found out
through me that my friend went to a strip club at the party, and she broke up with me
because my friends went to a strip club, not because I went. After all, I was with her.
She broke up with me because I had friends who would go to a
strip club. That was our third and final breakup.
And so I was always paying for the sins of other men who came before me. And when we were dating,
she would be like, "if you ever cheated on me, I would expect you to tell me." And I said,
"I've never cheated on anybody in my life." I said, "if I did cheat on someone,
I mean, what would the consequences be?" "Well, I'd break up with you." I said, "So you're telling
me the reward for telling you the truth, if I was unfaithful, that you dumped my ass?" And she's
like, "yeah." I said, "well, what incentive do I have to tell you the truth about it?"
So these are the kind of conversations that we would have these circular conversations
about a fictional version of me who's unethical and cheats. And it just became tiring. And we
break up and make up and break up and make up. But the reason we broke up was always in her
head. It was always her perception that she was unsafe and that I was going to do something wrong.
I tell these two stories at length to contrast,
if you're me, which relationship do you think feels better?
If you're a trustworthy guy, again, we're not talking about cheaters today.
If you're dating a trustworthy guy, which relationship do you think that trustworthy
man wants to be in, the one where he's trusted or the one where he's constantly mistrusted?
Your retort, the thing that might be going through your head, is this,
"Aha, you say, but my guy ISN'T a trustworthy guy. I checked his DMs on Instagram, and I saw
him flirting with models. I heard from a friend that he hit on her at a party.
I saw his phone when I left it out, and he was sexting with someone whose name I don't know."
Perfect. Break up with him!
Do you think I made this podcast to teach you how to talk to a cheater?
To convince a liar that he shouldn't lie? To change a tiger's stripes? No.
If you can't trust him, you can't date him. Period. The phrase we use in Love U
is full trust or no trust. In Love U, we teach that trust isn't earned.
It's given. It's the presumption of innocence rather than the presumption of guilt.
Now you may think that's crazy given all the men who've cheated on you. Why would
I GIVE that guy my trust? Wrong question. Why would you date anyone you CAN'T trust?
This is not a defense of the worst men. This is merely to say that if you want to
have a successful relationship, you have to choose a man you can trust.
And if you can't, I highly encourage you to go to my website and watch the free video on
picking your broken man-picker. You shouldn't go the rest of your life
wondering whether you can trust the most important person in your life.
My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast.
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And if you want to have an easy relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood, look
for the link below or go to www.evanmarckatz.com to watch my free video about how to gain
confidence, attract quality men and fix your broken man-picker. When you're done, you can apply
to Love U Live to join hundreds of other smart, strong, successful women from around the world
in a coaching community where women like you get the unconditional love you deserve. See you there.