We've already given you some communication videos. How to improve
communication in marriage. Today, you get some examples of how to improve
communication in marriage from us. We got to start somewhere and probably the best
place to start Vicki is one that we've talked about in several other
videos. -We talked about it in parenting a lot but I use this in marriage as well.
-Right. It's called the do-over. You might be familiar with this. We all goof up
from time to time. And so, let's say for example Vicki that you and I are having
a conversation and I say something stupid and boneheaded like I do
sometimes. And you react maybe a little more harshly than you mean to. -And a
lot of the times this will happen when you're kind of a little bit... For me, it
happens when I my attention is a little divided. And so, I'll catch something
you said and I'll just throw something at you and I'll like, "Oh, wait. That came
off a lot more harsh than I expected. Can I do that over? Here is what I wish I
would have said or how I would have liked to have responded to you." -Now, let
me tell you how that impacts me. Because when I hear you saying that Vicki, when...
First of all, if you react a little more harshly than you intended to, I
usually feel... -A little attacked. -A little attacked. A little tipped over. A little
hurt by that. And my defenses are likely to come up. But give me the wording again.
How did you say that? -That came out a little more harshly than I expected or that I
wanted it to. Can I have a do-over? -Yeah. As soon as she says that, my
defensiveness melts. Okay? That in itself is the do-over. -You know... And I've
done it before it's sometimes where I'm not even sure if he's taken... It's like,
I'll just go, "Wow! I just kind of replayed that in my mind and listen to how that
sounded. And I kind of want to do that over." And sometimes it's helpful. And
he was hoping for it and other times like, "Yeah, I didn't even get tipped over
by that. But that's great. So, we practice
do over a lot probably more me than him. -Let's go to the other side of that
for a minute, Vicki because I mentioned that sometimes I get defensive.
And this is really, really common. In couple dynamics, the most common pitfall
that people run into is what John Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the
Apocalypse. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt
and stonewalling. Now, notice that the second part of that negative cascade is
defensiveness. I sometimes react defensively when I feel attacked. Now,
that's whether you intend to attack me or not. -Right. -And honestly, I mean she's
the most Christ-like person I know on the whole planet.
She doesn't intend to hurt me ever but sometimes the way... If you react too
harshly like we talked about before, I'm going to feel defensive. Now, let's go to my
side of that for a minute. What can I do if I'm feeling defensive. Here's what I
would suggest. Go instead to listening to understand. Let that little feeling of
defensiveness trigger, "Oh! I'm going to do this a little differently." So, here's how
it might look. I'm feeling defensive, okay? And I say, "I might have to breathe first.
Okay, Vicki. So, what you're saying is." And then I'm going to repeat back to her as
close as I can my understanding of what she was actually saying. Not my spin on it.
I was going to say "Be really careful not to throw your spin on it." Right. -Right. -But
literally you are saying this to understand more deeply. -Yeah. So, it
wouldn't be helpful for example for me to say, "Oh, so what you're saying is I'm
an idiot?" Okay. Even if that's what she is saying. But she would never say that. For
me to say, "Okay. So, what you're saying is you're feeling upset about the way I
made that purchase without consulting with you first?" See? I'm really trying to
grasp what it was that she was saying and give it back to her in a way
she'll recognize it. Now, this is important. If she recognizes what I'm
giving back to her as being what she actually thought, there's going to be a
shift. Have you noticed this? -Yeah. -A shift in the energy of the
communication. So, instead of being defensive,
"Whoah! I can make decisions about purchases" to "Okay. So, what you're saying
is that..." Okay. And put it back in a way that she'll recognize it. That's the key.
-One of the biggest differences between us is sometimes I just want to say
things and I feel better once I've said it. And I don't want it fixed. And so, I
know this about myself I've learned that. It's really good sometimes to just prep
him for that. Look... -Because I really want to fix it. -Yeah. So, you just say, "Look,
I just really have to just say this and get it out there and I don't need you to
fix anything. I don't need you to change anything. I just want you to hear it."
-Brilliant! Because meanwhile over here, if I'm hearing that she's upset about
something or she's got something on her mind, I want to jump in, I want to fix it.
I'm going to go crack some heads. I don't know. -It kind of reminds me of a
silly thing a roommate and I a long time ago. Before we got married, I used to say,
"How does this outfit look?" And she'd say, "Do you feel like changing or not?" And I'd
say, "Not really." "Then it looks great." Go, ahead and just prep it up for you, you
know? Tell them the kind of answer you're looking for. It's really a great strategy.
-Give them a roadmap, okay? Don't assume that your spouse is going to read your
mind. Because quite honestly, especially as as husbands, we suck at that. We just
are not very good at it and so, we're going to go off with our own agenda. But for
you to approach it that way; and to give me a road map, "Hey, I don't need you
to respond to this. I just need to say it. I just want you to listen." Go to the
effort to give the road map first. You're going to have a whole lot better outcome. A
very common situation that comes up in couple communication is sharing
sometimes difficult feedback. I hate it. I hate it when I've hurt her.
Because I love her I want her to be happy. But I do things on a regular basis
that are kind of dumb. And so, sometimes you'll need to give me
feedback about that. Now, you're so diplomatic and kind and skilled at
communication that you'll do that well. But I might still feel like I need to
apologize or I need to... What if I were just to receive the feedback by saying
something like, "Thank you for sharing that. I needed to hear that." -You know, I
think one of the advantages that this sort of thinking instead of always
apologizing when there's feedback going on is if I want to give some feedback to
improve our communication... And I'm not really upset or anything. There's just
feedback, right? If I am worried that you're going to start apologizing and stuff,
it's going to make it less likely for me to share. I really just want to share, be
heard. And sometimes going to the apology doesn't feel as much like you're hurt.
And so, just be willing to accept feedback for what it is and say
"Thank you for telling me that." And then think about it for awhile, -In fact, you
know what? That's one of the mantras that I like to repeat sometimes. Gratitude not
guilt. -Yeah. So, you can say "Thank you for being patient with me while I figure
this out." Instead of "I'm sorry. I keep getting mad." -Right.
-They're very different they have a different energy to them. And "Thank you
for loving me enough to give me that kind of feedback." And it's a powerful way
to replace some of the guilt and the shame that can creep in otherwise. Hey,
we're open to your experiences too. In fact, in the comments below, if you could
just share some examples of things that have worked for you, we've shared a few
things that are working for us. And we're happy to team up with you too. In fact, if
you'd like to get on a free breakthrough call with one of our coaches, a member of
our team; click on the link down below drPaulJenkins.com/
breakthroughcall and we'll get you on a free call with one of our coaches.