LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
OF COURSE, IT WAS ANOTHER BIG DAY IN THE DEMOCRATIC
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
SIX MORE STATES WENT TO THE POLLS TODAY TO CHOOSE BETWEEN
BERNIE SANDERS AND JOE BIDEN.
NOW, WE TAPE THE SHOW BEFORE WE GET THE RESULTS, SO AT THIS
POINT, WE'RE NOT SURE IF VOTERS WILL CHOOSE THE ELDERLY WHITE
MAN WHO'S CONSTANTLY YELLING, OR THE ELDERLY WHITE MAN WHO'S
CONSTANTLY RAMBLING.
( LAUGHTER ) TOUGH TO KNOW.
ACCORDING TO POLLING, BERNIE SANDERS APPEALS TO YOUNGER
VOTERS, WHILE JOE BIDEN IS DOING BETTER WITH OLDER VOTERS.
BERNIE DOES WELL WITH YOUNGER VOTERS, BECAUSE OF HIS POLICIES
LIKE MEDICARE FOR ALL AND FREE COLLEGE.
WHILE BIDEN DOES WELL WITH OLDER VOTERS BECAUSE OF HIS
POLICY OF STILL USING THE WORD "MALARKEY" IN 2020.
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE IS MORE POPULAR THAN EVER
WITH YOUNG VOTERS.
IN RESPONSE TO THIS, HIS CAMPAIGN HAS NOW STARTED BILLING
HIM AS "BERNIE EILISH."
( LAUGHTER ) SOME BIG SCIENTIFIC NEWS TO
TELL YOU ABOUT.
ASTRONAUTS ON BOARD THE INERNATIONAL SPACE STATION HAVE
DISCOVERED THAT LETTUCE GROWN IN SPACE IS MORE NUTRITIOUS THAN
LETTUCE GROWN HERE ON EARTH.
YEAH.
OH, INDEED!
I KNOW!
"SPACE LETTUCE" IS RICHER IN NUTRIENTS SUCH AS POTASSIUM AND
ZINC.
NOW, TO BE CLEAR, WHEN WE SAY "SPACE LETTUCE," ARE WE OR ARE
WE NOT TALKING ABOUT WEED?
( LAUGHTER ) LETTUCE GROWN ON THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION IS HEALTHIER.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE BRUNCH IS GOING TO GET
ONCE RESTAURANTS START SERVING LETTUCE THAT'S "SPACE TO TABLE."
( LAUGHTER ) WE GET IT FROM SPACE, THEN
STRAIGHT TO THE TABLE!
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, WE HAVE SOME NEWS
RELATED TO THE CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK.
TODAY, HARVARD UNIVERSITY TOLD ITS STUDENTS TO STAY HOME AFTER
SPRING BREAK.
CLASSES FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER WILL BE HELD ENTIRELY
ONLINE.
SO, NOW IF SOMEONE BRAGS TO YOU THAT THEY GO TO HARVARD, YOU CAN
SAY, "OH, YEAH, COOL.
THAT'S ONE OF THOSE ONLINE SCHOOLS, RIGHT?"
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, STUDENTS AT U.S.C.
ARE ALSO BEING TOLD TO STAY HOME, BECAUSE THEIR RICH, FAMOUS
PARENTS ARE STILL UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR BRIBERY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALSO TODAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT, DUE TO CORONAVIRUS, THE
MUSIC FESTIVAL COACHELLA HAS NOW BEEN POSTPONED UNTIL OCTOBER.
IN FACT, HEADLINER "RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE" HAS ALREADY CHANGED
THEIR NAME TO "RAGE TO GET THE VACCINE."
AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY MUSICAL ACT THAT PLANS TO BE IN
COACHELLA IN OCTOBER.
YOU CAN ALSO COUNT ON MILEY VIRUS, JUSTIN FEVER, THE FLU
FIGHTERS, PANDEMIC! AT THE DISCO.
WE GOT LIKE A HUNDRED OF THESE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY BAND YET TO CONFIRM IS
THE CURE.