>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED THAT BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT IS THE LOWEST
IT HAS EVER BEEN. BEFORE THE WAR I'M PRETTY SURE
BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT WAS AT ZERO. >>> AND THERE IS A SEARCH FOR AN
URN FULL OF A REMATED REMAINS. >> THIS WEEK MARKS CHRIS
CHRISTIE'S LAST WEEK AS GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY.
>>> SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A SHARK THAT CAN EXTEND IT'S JAW.
THEY SAY THAT THE SHARK IS CLEANING UP ON GRINDR.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP RECENTLY CANCELED A TRIP TO LONDON
BECAUSE OF THE RELATIONSHIP OF PRESIDENT OBAMA WITH THE ROYAL
FAMILY. HERE TO COMMENT IS PRINCE
WILLIAM AND PRINCE HARRY. >> WHAT'S GOING ON, MICHAEL?
>> GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING.
>> YEAH. IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU, AND
THANK YOU FOR COMING ALL THE WAY FROM LONDON.
>> MICHAEL, WE'D LIKE TO FIRST APOLOGIZE.
UNFORTUNATELY WILLIAM'S HAIR WAS UNABLE TO MAKE IT THIS EVENING.
>> HILARIOUS. A BALD JOKE.
WELL, BUZZ THE SIDES, ROCKING THE BRUCE WILLIS LOOK BROKE THE
INTERNET. >> BRUCE WILLIS SHAVES IT ALL,
MATE. YOU LEFT THE SIDES.
YOU LOOK LIKE BALD LARRY DAVID. >> SPEAKING OF HAIR, HOW WAS THE
QUIDDITCH MATCH, RON BEASLEY? >> RON BEASLEY?
WHO'S RON BEASLEY? >> HE'S THE REDHEAD ONE.
>> IT'S RON WEASLEY, MATE. >> OH, WHO CARES?
NOBODY KNOWS. >> EVERYBODY KNOWS!
>> OKAY, OKAY. >> HARRY POTTER MAKES UP LIKE,
HALF OF ENGLAND'S ECONOMY. [ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE HAIR.
>> WHAT HAIR? BOOM.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY, I MADE HIM MAD.
MATE, I'M SORRY. I LOVE YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU MORE. >> COME HERE.
>> BANGERS, MASH, HELLO. THAT'S OUR COOL SECRET
HANDSHAKE. >> OH, YEAH, I SAW IT.
IT'S VERY COOL. BEFORE YOU GIVE YOUR STATEMENT,
I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR COMING TO THE SHOW.
>> OF COURSE, MICHAEL. WE LOVE AMERICAN TELLY.
MY BROTHER'S FIANCEE MEGHAN MARKLE IS ON AN AMERICAN
PROGRAM CALLED "SUITS." >> WOO!
>> WEDNESDAYS, 8:00 PM, USA NETWORK.
>> OKAY. VERY DIFFERENT SHOW, THOUGH, IN
THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH THIS ONE.
THIS ONE. >> OH, HILARIOUS.
RIGHT? WHAT IS IT YOU'RE ALWAYS
WATCHING? KATE'S HANDBAG.
HE GOES SHOPPING WITH KATE FOUR TIMES A WEEK.
SHE LIKES HATS. >> KATE IS MY WIFE.
>> I KNOW WHO KATE MIDDLETON IS. >> SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN, A
GREAT MUM. YEAH.
WHENEVER THE KIDS ARE BEING A BIT FUSSY AND NOT GOING TO BED,
SHE PUTS ON AN EPISODE OF "SUITS" AND THEY'RE OUT.
HELLO! >> DID YOU GIVE HIM A WET
WILLWILLY? >> YES, IN ENGLAND, IT'S A MOIST
MATTHEW. >>
>> ALL RIGHT, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD REMIND EVERYONE WHY
YOU'RE HERE, WHICH IS TO ADDRESS THE RUMORS PRESIDENT TRUMP
CANCELLED HIS UK TRIP BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY'S RELATIONSHIP WITH
THE OBAMAS. >> RIGHT-O.
OKAY. AHEM.
