-Today is Friday, and that's usually when
I catch up on some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails,
and of course, I send out thank you notes,
and I was running a bit behind.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks for letting me write some notes tonight.
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
[ Gentle music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Is he okay? -Great mood tonight.
-Yeah, wow. -Here we go. [ Clears throat ]
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, hay rides,
for giving kids the chance to experience
how fun it is to be hay.
[ Applause ]
Go on rides all the time. -Come on.
-It's cool, man. -Be-hay-ve.
[ Laughter ]
-Hayyy.
[ Laughter ]
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, answering someone's texts with a thumbs up,
for saying, "this is where the conversation ends."
[ Applause ]
We're good. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
-Thumbs up. -We're good.
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, apple picking,
for somehow costing five times more
than when someone else does it for you.
[ Applause ]
I picked these.
I picked these!
They're 20 times more than I would normally buy at the store.
-At Whole Foods, too. -Yeah, man.
-$300 for an apple?
Pretty steep.
[ Gentle music plays ]
-Thank you, matchsticks,
for being toothpicks that got their nails done.
Oh!
[ Applause ] Good.
-That's a cute one.
[ Audience member laughs ]
[ Gentle music plays ]
-That's a good laugh. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
That's a great laugh, yeah.
-That's beautiful. -It's a good laughing crowd.
I love this crowd.
-It's a good Friday crowd. -What's that?
Don't ruin it. We're having a good thing.
[ Applause ]
-I didn't hear you. What'd you say?
[ Laughter ]
-I said New York City is the best city in the world!
[ Cheers and applause ] That's what I said!
Alright, here we go.
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, chicken nuggets and fish sticks,
for not making it awkward when you
showed up to the party in the same outfit.
It's like, oh!
[ Applause ]
Really?
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, leaf blowers,
for being there whenever I want to
make my problem someone else's problem.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"How you doing, Dave?"
-"6:00 in the morning, Dave."
[ Laughter ]
-"This is gas-powered, too.
I don't know if you can tell."
[ Imitates leaf blower ]
"Took the engine from my son's dirt bike
and put it on the leaf blower."
-"Took off the muffler to give it more torque."
-"I took off the muffler. It just sounds cooler."
-[ Imitates leaf blower ] -[ Imitates leaf blower ]
-"Hey, good morning, Dave. Appreciate ya."
"Might want to step on that paper bag
that's on fire on your front porch."
[ Laughter ]
-"Put some sugar in your gas tank, Dave.
Flat tires."
-"Dave, why don't you come over? I want to give you a wedgie.
Come on, just turn around.
Alright, buddy.
Best neighbor ever."
-"3:00 in the morning, Dave!"
[ Laughter ]
-"It's 3:00 in the morning somewhere, Dave!"
-[ Imitates leaf blower ]
[ Imitates leaf blower revving ]
-For blowing leaves? -Yeah.
-Wow. Wow. -Took his son's dirt bike.
So now his kid doesn't even have a dirt bike.
-"He doesn't even need to ride it, Dave.
He's having enough fun on the internet,
playing robots or whatever.
Check this thing out."
[ Imitates leaf blower revving ]
-"Got a new chainsaw!"
[ Imitates chainsaw revving ]
[ Imitates leaf blower revving ]
[ Imitates chainsaw revving ]
[ Gentle music playing ]
Thank you, electrical outlets,
for being wall nostrils.
[ Applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Gentle music playing ]
Thank you, cinnamon sticks,
for looking like you'd be delivered by a raven
with news from the North.
[ Applause ]
"Mr. Fallon!"
[ Applause ]
-The tea! -Spice the cider!