- Ooh, that's nice.
Oh, yeah. Ohh.
Oh, yeah.
- Can you pass me those time sheets over there?
- [strains]
Can't reach.
Nope, can't do it.
- You're a real asset to this company.
- What? Your air conditioning's
the only one that's crotch accessible.
- Hey, Lori, have we got a lost and found?
This is it?
Seems like kids would lose a lot more stuff.
- That's just the overflow. - Yeah,
the rest of it's in... the room.
[dramatic music]
- The room?
[dramatic music]
- 25 years of lost items.
- There must be hundreds of dollars worth
of stuff in here.
We should have a rummage sale,
and then donate the proceeds to my Eagle Scout troupe.
- That's a good idea, Pete.
I'm gonna make you Employee of the Month.
- Awesome! You know,
the guys and I are gonna finally be able
to adopt that piece of highway we've had our eye on.
Oh, it's gonna be so clean.
- That's cute.
Sad, but cute.
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here
'Cause you're a part-timer yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
- Damn it.
Being Employee of the Month for seven years
has been my only accomplishment.
- I'm pretty sure Lori gave it to you for one month
and then forgot about it for seven years.
- That's not the point.
My life has become all about this stupid suit.
You know what?
I vow to never be Pork E. again until I know who Ian is.
I'm a newborn babe.
[shimmering tones]
- Maybe the first thing about the new Ian
is that he wears clothes.
- Man! The new Ian sucks already!
- What is this?
- Charity rummage sale. Pete is running the whole thing.
- You approved this without my knowledge.
This isn't a rummage sale. It's a power play.
- Did you skip your breakfast this morning?
- No, I just read "The 48 Laws of Power."
It's the number-one-selling book in business school and prisons.
- And we both know you haven't been to either.
- You just pulled a real 44,
"disarm your opponent with a mirror effect,"
but I'm onto you, Lori Wakefield,
and this isn't over.
[dramatic music]
- God, I wish you'd stop reading.
- What?
[sexy music]
- [sniffs]
Ugh! [coughs]
- Oh, my God.
- It's over, Mads. There's nothing left to do
but drink away my feelings.
I mean, I have talent, you know?
Am I just gonna be a big fish in a tiny pond?
I mean, it's not even a pond, it's a ball pit.
I'm just a big fish in a tiny ball pit, ugh!
- Ian, you're having a quarter life crisis,
and trust me, it only gets worse from here.
Listen, what you need is clarity.
Write down your goals and then you'll feel better
after you accomplish them.
- My goals? [scoffs]
Dude, that's easy. One, go to space.
Two, challenge Channing Tatum to a dance-off.
Three, get a time machine, go back in time, and relive
me beating Channing Tatum in said dance-off.
- Those are really good.
- Obviously.
- Why don't we think of something
you could accomplish today?
- All right. That's--that's a good point.
Thanks, Mads.
- Don't thank me.
Thank my first, second, and fourth therapists.
- [clears throat] My goals.
[playful music]
Number one, drink.
Two...
don't puke.
Three...
get some.
It could happen.
It's not gonna happen.
[burps]
- [straining]
- Whoa!
That artist totally captured that sub sandwich.
- Shh. I'm hiding this
so Lori won't know that I found it.
She'd be totally embarrassed.
It was probably painted by a former lover.
- Of course it was.
Look at the intimacy of the brushstrokes.
This would make a fine addition to my collection.
- No, this is private.
- Look, this is a rare piece.
It's the Sandwich Artist's art.
[quirky music]
- Ow.
- Yes. I've been looking for this.
- For a nude portrait of Lori holding a sandwich?
- No, for blackmail.
[playful music]
- Happy birthday, Tyler.
Time to think of a wish. Okay, everyone?
[singing] Happy--
- Don't waste your breath, Tyler!
[rock music]
You could blow out candles all day, and you know what?
It still won't make your wishes come true.
In the end, it all comes down to what you've done.
What have you done with your life, Tyler?
Nothing!
- Cut it out, Ian.
Stop vomiting your self-loathing all over everyone.
It's disgusting.
- It's not self-loathing. It's appletini!
- You want to make a change in your life?
Do something. Take a risk for once!
- Yeah, take a risk!
- Shut it, Tyler!
- You guys, I am not gonna let this fall into the hands
of a man who lives with his mom
and a man whose best friend is a porcelain cat.
- Whoa, okay, whoa. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You keep Sausage out of this.
- Do you guys think that you can help with the--
Oh! Oh!
- Pete, I'll give you $20 for this.
- 25, and I'll give you a cruise in my convertible.
- 30, and I'll flash you once a month.
- 40, and I'll flash you twice a month,
and that's post-shave.
- $1 billion!
- You don't have a billion dollars.
- Don't I?
Ahh.
Who should I make this check out to?
Oh, the owner? Oh, that's right, me.
Here you go, Pete. I'll be collecting that later.
- One, two--
- Ian, no!
Just because you're a total loser
does not mean you need to kill yourself.
- Oh, please, if I wanted to kill myself,
I would do it in a way cooler way.
Like, with TNT and a shipping container.
Maybe during the Superbowl halftime show.
That'd be pretty sweet.
- Ew.
So what were you doing?
- You told me to take a risk.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm gonna cut my hair off.
That's--that's pretty bold. I love my hair.
- Are you okay?
- No. I've only accomplished one thing on my list today--
drink.
- You know that appletini mix
doesn't have any alcohol in it, right?
- Oh, great.
I'm not even good at a booze-fueled meltdown.
- I'm sure that you have other items on your list.
- See for yourself.
- "Get some"?
- Okay.
We'll go into Lori's office.
You take your clothes off, I'll take off my clothes.
I'm sure if we imagine different people,
we can make this work. - Ugh.
I'm done trying to help you figure out who you are,
because you've already made that crystal clear.
You want to be a real man?
Do something for someone else for a change.
[quirky music]
- Ahem. Lori,
one day you're gonna want to run this company.
- I'm not gonna want that. - You might.
- I won't. - If you do.
- Nope. - If--I said if you do,
then don't, because I've got...
[whooshing]
[sexy music]
This. [chuckles]
- Are you blackmailing me? - No.
I'm pre-blackmailing you. It's way smarter.
- I see. Well, before you go
showing that to everyone,
you might be interested in who the artist is.
- Dad? - Oh, your dad
is an artiste in many mediums,
be it canvas, sandwich, or mattress.
- Oh, my God.
Wait, does that mean you're my mom?
- Rule number one, stop being stupid.
- Ah, so I see Pork E.'s back.
I guess you found out who you are.
- Yeah, I'm a jerk.
A really smart girl helped me realize that.
Look, I'm sorry, Mads. You were right.
And I would totally sleep with you...
If I was really drunk and super desperate.
- That's actually the nicest thing
I've ever heard you say, so.
- Um, got you this at the rummage sale.
- Oh, my God! My label maker?
Mmm. I've been looking for this everywhere.
- Wait, that was already yours? I spent 50 bucks on that.
- Aw. Give me that list.
- Okay, but I didn't accomplish anything, so don't judge.
- There's hope for you yet, Ian.
These are the first steps to becoming a better person.
- Wait, there's more steps?
[grumbles]
[upbeat music]
- What? I like sandwiches.
[sexy music]
[upbeat music]