THE BUCKINGHAM PALACE DOES NOT COMMENT ON POLITICAL MATTERS.
THANK YOU AND GOODBYE. >> PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCE
HARRY, EVERYBODY. >>> SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE
BRITISH GOVERNMENT APPOINTED A MINISTER OF LONELINESS TO DEAL
WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS STEMMING FROM SOCIAL ISOLATION.
IT REPLACES THE CURRENT BRITISH MINISTER OF LONELINESS, SAM
SMITH. COINCIDENTALLY MINISTER OF
LONELINESS WAS ALSO MY NICKNAME IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A LESBIAN IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
>>> A PENNSYLVANIA MAN WAS ARRESTED FOR WALKING HIS DOG
WITHOUT WEARING APANTS. EVEN WORSE HE WAS WALKING HIM TO
GET MORE PEANUT BUTTER. >>> THIS WEEK SPECIAL COUNCIL
ROBERT MUELLER MAY HAVE REACHED A DEAL WITH STEVE BANNON IN
EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY IN THE RUSSIAN INVESTIGATION.
HERE TO COMMENT IS ROBERT MUELLER.
HERE IS COMMENT NOW IS ROBERT MUELLER.
>> HEY, HOW ARE YOU? >> I'M ROBERT MUELLER.
>> I KNOW. >> I WANTED TO COME OUT TO
ENSURE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT OUR INVESTIGATION IS PROGRESSING
SMOOTHLY AND WE'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO A TIMELY AND ORDERLY
CONCLUSION. >> THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT. CAN YOU GIVE US ANY SENSE OF HOW
IT IS GOING? >> YOU KNOW, I OBVIOUSLY CAN'T
DISCUSS PARTICULARS OF AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION, BUT --
YEAH, WE'RE GOOD. >> REALLY?
>> UH-HUH. YEAH.
I MEAN -- NO, NO. JUST WAIT, YOU'LL SEE.
>> BUT EVEN WITH LIKE ALL OF THE TRUMP AND --
>> YEAH YEAH YEAH, WE'RE GOOD. THE SITUATION IS UNDER CONTROL.
COLIN, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, I HAVE ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF JARED
KUSHNER -- OH, WOW! I ALMOST SAID SOMETHING.
THAT IS MY BAD. I WANT TO TELL YOU SO BAD, BUT
IT'S GOING TO BE FUN. >> SO WAIT, HOLD ON, I TAKE IT
YOU HAVE HARD EVIDENCE? >> COLIN, I CANNOT COMMENT, BUT
YEAH. BIG TIME.
YOU JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW, BROTHER.
I JUST -- CAN I TELL THEM WHAT -- I WANT TO TELL THEM ONE
THING. OH, NO, I SHOULDN'T, I
SHOULDN'T. DON JR., HE LITERALLY WROTE IN
HIS VENMO DESCRIPTION -- RUSSIA -- OH, MAN, I CAN'T.
IT HURTS, OH, GOSH, OH,MAN -- >> WOW.
I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT IF TRUMP FIRES YOU FIRST?
>> HE COULD, BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.
YEAH, CATS OUT OF THE BAG, AND THE BAG IS FULL OF MICHAEL
FLYNN'S WIRETAPS. >> YOU PUT A WIRE ON FLYNN?
>> I CANNOT CONFIRM OR DENY, BUT IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME TO BANK
THE DESK IF I DID. >> BANG THE DESK IF IT IS REAL.
IS THERE MORE THAN ONE. >> IS THIS TREASON?
>> WOW. IT'S NUTS.
COLIN YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE GUY DIDN'T LEAVE ME A TRAIL OF
BREAD CRUMBS, HE LEFT ME FULL LOAVES.
FRESH SEVEN-GRAIN LOAVES FROM PANERA BREAD.
I'M HAVING A BLAST. .
>> CAN YOU GIVE US A SENSE OF HOW IT ENDS?
>> YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE THE SHOW "LOST," BUT THERE WAS NO
SATISFYING ENDING? THIS IS AINT LOST
>> For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost
>> I'm Micael Che. Good night! ♪♪♪